Title: Tournament of Kings
Genre: YA Fantasy
Kaari pressed a hand to her neck, checking her status mark remained hidden by her up-turned collar.
Before her, the solider waved through another merchant and the line shuffled forward. The sun’s heat prickled her skin and beads of sweat rolled down the soldier’s forehead. He wiped his sleeve across his face with a groan. Good—hot and bothered men made poor guards.
Two round towers stood either side of the pointed archway leading into Bria. Each more than twenty feet high, they towered overhead. A painted statue of King Elric sat in the niche above the entrance, his face turned towards Jakin.
At the very top of the entrance was a row of blackened heads, their eyes plucked out by the birds. Kaari’s gaze swept their faces, the breath catching in her throat. She sought familiarity but their identities had rotten away with their flesh.
“Anything to declare?”
Kaari blinked.
The soldier glared at her. “Anything to declare?”
Focus. She couldn’t afford to draw attention to herself. Dropping her gaze to the ground, she shook her head.
“What’s your business in Bria?”
“I’m only here for the day. I’m going to market.” She flashed the small coin pouch she’d pocket picked that morning to verify her lie. A soft wind pulled at the loose baby hairs along her forehead and she let out a shaky breath. She’d left her re-curve bow and arrows hidden in the hollow of a tree and the small knife strapped to her right calf offered no real comfort.
I don't have very much to say here. I love it. I'm not sure what Janik is but otherwise I think the opening is very strong. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteAn interesting opening, but it could be stronger. Give us the gate before you give us the soldier, so we know where we are, and the rotting heads will create a tone and mood. Do a bit more with the heat. It can't just be there. Show us how it affects your MC. Use it to contribute to the mood the rotting heads has already created.
ReplyDeleteThen get into the line and the soldier. Don't tell us where her status mark is. Have her raise her collar to hide it. Give us a context clue as to who or what Jakin is.
Tighten up the writing. Most of your sentences are already active, so no problem there, but cut things like her gaze sweeping the heads. It's her POV and the fact the she mentions the heads, tells us she sees them. The towers are towering, so you could find another word to use there. Things like that.
I'd read more.
I'm really curious about the status mark. There's a few lines here and there you could tighten up. The only thing that caught my attention was the 'hot and bothered' line, feels contemporary, or more like a slang we use. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fascinating world and you drew me into the story. It was easy to connect with her and her situation. I was curious about the status mark too and I also thought the 'hot and bothered' line jarred a bit.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued and would keep reading.
Seems solid to me. There are a few small words missing here and there (tiny tweaks), and I would have liked one or two more words about the mark in the first sentence to ground it a little better. Also, a bit more emotion to get a better handle on what she's feeling might help. But I think it's good as it is too.
ReplyDeleteWonderful mix of world building in here and showing us the world through Kaari’s eyes as she waits in line without getting too bogged down with details and being overwhelming. I feel like you’re missing a few words here and there that may have been missed due to familiarity with the prose. I stumbled over “Sought familiarity” until I realized she was attempting to recognize the dead bodies. When she’s talking to the guard, is she trying to pass as a man (hence the shaking of her head first) or is it simply her nerves? Also there’s no hyphen in recurve bow. I do like the start of this though, well done!
ReplyDelete