Title: Olivia Boogieman
Genre: MG Fantasy
My stomach turns somersaults as the cursive letters on the white board taunt me. As I read the words “Family Day,” my lips move. My family tends to be scatterbrained at times so I hope they forgot about today even though I saw it at home this morning on our calendar, written clearly in red ink, circled, underlined, and in hieroglyphics.
A woman pulls a chair next to me. She has short brown hair that matches her eyes. “Hello, I’m Tessa’s mother. Who are you?” She pushes her chair so uncomfortably close I smell the coffee on her breath. Her tongue is stained white from the cream.
Scooting back in my chair, I give myself room. “I’m Olivia Boogieman,”
Her eyes widen and she looks at her daughter with a question in her eyes. Tessa nods and looks away from me. Of course, Tattletale Tessa Thompson told her about me; she can’t keep her big mouth shut.
“What a peculiar surname you have.” Mrs. Thompson lifts her nose in the air as if she’s sniffing out my pedigree. If she wants to see peculiar, she should meet my family.
She leans in closer with each word she speaks. “I’m a social worker. What do your parents do?”
“Um,” I stammer. What do I say? Mom is a stay-at-home mummy and Dad works nights?
“Why don’t we get started?” Miss Santiago says as she leans against her desk. The words “Family Day,” appear to dance behind her on the whiteboard.
I love what you've set up by "stay at home mummy" and "in hieroglyphics." My one thing that sort of took me out of the story by the woman saying she was a social worker. That seems a bit of an inappropriate implication to make at a family day, simply because Olivia's family isn't there. If it is appropriate for Olivia, I think you need to expand upon that a little more.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. It was interesting and different. You give the reader some nice clues with mummy and hieroglyphics, and we know Olivia is embarrassed by her family because she doesn't want them to show up.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be about voice. To me, Olivia feels about the same age as Tessa's mom. The writing feels like it was written by an adult writer. Perhaps give it more the feel of a twelve year old girl (or however old she is.)
Other than that, I thought it worked.
This made me laugh. I loved the reference to hieroglyphics which hints very early at the unusual background of the family. I also loved that a girl named Olivia Boogieman makes a snide remark about Tattletale Tessa. That is such a normal thing for a kid to do and tinged with irony. I liked that Olivia realizes her family is different and is embarrassed by them. Again, very kid like. The last reference about her mummy and her dad working nights (vampire?) made me chuckle.
ReplyDeleteMy one suggestion is to look at Tessa's mom saying she's a social worker. Somehow that seems out of place and an odd thing for an adult to say to a
kid upon meeting her for the first time. I'm guessing this fact is important to the story, but consider finding a way to slip it in later on.
Lots of good voice here. The story sounds interesting. I think you could tighten up some of the wording to make it flow more and sound younger.
ReplyDelete... 'even though I saw it at home this morning on our calendar' can be cut to 'even though it was on our calendar'
and 'she pushes her chair so uncomfortably close' can be cut to 'she is so uncomfortably close'
It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly why, but your entry stuck out to me. Unique voice, unique story--it's just different, and I liked that. I wasn't quite sure who Miss Santiago is (the teacher, I'm guessing), and I agree that introducing herself to a kid as a social worker seems odd for Mrs. Thompson to do. But I loved the "sniffing out my pedigree" line. Your descriptions are lovely. I'd like to read more!
ReplyDeleteAt first, the hieroglyphics line threw me as well as the ‘mummy’ as I didn’t jump to a MUMMY as in horror but rather the British Mum/Mummy thing. (I think I’ve watched too much Doctor Who over the years. “Are you my Mummy?”) Now that I’ve re-read, I adore these little little touches.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern is the voice feels a little old to me. Parts of it feel a bit more YA-ish than MG so just something to be aware of as you go through things. Otherwise, very cute start and something I’d read more of!
I like how you left enough to the imagination to pull the reader in. I like Olivia's voice. A couple of times it pulls out a bit and sounds adult-ish (maybe that's part of her character?) but you want to make sure it's consistent.
ReplyDeleteI'd say that coffe breath is a bit cliche. Maybe you could think of another smell?
I also think a couple of words or phrases could be cut out: "uncomfortably" (since this is telling us what you're already showing by her smelling her breath and scooting back in her chair to give herself room). Also, "sniffing out my pedigree" only works if she's some kind of canine or animal. Otherwise it doesn't fit themeatically or voice-wise. It sounds too adult for her...like an adult narrator is stepping in.
I'm wondering if the "I'm a social worker line..." is absolutely needed? I mean, does she have to be a social worker? Is that important to the story? If not, cut it. Maybe she can just ask, "So are your parents here? What do they do? The social worker line comes across as threatening. If that's what you are intending, though, I think you're on the right track...maybe just needs to be refined.
The dancing words remind me of Percy Jackson. Is this the same issue with Olivia? Also, I totally stumbled over the 'mummy.' I didn't get it until I read the comments. I thought maybe you were British. lol! Probably my bad but make sure your other readers get it beacause it is funny.
Good luck! I'd want to read more!!