Title: Night Island
Genre: YA Fantasy
On the fourth and final day of night, the Dark Market rolled into Isle St. Giles just as I’d anticipated. It was a knack of mine, guessing when it would slither in each week after the sun set for its long rest. The girls had stopped betting with me ages ago when they realized it. Daiyu swore I cheated, except instinct wasn’t cheating. I couldn’t say for sure what it was, but only a fool would question small luck when it came—especially in these parts of the Saints Circle.
Somehow, I’d known those black-robed vendors would set up shop today, bringing in luxuries no one here regularly saw. Just as no one knew from where the vendors came. Or why.
I hardly cared, as long as they brought the potions that helped earn my keep. For a working girl, that’s all that matters.
“Lead the way, prophetic thief,” Daiyu scoffed, fixing the slim pearly sticks holding her curtain of black hair. It shined like a night sky under the gleam of the lanterns dangling along the tent. “Or do you prefer casual street urchin?”
“You don’t have to come with me, you know,” I bristled as a group of children ran by with stupid sparklers down the stalls.
“Of course we do,” Greer chirped at my other side. “Abbess doesn’t like you slinking off into the Market alone, especially when you’re ill.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re cagey as a cat, Sela.”
Always a mother hen, just like the Abbess.
This is wonderfully paced and very smooth. It gives me everything I look for in an opening.
ReplyDeleteI only have one little nitpick: the use of "scoffed" and "chirped" instead of "said" makes me a little nervous. I think you can get away with "chirped" but "scoffed" is unnecessary because the dialogue already conveys Daiyu's attitude.
Wonderful work, good luck!
I liked the opening parg. It drew me in.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue didn't do a lot for me. I agree with using 'said' instead of scoffed and chirped. The curtain of black hair is cliché, and the description of it shining under the lamps didn't seem quite right. "Down the stalls' doesn't seem to fit into its sentence. And overall, the dialogue is just talk. It doesn't seem to feed the story. The mood created in that first parg disappears.
Perhaps try to give the dialogue that same sense of mystery as the opening parg. Probably not the dialogue itself, but what that dialogue conveys.
I like the mystery of the Dark Market, it made me want to read more. The varied dialogue tags didn't bother me too much, but you should stick to 'said' as much as possible - it's an industry standard. Dialogue tags are meant to fade into the background. For me, the biggest thing that made it hard for me to follow was the introduction of so many characters on the first page, I couldn't keep track.
ReplyDeleteI really like this! You've intrigued me with the character and her world. The dialogue was a bit flat, but it wouldn't hinder me from requesting if I were an agent.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, this was great :)
The first couple of paragraphs can definitely be tightened up since you’re repeating the instinct thing so many times throughout. I love the opening line of the fourth day of night and gives me a great sense of the world you’ve created. Economy of words, especially in fantasy, is key here.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue falls a bit flat for me and while I don’t mind using dialogue tags other than ‘said’ — they should be used judiciously as opposed to every single time. Readers accept ‘said’ and after a while it becomes an invisible word that doesn’t pull you out of the scene. Using so many different tags to convey how something is being said does pull a reader out. You can convey the manner of speech through the dialogue itself! Right now the opening feels a bit backstory-y, but there are a few nuggets (the potions comment and the Dark Market itself) that would keep me reading a few more pages, at least.