Title: Black Box
Genre: NA Science Fiction
I awake to the unmistakable sound of gunfire and a twisting pain in my side. There’s cold, rigid steel beneath me. Above me, a fluorescent light flickers, sizzles, then peters out. It’s a second or two before I can shake the fog from my head and adjust to the lack of light. Another moment before I realize where I am: the clean room. Only it’s not ‘clean’ any longer. A dark red, almost black puddle stains the floor a few feet away. Blood? My blood? Have I been shot? It would explain the sound, the pain.
Instinctively, I reach for my middle, my vital organs, but my hands won’t move until The metal restraints fastening my wrists to the chair open with a snap. “Move your ass,” a male voice hisses into my ear as unseen hands prod my shoulders. Once on my feet, the room begins to spin. I reach out to balance myself, slipping as my palm misses the chair I’ve just vacated, and landing in a pile upon the stainless steel floor. “We don’t have time for this,” the voice hisses again.
Hot, sharp pain radiates from my temples down the side of my face and into my neck. Craning my neck makes it worse so I can't look behind me to see his face without completely turning my body, which I can't do. I can't even manage to stand without falling, I wouldn't trust myself to pirouette.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent, and I'm a firm 'read on'. It's a scary concept and instant hook. I like the flow; there's a great rhythm and mix of sentence length which I think reads like a dream but must have been hell to learn!
I'm not completely convinced of the male voice 'hissing' in her ear -- possibly if he wasn't hissing, it would be fine -- more real frightening and less like it's in a story. In real life, people rarely hiss.
But yes, I'm hooked and don't really have any nitpicks. Too drawn in, I think!
Good luck!
The description and action are pulling me in, but I can't connect with the character yet. I'd love a couple of extra paragraphs before this action, describing where she is, WHO she is (I'm assuming it's a woman narrator), and just giving a bit more background so I can connect more before she's in danger.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I love the intensity, and I'm extremely curious who the male voice is. Even with my initial confusion, I'd read on.
I love the premise. Normally, we are told to never begin a story with your character just waking up, but this is different. Your character wakes to danger, conflict and suspense.
ReplyDeleteI only have a few suggestions and I'm not an expert, but I'm an avid reader and read anything with mystery, suspense and violence that I get my hands on. I would begin a new paragraph each time someone speaks. I'm also not convinced that a male character would describe a person's dialogue as a hiss and I'm a fan of sticking to the simple word, "said."
There was an instant when I was jarred from the story. I reach out to balance myself, slipping as my palm missed the chair I''d just vacated, and landing in a pile upon the stainless steel floor. That took me out of the story for just a second as I tried to visualize the scenario. Also, the man dragging him is clearly an adversary so he could say something more harsh than, "We don't have time for this."
I love that you jump right into the conflict and immediately put your character in danger and jeopardy. Your first page is suspenseful and leaves me dying to find out why your MC has been captured, by whom and what's in store for him. The tension is strong. I would read on.
This is a great opening! I love the scene, the disoriented voice, and the questions it leaves for the reader about what's going on.
ReplyDeleteJust a few formatting things:
These lines probably should be split, it reads a bit awkward as is. Also the last line of dialogue should be on a separate line.
-- I reach out to balance myself, slipping as my palm misses the chair I’ve just vacated, and landing in a pile upon the stainless steel floor. “We don’t have time for this,” the voice hisses again. --
Also in the last paragraph, 'neck' is used twice and 'can't' is used three times very close together. Watch repetition.
This is very compelling writing.
ReplyDeleteI was really hooked into your story.
I just couldn't quite picture exactly how your character was fastened to the chair in such a way that she couldn't see the man who is trying to get her moving.
A good beginning, drawing the reader into your character's fears and disorientation. Great job of 'showing', and not 'telling.' I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteA good beginning, drawing the reader into your character's fears and disorientation. Great job of 'showing', and not 'telling.' I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteWhat an intense opening. I agree with one of the comments above--this MC waking up in the opening didn't feel dull or cliche at all. I am curious, however, why it took the character so long to realize/wonder about being shot. Was the character drugged before, and trying to fight through a haze back to consciousness? Seems you know know right away if you've been shot in the side. I'm also curious whether the character recognizes the voice of the man ushering out him/her.
"Piroutte" in the last paragraph threw me off. It wasn't a word I was expecting in this setting. Is the character a dancer? If so, the word works. If not, I'd suggest finding a different word.
Thank you for managing to find one of the few exceptions to the rule ‘never start with a character waking up’ — and making it work for you. Few nitpicks here, though. When you say there’s cold, rigid steel beneath your MC, it implies that he/she is on a gurney and further solidified by the reaching for vital organs. So being in a chair pulled me out of the narrative as I readjusted the scene and blocking. Just think through all of your MC’s actions, when she (for ease of critique) slips, it would most likely be forward, but the chair is behind her. Now your MC is on the floor, so the pirouette comment doesn’t make sense. Think through all of her actions in your head so you know where your characters are at at all times and so it isn’t difficult to follow character blocking.
ReplyDeleteTry to give us a gender clue when one of the guys speak — even if it isn’t a name, one can always say “Move your ass, girl” or something so we know what gender the MC is. Also, for seeing the supposed blood on the floor, I’m surprised your MC hasn’t looked for an open wound. Are they wearing clothes? Naked? Etc.
I’m not 100% sold on this yet, but I’d read on a few more pages to see how things are handled before reading on or not.
An interesting scene, but kind of flat because it’s all told. You could kick it up several notches just by showing us what’s happening instead of telling us. For instance, don’t tell us the MC wakes to the sound of unmistakable gunfire, have him startle awake to the sound. Let us hear the gunfire. Let the MC feel and react to the pain in his side.
ReplyDeleteThe MC also wakes with cold steel below him. I had imagined he was laying on a cold steel table when you first mentioned it, and was surprised to learn he was sitting in a chair. We don’t learn until later that he’s talking about the floor, so perhaps make that evident when you first mention it.
Then the lights go out and he’s sitting in the dark . . . and notices a dark pool of blood on the floor. Could he see it in the dark?
And is the MC male or female? Give us a clue.