Title: Marks
Genre: YA Fantasy
The acrid smell of smoke and charred wood assaults my nose before I see the fire.
I turn left, my heels clipping against the worn cobblestones as hatred flames to life inside me. Normally the square swirls with smells of roasting meat and the raw, earthy scent of the tannery. Not today. Nothing fills the air but smoke and ash and destruction.
The square opens before me and sure enough, bright orange flames dance on the other side. No telling what the Royal Guards have set aflame this time. Tugging my cloak tighter around me, I ease into the crowd. People cling together in front of the burning structure, mumbling out of earshot of the guards. Not that it matters. The king has a way of hearing things that haven’t even been spoken.
The smoke pools in the air, the thick November clouds blocking its ascent. Those closest to the flames cough and duck their noses behind sleeves and cloaks. I hang back from the crowd and study the burning building in front of me. A printing shop. Of course. That’s the third one this month. I creep close to the perimeter, the heat from the flames prickling my skin. Twelve of the king’s guards surround the building, making sure no one intervenes as the flames devour yet another business. Another dream.
I eye the guard closest to me. His hair, slick with grease, glistens in the afternoon light. My blood simmers, my fingers itching for a pen.
This sounds great. I love the first sentence- it's really perfect. It's very absorbing with all of the senses, but I would like just a hint of who is speaking, whether it's a man or woman. That's probably just me though. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a strong opening. My one comment is this sentence: I turn left, my heels clipping against the worn cobblestones as hatred flames to life inside me. Should you use flames as a verb here? You use it later in the second paragraph. And with the fire going on, maybe you could use water imagery to contrast the MC from the scene around him/her.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a strong opening. My one comment is this sentence: I turn left, my heels clipping against the worn cobblestones as hatred flames to life inside me. Should you use flames as a verb here? You use it later in the second paragraph. And with the fire going on, maybe you could use water imagery to contrast the MC from the scene around him/her.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening! I like how you used the senses and imagery to ground the reader. And the last line sealed it for me. I want to turn the page.
ReplyDeleteI concur. Nicely done opening. I think if you personalize it more towards the MC it would strengthen it. Like why does this sight make them angry, yes the guards are burning things, but how does it personally affect the MC. Does that shop belong to their family, a friend. Have the guards wronged them in some way in the past? Just something to connect the reader on a deeper level.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really get any emotion from the MC until the end, where her blood simmers. Until then, she seems distant and removed, like we're seeing this building burn from a perspective that doesn't care. Maybe add some anger into earlier passages. Besides that, I would continue reading, despite not knowing much about the character.
ReplyDeleteWriting and voice-wise, this is a very strong opening. I’m particularly curious as to why she wants to reach for a pen instead of a sword when she looks at the closest guard. (I’m guessing the pen is mightier than the sword?) Also, for the record, in reference to the ‘heels clipping against the worn cobblestones’, I’m guessing your POV character is female but I have no markers for gender. If you could add something in to firmly cement the gender, that would be great.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, and it pains me to say this, but for as strong as the writing and voice is… I don’t see anything unique about this. I’m sure I have a dozen manuscripts in my inbox right now with openings that use the phrase ‘acrid smell of smoke’. You have the writing chops from this opening, make sure your words stand out and don’t feel like the opening of every other YA fantasy that starts out with a building burn and the MC watching it. Good luck!
Perhaps consider a rewrite that brings us closer to what’s happening. For instance, in the first parg you give us the smells of smoke and charred wood that ‘assault his nose.’ What does that mean? Perhaps instead let the smoke sting his eyes, blur his vision. Maybe the smells burn his throat or make it hard to breathe. You’re giving us generic. Instead, give us specifics.
ReplyDelete‘I turn left.’ What does that tell us? Absolutely nothing because we don’t know where he is or where he’s going, or what’s to the left. Why is he turning left? What is to the left? If it’s the fire, then just say he ran or walked or skipped to the fire. If it’s not the fire, tell us where he’s actually going.
In that same parg. he’s telling us the square is filled with smoke, ash and destruction. But he’s not there yet, so how does he know? Wait until he actually arrives, then show us what he sees. Don’t tell us a printing shop is burning. Show us flames, burning paper fluttering in the breeze. Give us the smell of ink and hot metal presses. Maybe ash is falling like snow. Maybe the printer was still in the shop and finally manages to burst free, a burning blanket wrapped around him.
Save the generic stuff for things like transitions, and give us specifics for the things that matter and this will come to life.
And just FYI: I’ve had to research tanneries and, by all accounts, the smell is supposed to be horrendous.