TITLE: Darkwood
GENRE: YA Historical
“Silas!” I call. “Silas wait for me!”
My feet are moving as fast as I can will them, and I hear my breath coming out in quick puffs. I am not as fast running in a dress as I am in breeches and Silas knows it. But he doesn’t wait for me. He never does. I can see the flash of his copper-colored hair when it catches the last bit of the day’s sun as he hops the wall that surrounds the Manor, using the hay cart near the barn to boost himself up and over. Chickens scatter.
The sun slides behind a cloud, and the darkening day makes our task seem all the more hopeless.
“Silas, wait!” I call again, but my voice trails away. I doubt he can hear me. There is distance and a thick stone wall between us now.
I, too, climb up into the hay wagon, hitching up my heavy woolen skirts and throw one long leg over the wall. I drop down on the other side in a heap, cursing myself for misjudging the distance. The extra fabric of my dress does nothing to break my fall. I brush my hair from my eyes in time to see Silas, still pounding away over the Dells, fade into the distance.
I know now I will never catch him, so I stand and brush out the brown serge fabric, checking it for tears.
Great descriptions and the voice seems very appropriate for historical.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Try hard to avoid filters, examples of phrases such as "I looked up and saw ..." or "my hands reached out and grabbed." Especially with a first-person account such as this.
ReplyDeleteIf you look out for filters then you change phrases from, "I hear my breath coming out in quick puffs," to something more like, "My breath erupts in quick puffs."
Also, there must be a better and smoother way to write this sentence: "I am not as fast running in a dress as I am in breeches and Silas knows it."
Also, is Silas a boy or a horse or a dog or something else? It's not obvious to me.
I'm a little lost at the end. When she checks her dress, was she crying or worried about cuts in the fabric. And the sentence doesn't make me want to read more. It stops me and I'm thinking why Silas left her on her own.
ReplyDeleteVoice is great though.
I love that it starts with action and even more so that it is through dialogue that the action is revealed. Great job. I especially appreciated the sentence about the dress because it tells me the narrator is a girl and I like to know the gender of the MC ASAP (a common criticism I have with many samples is that I don't know that). So, I liked that you did that right up front. I had no problem figuring out Silas was a boy. The word choice - Silas, breeches, hay wagon etc all serve to situate me in a historical time and place so that is well-accomplished. One criticism - the sentence "...makes our task seem all the more hopeless." What task? If you are going to mention a task then you best explain it right away what that task is. And also who is the "our?" Silas and the MC or someone else? That's it though. I liked the beginning, found the writing to be sophisticated and I would read on. One nitpick - I don't randomly go into a bookstore and open a book and start reading page 1. I first am attracted to the title, then I pick up the book and read the back cover and then, maybe, I will read the first paragraph. In other words, we already know the basic story and genre from the back cover. If we like it, we invest time in the story and read. I think we forget that thte first 250 words are important but let's not forget we read because we like the overall story which we already have a clue to due to the logline or back cover synopsis - just a point. So, if the whole story isn't in those first 250 words - let's cut the writers a break shall we?
ReplyDeleteThe characters and the relationship between them intrigue me.
ReplyDeleteI think your 4th sentence should be 2 sentences.
The 'Chickens scatter' adds atmosphere but I think you need to say a little more about them as they seemed to come out of the blue.
I'd take the 'too' out of the 1st sentence in the next to last paragraph.
I like this so far - there are snippets of the setting to let me know it's historical besides seeing the genre.
ReplyDeleteFor an action pace, I would break up this sentence: "I can see the flash of his copper-colored hair when it catches the last bit of the day’s sun. He hops the wall surrounding the Manor, using the hay cart near the barn to boost over."
Sometimes the extra little words can be cut when you use a strong word like boost, you already get the idea and the reader can fill in.
Great work so far!
You do a great job setting it in the past. Without you telling us directly, I still would be able to guess at the time period.
ReplyDeleteI knew that she was a girl and Silas was a boy from the beginning - no confusion for me.
I'm not sure I'm hooked enough to turn the page, though... I'm not feeling the urgency to go on. Maybe more of how she feels to be left behind? Or a little bit of stakes starting to build up? I don't know.
Okay, from what I can tell from the MS I'm not too fond of Silas, and I'm wondering why she seems to care for him even though he doesn't seem to treat her very well. I do love that last line, though. The tears description was very unexpected, but it fits the narrative so well!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by this girl. She seems strong and eager to keep up with the boys.
ReplyDeleteTry to eliminate so many "I see" and "I hear" kinds of phrases. Watch for -ing verbs, too.
For example, the second paragraph could read:
My feet move as fast as possible. My breath comes in quick puffs. Silas knows I can't run fast in a dress, but he doesn't wait. He never has. His copper-colored hair flashes in the last bits of the day's sun as he hops the wall surrounding the Manor, using the hay cart near the barn to boost himself up and over.
Good setting - and you started at a good point. It draws the reader in, I do want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI was initially put of by the 'I call' in the middle of the first line. It was like a speed hump when all the reader wants to do is get going.
Nice piece.
I agree with the comments from A J above concerning "I see" and "I hear" phases.
ReplyDeleteAnother place where this can be tightened is with your use of up and down. In most cases the word can be dropped because it's obvious. As in 'he stood', instead of 'he stood up' the up isn't needed.
Here are the cases in your 250 "using the hay cart near the barn to boost himself up and over." You can cut "up and".
"I, too, climb up into the hay wagon, hitching up my heavy woolen skirts and throw one long leg over the wall. I drop down on the other side in a heap," the first up can be cut while the second one is fine. "I drop down on the" can be "I drop to the" instead.
Besides this nitpicks I would turn the page.
Thanks for sharing.
This has an nice, natural rhythm to it, and, well...I've always thought that Silas was an uncommonly cool name, but for some reason, the second of these two sentences ("But he doesn't wait for me. He never does.") was really deflating...it made me feel like I was a reading a scene that happens over and over again, and that I shouldn't exercise any hope that she's going to catch up with him, so I just kinda surrendered to her failing to catch up with him long before it was confirmed that that's what happened. I'd lose that second line and make it seem like she's got more of a chance, then maybe something more surprising gets in her way...
ReplyDelete