TITLE: Light Visions
GENRE: Women's Lit
This is the first page of a novel about a psychic psychologist flying into NY to attend a conference. A chance meeting with a crone and romantic turns lead Laura on an adventure of mystery and love.
Please God; get me down safely! I apologize for everything I’ve ever done or even thought of doing that wasn’t cool with you! Laura pleaded silently as she peered out the window of the 747 she was flying into JFK International Airport. The rainstorm thrashed outside making it difficult to imagine arriving in one piece. The murky atmosphere outside the plane seemed im-penetrable; the flashes of lightning intensifying her fear. The inside of the airplane seemed dark, despite the overhead lighting. She pressed her hands to her eyebrows, shutting her eyes, hoping to blot out the first stabs of a headache and the beginnings of memories of other times, other storms.
Laura remembered being five and her first thunder storm. She moaned inwardly. Even though the plane body blocked out the sound of thunder, she knew it was there, right after the flashes of bluish lightening. She could feel the tension in her neck and shoulders. A muffin and coffee she’d eaten earlier reappeared as she felt stomach acid rise up. She swallowed hard, hoping not to have to throw up.
She curled in the seat, huddling toward the aisle; her eyes still closed against the flashes of light she knew surrounded the plane. Please don’t hit us. I have so many things I still want to do. Don’t take me out now, she pleaded silently.
Minor suggestions here.
ReplyDeletePlease God; get me down safely! I apologize for everything I’ve ever done or even thought of doing that wasn’t cool with you! Laura pleaded silently as she peered out the window of the 747 she was flying into JFK International Airport.
(Set off your thoughts in some manner. I think the common way is italics? Then break the paragraph here and start the next sentence as a new paragraph.)
The rainstorm thrashed outside making it difficult to imagine arriving in one piece.
(Needs a comma after outside. Also, you have outside twice in two sentences. Is there a way to rephrase one or the other?)
The inside of the airplane seemed dark, despite the overhead lighting.
(You've been using plane, then switched to airpline. Choose one and use it consistently.)
Please don’t hit us. I have so many things I still want to do. Don’t take me out now, she pleaded silently.
(Again, set off your thoughts in some manner.)
Good luck with this!
im-penetrable = impenetrable
ReplyDeleteAlthough this might be a good start to a novel, I'm not really feeling the revelation here. Is her big revelation that she doesn't want to die because she has things to do? I think most people think that way during a horrible flight. Most people, anyways. Unless, of course, your MC didn't really care about living before this, then that would be a revelation.
I can understand fearing a storm but in a plane a thunderstorm is also about the turbulence -- she doesn't talk about that? From the lead in, I thought that it would be a meeting with the crone?
ReplyDeleteAlso, it may be just an email translation thing, but it should be:
Please, God, get me down safely.
Not sure this would draw me in to ready more ... unfortunately.
I don't see the revelation here, and overall, I thought it went on too long, basically repeating the same thoughts. Nothing happens here.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this isn't the place to start. If something happens once they land, that may be a better place. If being scared on a plane is important, she can always remember the plane ride in a flashback later. Perhaps start with her in a situation with another person so there is someone to react to.
I had a friend who flew through a lightning storm once and he said the booms were deafening. Don't know fi that's true, but you may want to Google?
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe end with 'she swallowed hard' because we already know she doesn't want to barf. No one does!! :D
This was good, I was right there. :)