TITLE: Nitty Gritty
GENRE: YA Novel
Fifteen-year-old Marissa has the power to hear people in need. Unfortunately, that power has some kinks in it until the night of school dance when Marissa clearly hears her ex-best friend crying out for help and discovers she’s not the only one with a link to the helpless.
“Would you like to dance?” Jake asked. He extended his hand toward me like this was all normal.
I shook my head. Nothing about this was even remotely normal. “I need to go home, Jake. Something’s come up with Aunt Celeste,” I lied, looking to escape this whole screwy scene.
“Fine. I’ll take you.” And then he gave me that annoyingly cute smirk of his. “After this dance.” He took my hand and pulled me onto the floor where the couples swayed to the slow song coming through the speakers.
I sighed and let him pull me closer.
“So what did Carrie say?” he asked softly in my ear.
My body jerked away from his, but he kept me firmly in his arms and pulled me in again. I glued my eyes to his.
Then he dipped his head and whispered, “I know, Rissa. Emily does, too. Or at least she knows you heard something from somebody.”
I swallowed, stuck between total shock and absolute confusion. Only Dad had ever called me Rissa. Ever. And here was this guy I’d met less than two months ago using it as if he knew. “What exactly do you know?” I whispered back.
“You’re a radio antenna.”
I jerked back again. Jake Morrone had heard my private thoughts. He had to. I never told anyone what I dubbed myself.
“Don’t worry.” He whispered again in my ear, sending warm shivers down my body. “I’m one, too.”
Just a few minor tweaks to suggest.
ReplyDelete"I lied, looking to escape this whole screwy scene."
Don't tell us she's lying. We would know it (I assume) by the surrounding scene.
Watch out for too many -ly words as they weaken the prose (annoyingly, softly, etc).
“Don’t worry.” He whispered again in my ear, sending warm shivers down my body. “I’m one, too.”
That should be "Don't worry," he whispered...
Intriguing concept!
I like this concept.
ReplyDeleteI would change "My body jerked to I jerked." It gives a bit of an out of body feeling.
And ditto to the previous comment on ly words.
If they are at a school dance, could they hear each other whispering with all the loud music?
I like this!
ReplyDeleteIf you mentioned a slow song (any familiar song) it would put me in the scene more.
Good luck!
Thanks for the helpful comments. I have been busy revising based on them. Janice, thanks for pointing out that it would indeed be LOUD in a school gym during a dance. I missed that!
ReplyDeleteOthers have made helpful comments, so I just want to add that I like this concept, and I love that she refers to herself as a radio antenna. I'm just wondering if simply antenna would do the job.
ReplyDeleteI would totally read this, but I thought about the whispering/ loud gymn, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think radio antenna is good, because plain antenna makes me think of feelers, like an ant.