TITLE: My Name is Fernanda; My Name is Yakimali
GENRE: YA Historical
Fernanda pressed her heels into the horse’s sides. “Faster, pretty one, faster. We want to feel the wind in our hair, no?”
The horse flicked its ears then galloped across the plain toward the river. Fernanda leaned closer to the horse’s neck, her long braid slipping over her shoulder. The animal’s smell of grassy manure and sweat filled her with the thrill of riding. It had been too long.
Her body rocked forward and back with the rhythm of the pounding hooves. Water streaked from her eyes as she raced across the desert, dodging barrel cactuses and mesquite bushes. Her rebozo loosened and slipped to her shoulders; then the shawl untied completely and was gone. Fernanda glanced over her shoulder and saw it flutter to the ground. A laugh burst from her chest, and watching a hawk glide, dive and then fly high into the sky, she thought, I feel as free as that bird!
The power of the horse flowed through her, charging her with the desire for adventure, her heart soaring beyond Tubac to worlds far away, worlds full of golden riches, handsome men and green hills that rolled on forever. Worlds where she would ride, explore, and each day discover something new.
Before realizing how far she’d gone, she saw her family’s adobe hut. She stopped the horse, and her soaring heart dropped like the hawk diving to the ground. There, in front of the hut with her hands on her hips, stood her mother.
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ReplyDeleteI love this. The contrast between the freedom she feels and then the dead stop when Mom appears. The writing is strong. I'm not sure you need the thought 'I feel as free as that bird' Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a thrilling ride! Love it! I agree with Squash about the contrast at the end. It feels authentically YA - that instant mood change teenagers are so adept at, the ability to feel great joy and freedom while riding her horse, the desire to travel far from home. Only suggestion - the golden riches and handsome men sentence seems a tad overdone. What is it, more specifically, she wants? To escape the bonds of her mother? To get away from that little adobe hut in the desert? Great job!
ReplyDeleteI do like the description of riding--the wonderful rush of riding a horse fast. I feel, though, that there should be a little something more--a sense that the rider is seeking or escaping something. Also, a couple of nitpicky things: I've never thought of a horse as smelling like "grassy manure" although a barn might) and that doesn't sound too pleasant. I was a little confused near the end because I assumed she was riding away from her house, not toward it. I think the contrast in feelings when she sees her house and her mother is excellent.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of something Pat Conroy wrote in one of his first books (either Lords of Discipline or the memoir "Boo" upon which the former book was based). He said that the smell of a lockerroom was only unpleasant to someone who had never played sports as part of a team. I thought of that when you mentioned that the "smell of grassy manure and sweat filled her with the thrill of riding." I got that, I remember that smell and I understand it. It was a very evocative passage. The opening is rather lyrical and beautifully written. It is made more so for the sudden stop and change in mood at the end of the excerpt. The character doesn't only experience it - the reader does as well. So, excellent writing in my opinion. I agree with the suggestion to remove the "free as that bird" line. You have already showed us that so you don't need to tell us. It is stronger without it. A great beginning and I would go on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments - the writing is beautiful, and you don't need the bird line. Also, I love the connection you make later between the hawk and her heart dropping. Very vivid. I'm not sure exactly what the conflict will be here, and would have liked a small hint, but I see it's historical, and for some reason I tend to give those a bit more time to develop when I'm reading, so I would definitely read on. I did wonder about the significance of the title, two names both in first person. Makes me wonder who Yakimali will be.
ReplyDeleteNice writing, very fluid. I felt as if I were riding along- and I'm afraid of horses! Perhaps removing the "free as that bird" line, as the others suggest. Good action descriptions. The last line had me hooked:)
ReplyDeleteThis evocative, wonderfully written opening sucked me in immediately. You really brought the scene to life with sensory details -- the pounding hooves, water streaking from her eyes, the horse's smell, etc. I also get a good idea for what type of person she is and what she values (freedom, adventure). The sudden halt and her sinking heart were more than enough to get me wondering about the relationship she has with her mother. It seems like we're right on the cusp of finding out more about the tension between the two of them.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to get swept away in Fernanda's enthusiasm here...her opening lines ("Faster, pretty one, faster...") combined with the thought about feeling as free as the hawk make her happiness seem a little bit cheesy perhaps (like a commercial for an allergy medicine...look at Fernanda ride through the plains, without sneezing!), but it still reads really smoothly and with a nice crescendo. I agree with some of the others that it would be nice to have a sense of where she just came from, some inconclusive hint about her destination (or lack thereof) just to make the upset of the final paragraph click into place better, but I'd still read on...
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