Title: The Traveler's Truth
Genre: YA Science Fiction/Romance
Instead of attending the three-hundredth anniversary celebration of the Cleansing, Cam and I are here, sitting amongst the tall grass high above Yarrow Valley. The wild horses should be here soon; they come to the valley on the eve of the first full moon every month.
Cam sighs and looks at his watch. “Can we go yet?” he whispers. Sitting here for hours didn’t bother me, but it seems too much for my impatient best friend.
“Just a few more minutes,” I plead. “They should be here any time.”
Fortunately, we don’t have to wait long. A deep reddish-brown horse with a black mane and tail appears, stepping from the shadows of the forest out into the open. The horse pauses, his head held high. Then he gives a loud snort. I press the binoculars to my face, watching as his ears flick back and forth. I’m afraid to even breathe. He must decide the valley is safe because he steps forward. A chocolate-brown horse follows, and then another, which looks like a white canvas splashed with black ink.
The trio ambles into the valley, pausing only to grab mouthfuls of the yellow-green prairie grass. Their tails swish slowly back and forth, likely swatting at flying insects. The sinking sun glistens on their backs, giving them an ethereal quality. I let out a contented sigh.
Cam nudges me in the side and I hand him the binoculars. He’s never seen the horses before.
This sounds so great!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so great!
ReplyDeleteThe description of the horses was just enough. Any more and I would have skimmed. I also like the last line though you might try a stronger line to pull in the reader better. We can assume he's never seen the horses before by his impatience. Maybe give us something else from him or in addition to that line. Good writing!
ReplyDeleteThe description of the horses was just enough. Any more and I would have skimmed. I also like the last line though you might try a stronger line to pull in the reader better. We can assume he's never seen the horses before by his impatience. Maybe give us something else from him or in addition to that line. Good writing!
ReplyDeleteI love your description of the horses. I would like to know a little more about what the Cleansing is but I assume you get to that later ;)
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the sentence - . Sitting here for hours didn’t bother me, but it seems too much for my impatient best friend. - I feel like doesn't would work better as everything else is present tense :)
This was nice. It was interesting and read well. My only suggestions would be to cut the sentences where your MC is talking to me. Your characters should only talk to other characters, not the reader. For instance, the MC is telling me that the horses come on the eve of the full moon. Perhaps let her tell that to Cam.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, we don't have to wait long, could be cut, since that is evident as soon as the horses show themselves. Cut anything that is an explanation to the reader, and if it's important, work it in through action and dialogue.
The biggest thing I can say in this is “show don’t tell”. You’re telling us that the wild horses should be here soon, and follow that with a repetition that they don’t have to wait long. Because I don’t know why the horses are so important, the heavy descriptions (though I do love the white canvas splashed with black ink line!) of them all is a bit lost on me. I’d also love to have more of an age marker for Cam — is he a toddler, pre-teen, etc. If the horses come out the eve of the first full moon of every month, how has Cam never seen the horses especially if he IS older? Further, in your world building, do we get multiple full moons in one month? (in real life it’s more of a rarity than, here, it seems like multiples always happen).
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know more about the cleansing but was drawn in by the description of the horses. If it is sci fi - watches, binoculars - are they pat of this new world?
ReplyDelete