TITLE: Gallop
GENRE: YA horror
My main characters discover the detective they've suspected of being the murderer (or in league with the murderer) is not.
“Noah is the one who gave it away that you know something. You forget this is what I do for a living. I know when people are lying or holding something back . . . or when they’re fishing for information. So whatever this is, I get you think I’m somehow involved.”
“You’re not?” Noah asked. “How can we trust you?”
“I guess you can’t.” He held his hand out to Noah, what I assumed was his business card between his fingers. Noah took it and jostled his backpack to put it in the pouch. The medallion fell out, and he grabbed it before it hit the porch.
Tompkins nodded. “Well, call me when you’re ready to talk. But I’ll be watching you, make sure you stay out of trouble. You’re both involved somehow.”
I moved closer to Noah, more out of the need to assure myself he was still there than anything else. Tompkins turned and walked toward his car —— he’d parked halfway down the lane for some weird reason.
The second he came within ten feet of his car, the sound of hooves tattooed on the gravel, and the waves seemed to crash against the shore with more force. The wind whipped my hair into my face, but there was no missing the giant black horse that materialized out of the night and raced toward Tompkins. A dark shadow spurred the horse on, and I wasn’t sure who screamed louder: me, the horse, or the thing that rode it.
Noah swore and pulled me along with him. We got fifteen yards past the portico when I finally planted my feet and refused to take another step. My screeching blocked my own ears, and Tompkins drew his gun.
“No!” Noah yelled. “Run!”
Here's what I got from this section--Thompkins is a cop, the kids think he's somehow involved with the case, there's a mysterious rider who comes to perhaps kill Thompkins on his way out.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph feels clunky. I had to read it multiple times to get the meaning (and guess the speaker).
“Noah is the one who gave it away that you know something. You forget this is what I do for a living. I know when people are lying or holding something back . . . or when they’re fishing for information. So whatever this is, I get you think I’m somehow involved.”
Perhaps strike the first sentence and just start with "You forget..." The last sentence also confuses me because it bounces back and forth from speaker to what the other person thinks to speaker.
This paragraph seems to be missing a "with" in the sentence.
He held his hand out to Noah, [WITH] what I assumed was his business card between his fingers.
I'm also lost on who "he" is in this sentence:
The medallion fell out, and he grabbed it before it hit the porch.
(Noah? The person who gave him the business card--Thompkins?)
With a bit of tightening I think your main thrust of this section could become clearer. Good luck!
It took a second read to figure out how many people were in the scene, but I think I figured it out: narrator, Noah, and Tomkins (and eventually big, black horse with rider). The horse was definitely a surprise, and I'm intrigued. I want to know what it is, whether Noah and/or the narrator know something about it.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue seemed unrealistic. It might have been just because I don't have as much context in terms of scene, but the first paragraph seemed wordy, as does Tompkins' "call me when you want to talk" paragraph. At the end, I don't know if Noah's advising Tompkins not to shoot (and I assume he's aiming the gun at the beastie) or yelling at the narrator for planting her (his?) feet.
Overall, despite the confusion, I liked it.
To be honest, I have no clue what is happening here, which is probably fine for the horror genre; the moment is exciting and interesting, and I wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteI think your use of sound, not just sight to describe the scene is very effective.
A few thoughts:
ReplyDelete"Noah is the one who..." sounds awkward. I would streamline to "Noah gave away you knew something" if you want that sentence to be in there. Like Kimberly, though, I think it could be cut.
I was a little confused through this section as to who is actually involved and what's going on -- especially the first line. I assume it's Tompkins speaking.
There are a few other places where some streamlining would clarify things. For example: "Noah swore and pulled me along with him" is too passive for the action. "Noah swore, pulling me away," would keep the tempo moving.
In general, since the end has so much action, more active verbs would keep the tension up: "clattering" or "beat a tattoo" instead of "tattooed", using "spurring" and "screaming."
Cool premise! Who doesn't love a giant black ghost horse and horrible rider?
I also found the beginning a little confusing, but I think that's not unusual given the dropping of the needle :) The dialogue borders on cliche; I bet you could find a newer way of saying things like "I'll be watching you." I really liked your descriptions and pacing near the end - so important in YA and horror. Love the desription "the thing that rode it." Your wording there is spot on for me - I could totally picture what was going on. Would definitely read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm just not very excited when I read this. I don't feel like I would continue reading-- this feels kinda flat for an action scene.
ReplyDeleteAs other posters have mentioned, the action is also a little confusing with the ambiguous pronouns. The paragraphs feel heavy-- not what you want your flighty, omg-action! sequence to feel like. Especially since this is a first person perspective, I feel like we should be hearing a lot more from your narrator in shorter, more concise sentences that reflect the uncertainty of the mood.
It's a good start, but I think I'd need a little more excitement in order to entice me to read further. :) Good luck!
You have intrigued me but I pretty much agree with the other commenters. The first paragraph is clunky and I had to re-read it several times. Find the single action/ feeling you're trying to convey and give it tension. Right now it could be two/three people standing on the corner talking about the weather. Is the speaker supposed to be menacing, beligerent, or a smart alec know it all who is taunting the couple? Make his words show this. Once you do that, comb the rest of the scene into place with the newly re-written first paragraph. Then you'll have me by the collars.
ReplyDelete