Title: Kevara
Genre: YA Fantasy
Only the desperate seek healing from the Jordi tribes.
As today is the advent of the harvest festival, I need not travel far to find them.
When the rising sun peeks above the trees, I slip from my windowsill, shrug into a dress and cloak stolen from the servants’ trunks, and step into the castle corridors. My family’s chambers, as well as the servants’ rooms, are silent. Perfect. No one will catch me sneaking into town. I smile and approach the thick door leading to the courtyard.
“Adira?”
Karst! I curse silently. But I force myself to take a breath. Corisa doesn’t deserve my anger.
My older sister sits in a stairwell, a silk robe belted around her waist. “You’re still going out?”
I give her my most winning grin. “I’m spending my birthday with friends.”
“Truly, Adira. Can you trust those Jordi potions?”
I stop smiling. Lift my chin. “I’ll try anything.” Anything to keep from seeing the ghosts—beasts like that six-tailed fox, or a pig with antlers and a snake’s tail, or the crow who changes color when I blink. Beasts who leer from the shadows and follow me down the halls. Who mutter when they know I listen, and howl when they think I don’t. No one else sees them. Corisa insists they will leave if I ignore them. But they’ve been coming more often and draw closer each time. I can’t ignore creatures shrieking in my ear or staring me in the face.
Corisa frowns.
I like the first sentence but then the second feels like a non-sequitor. Not because it doesn't connect logically to the first one, but because it drops all the mystery and urgency of the opening as if you never brought it up.
ReplyDeleteBy the time anything related to the first sentence comes back in, it's an infodump totally unrelated to the action at hand. This is an opening with all the "right" elements forced together into unrelated action. What you need is an opening that organically contains all the right elements.
I'm not hooked because the few things that caught me weren't put together well enough to keep me.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI would read on for sure. I love your first sentence -- not sure about your second, which doesn't relate to anything and just forestalls the action of Adira immediately leaving to find them.
I'm very interested in the monsters and spirits Adira is seeing and I can't wait to see them in-scene rather than just through telling. I might have preferred to have seen them for the first time in-scene, but this isn't a deal breaker.
A few points:
-It doesn't seem like Adira would be smiling when she is haunted by monsters and forced to take a desperate option, regardless of whether she is pleased that she won't be caught.
-I'm not convinced of the swearing/fake curse word, but perhaps I would get more used to it with time.
Anyway, lovely pacing and I'd definitely keep reading. Well done and good luck!
I love your first sentence. The problem comes from the expectation that we will find out why the mc is desperate. I think if you move the explanation from the end up, then have the sister stop her it will all work.
ReplyDeleteOnly the desperate seek... from the tribes.
I'd do anything to keep from seeing ghosts...(all the way to the end)... I can't ignore creatures... staring me in the face.
Today is the advent of the harvest... I need not travel far to find them.
I would read more. The set up is intriguing. The story question is enough to hook me. How could a tribe help her to stop seeing ghostly creatures?
This seems like lots of fun! I'd read on for sure. I did wonder a bit about the spending time with friends and seeking healing connection--are they meant to be the same? Otherwise, an interesting start!
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences together and starting us off don’t work for me at all, unfortunately. I’d start from your third paragraph and filter the other sentences in later. Though the second to the last paragraph feels like a bit of an info dump, it’s there that we learn that she’s desperate for a healing potion. I’d much rather see these creatures rather than be told about them, however. A hint that she sees some terrifying creatures would lead to her being desperate to seek the Jordi potions and, ending with the not needing to travel far to find them.
ReplyDeleteI always love the creation of profanity in writing I must say, especially for fantasies. It’s those little touches of world building that let you create parts of a language without becoming, say Tolkein.
My only other caution is your title. When I first read it, I thought it said Kedavra, as in Avada Kedavra of Harry Potter fame! This is though, something to this that I like and I would keep reading.
The parg about the beasts pulled me in. I would suggest moving it up to the beginning, right after ‘I need not travel far to find them.” I’d add something like “But I would.” And then go into “Anything to keep from seeing the ghosts . . . .’ That way, you pull me in from the start, not at the end.
ReplyDeleteI slip from my windowsill – this reads like the MC lives or sleeps on the windowsill. And is the MC male or female? I’m thinking male, and the dress is a disguise, but I don’t know and I should. And why does he have to sneak out? Why can’t he just walk out the door and say he’s going to town for a while or to see a friend. If he’s not supposed to leave the castle, let us know.