Title: THE BLUE CURSE
Genre: MG Contemporary Fantasy
The noise pulsed in my ears like an annoying car alarm. Security guards flooded the main hall below and raced past Sue, the famous Tyrannosaurus rex. I unbuttoned my coat, wiped the river of sweat from my forehead, and headed for the stairs. A janitor dressed like Indiana Jones blocked my path.
What’s going on?” I asked. “I thought my best friend pulled the fire alarm. Did someone steal something?”
“Le bleu de France,” he said.
“The blue of France.” I interpreted the simple words, the only time my foreign language class had ever come in handy. “A flag was stolen? Wait, I bet it was one of those expensive Easter eggs.” I swayed, but steadied myself. “Is it hot in here?”
His form flickered, syncing to the rhythm of my heartbeat. Whoa. Was this guy a ghost? A mob of students shoved me into the mystery man. I shot straight through him, the stairs rushing to meet my nose. He grabbed my hand, saved my face, and sealed my fate. The current snagged my fingertips, snaking up my wrist and forearm. I pried out of the deadlock and severed the connection. The crowd converged and swept him away, his image dissolving in a glimmer of refracted light.
“Wait, come back!”
An intense burning seared my upper thigh. I yanked open my jacket pocket. The deep-blue gem radiated like liquid sapphire. I understood what had been stolen—The Hope Diamond—and I was the thief.
I think you've got a fun idea here. The energy leaps right off the page.
ReplyDeleteBut the pacing needs work. Before I get really grounded in the story I am hit with this blitz of red herrings and assumptions that really befuddle me.
Slow down a little, and let your mystery breathe. Why are we in the museum? Why did the protagonist think their bf pulled the fire alarm? Get those things established before moving on to the janitor situation.
All that being said, I do think it is far better to have a lively opening that might need a little slowing than a dull, quiet one. You show a lot of promise here. Good luck!
I agree with the previous comments. The writing was good, but the action was confusing and difficult to follow. The mention of "Sue, the famous Tyrannosaurus rex" made me think the setting might be the Smithsonian, so "Le bleu de France" made me think of the Hope Diamond, so the concept here is intriguing. I'd like to read a fun fantasy adventure with these elements, but the pacing needs work. Slow it down a bit to give clarity and you'll have a winner.
ReplyDeleteFirst I'm going to agree with the others, just adding a few more details would help ground the story but also, this is only the first 250 words, therefore if things get clearer within the next 250, you could be fine.
ReplyDeleteHonestly the thing that struck me right off the bat was your genre. MG Contemprary Fantasy. The Contemprary fantasy part could be okay, though it gave me a slight pause. But the voice in this opening part does not scream MG, rather YA. It could just be me but I think it's mostly how mature it sounds. How old is this character? MG is usually 14(at the oldest) and younger. One thing that stuck out was the mention of the foreign langue class which most would assume is a high school thing. Now say your characters a genius and in high already that's great just make sure to show that this is MG not YA cause it's a big difference.
First, I love the action and would definitely keep reading. I have some questions: did he JUST discover he was the thief when he saw the diamond, or did he suspect earlier? If he didn't know earlier, why was he sweating? Was it normal to suspect someone was a ghost? How did he know the man was flickering in time to his heart beat? Could he really feel his heart beat that strongly? (FWIW, I thought the heart beat line took away from the flickering, which is unusual enough to begin with and I wasn't really sure what I had just read because the heart beat part tripped me up. I had to read the line about the students pushing him through the guard twice--at first I thought he had jumped through because he thought he was a ghost. I LOVED the line about grabbing his arm and sealing his fate. I thought it was perfect. I didn't get where the current was coming from in the last part, but maybe that is explained soon. Or know what a deadlock was. Also, because there is so much going on and so much for the reader to follow, I wonder if the whole "blue de France" thing is necessary. Maybe it is. If it's not important, I would make that exchange simpler so that the reader can get through the rest of it more easily. So, I do really love it and love the pace of it I just think when there is so much the reader needs to ingest you need to make the non-essential pieces of information as simple as possible
ReplyDeleteI’ll start off by saying the Hope Diamond is one of my favorite legends ever. However, as strong as the writing is I’m just not drawn in to this because the pacing is off. Where some people languish in descriptions, you’re barreling through at an almost frenetic pace. Give some clarity to what’s going on. The idea of the ghostly janitor is fantastic, but your pace is so fast it’s not doing him or your set up any justice. Slow down and let everything breathe a bit — you’ll still be able to keep up the tension because you won’t have readers re-reading passages to make sure they didn’t miss vital info.
ReplyDeleteSomeone else said the voice skews a bit older and I think that’s because of the foreign language class. I, personally, never had one at the middle grade age, so I think that’s what may have skewed the voice older. My only other question is about the diamond itself — she’s either playing dumb about what was stolen when the Janitor says ‘le bleu de France’ or it mysteriously appeared on her. If it’s the latter… saying ‘I was the their’ is much stronger than I think you want it to be.
I’d read on though and hope the pacing slows so it isn’t so much of a break-neck race to the end!
This was a great opening! Loved it.
ReplyDeleteThis is the only bit that confused me. The current snagged my fingertips, snaking up my wrist and forearm. I pried out of the deadlock and severed the connection.
He’s talking like he knows what he’s talking about, like this has happened before. But I, as a reader, don’t know what’s happening. Perhaps describe the current, what it feels like. The same for the deadlock, so we have an idea of what he’s experiencing.
I would also like to know who this kid is. Perhaps someone in that crowd of kids pushing past him could say “Move, ______ (whatever his name is.) And maybe say the name of the museum.
But really, a nice start!
I agree with those who thought the pacing was a bit fast. Still, you have elements that intrigue me -- the museum setting, and famous artifacts. Be careful with fact-checking though, unless your story is set in the future when collections have consolidated. The Hope Diamond is in the Natural History Museum in Washington D.C., and Sue is in the Field Museum in Chicago. Nice job -- and now I really want to know why the janitor was dressed like Indy!
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