Title: The Third Gift
Genre: MG Fantasy
Marisi was raised on stories that didn't have happy endings. It's what happened when you grew up on an island. Ships sank. Priceless cargo was lost. Sailors never came home. It was said the tears of grieving mothers and lost children filled the oceans. Sad laments echoed through rafters and rattled down hallways in every manor house, on every island, in the world. They were cautionary tales with lessons tucked in along the way. Everyone cried when they heard them. Which only made the water rise higher. There was something almost poetic about it.
But Marisi had learned that being the star of your own sad story wasn't so great. Certainly nothing poetic. As far as Marisi could tell there wasn't even a lesson to be learned. Unless it was to never have a baby sister.
She sat on the stone sill of her bedroom window, folding a sheet of paper in half. Then she folded it again and again until it had a pointy snout, slender body and broad wings. Her mother called it a ‘featherless bird’ or ‘sail without a ship.’ But Marisi had a different idea. She wrote ADVENTURE across its wings in bold block letters.
Her house perched on top of a tall cliff – a perfect launch site. Leaning out the window she set ADVENTURE free with one smooth motion. “May you find a current to your liking. Sail high! Sail long! Sail true!”
ADVENTURE soared over the tops of tall oaks.
Great opening sentence! I want to know more! In these opening paragraphs, you give a feel for the setting without going overboard with description. I like how you end with Marisi looking for adventure, defying her world's norm.
ReplyDeleteLove the visual of a ocean of tears and then how you refer back to it: " It was said the tears of grieving mothers and lost children filled the oceans" and "Everyone cried when they heard them. Which only made the water rise higher."
Funny! "Unless it was to never have a baby sister."
You can delete the comma in "on every island, in the world."
I love your opening paragraph and the paragraph that follows. It tells us so much about your story and the setting.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a comma after "window" in that final paragraph.
I also want to know about the dialogue here. Does she shout it? Does she whisper it? It would say a lot to the reader if she's simply whispering it to herself.
I love your opening paragraph and the paragraph that follows. It tells us so much about your story and the setting.
ReplyDeleteI think you need a comma after "window" in that final paragraph.
I also want to know about the dialogue here. Does she shout it? Does she whisper it? It would say a lot to the reader if she's simply whispering it to herself.
LOVE.
ReplyDeleteHiya! I would definitely read on with this! It has a feeling similar to Cat Valente's 'THE GIRL WHO CIRCUMNAVIGATED FAIRYLAND IN A SHIP OF HER OWN MAKING', and I can't really give a better explanation than that. It's beautiful, it's quirky, and it feels like the start of something that is both classical and strange.
So really good work on that.
I'm a little torn over this paragraph:
'But Marisi had learned that being the star of your own sad story wasn't so great. Certainly nothing poetic. As far as Marisi could tell there wasn't even a lesson to be learned. Unless it was to never have a baby sister. '
I don't like it when there's too direct a connection between the character's life and a story -- the first paragraph did it perfectly, but this one felt a little cheesy. At the same time, a little cheesiness doesn't necessarily go amiss in a MG. I just wonder whether there's a better way to phrase it.
Anyway: a huge well done and good luck!
Marisi's longing rings clear and strong. While she is bound to the island, her hopes are carried on her paper aeroplane. I love the line that begins, 'Sad laments'. A bold beginning and a clear voice.
ReplyDeleteDitto demory. Excellent start.
ReplyDeleteOnly two things I wondered about:
1) The start of paragraph 2 isn't quite right. Not sure why, so it's useless input. Sorry. But it's less 'inviting'
2) Tops of tall oaks? That's over 120ft (almost 40m). I made me think it was a bigger island than I originally pictured. I hope that's made clearer as the opening progresses
Great voice in this piece! I loved the setting and start. And the babysitter line made me laugh. I did wonder a bit how the cliffs and tops of the oaks trees might be oriented, but otherwise I really enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteI love this voice. It feels old-fashioned, which I've seen in several new MGs lately, so it's not out of place. I like the introduction of the little sister, although at first I thought it meant she didn't have one, but then realized it probably meant she did and something was wrong. I didn't understand where the mom's description of the paper airplane came from. Was her mom watching her? Did she make these all the time and did her mom always say that? It felt out of place to me. Also, even with the voice being as it is, "sail high!", etc. felt over the top to me. Is this something a child would really say? I would definitely read on--I love the tone that is set so far.
ReplyDeleteI’ve cautioned against openings like this in other entries so far, so I feel a bit odd saying I really like it here. It goes to show that there are ways to starting books with these narration and almost backstory heavy openings without it being hard for the reader to parse through. If you’re going for an old-fashioned voice (as someone else termed it) I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue, however, didn’t quite ring true for me. It sounded so formal coming from her mouth and I don’t know much about this world yet to know if this is the way people speak in this world or not. It feels like this is going to be a very atmospheric, very upmarket book… even for MG. If that’s the case, do make sure it’s still accessible to a MG audience!
Wow. I want to thank all of you for your comments!
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue: "May you find a current to your liking. Sail high! Sail long! Sail True!" is a saying among the islanders. It's a traditional way of wishing one well when they're parting. So yes, it's not something a child would think of to say on their own. It is repeated a few times throughout the story. The dialogue in the story is modern. In the next few paragraphs you hear Marisi's voice.
In this first chapter I want a kid to see themselves in Marisi's place - feeling a bit put-upon with taking care of a baby sister when her parents are preoccupied with, what we would describe as, a family run business. It is not a high fantasy.
The story has many traditional qualities - perhaps that's the "old fashioned" feeling. It is atmospheric but I really want the two girls, Marisi and her baby sister Izabel, to be seen as very real kids who have a very real - and not always easy - relationship.
Once again, thanks for all the comments!
I kept going back and forth on this one. There are a lot of nice aspects here. I liked the story about island stories. The word Adventure on the paper airplane lets us know Marisi longs for one. The baby sister lets us know that’s why she’s trapped, or feels trapped. You get a lot across without ever coming out and saying it, and that works nicely.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, there’s no compelling hook. If I read more, it would be because of how you worked all this info into the opening. I’d be trusting you as a writer to come through with something. But your audience is MG and will be reading for story and adventure, so it may work better to cut those first two pargs so you can get right into the story and perhaps get something hooky on your first page. Or tighten it up enough so you have room to do that. If this was YA, I wouldn’t worry about it. They have longer attention spans.
The oak trees at the end were jarring in that I don’t think of oak trees as existing on an island. I know they can, but when I think islands, I think tropical. Perhaps give us a clearer image of the island. Is it tropical? Is it rocky and weather-beaten? Is it in a temperate zone?
Overall I liked it. But I do think you need a hook on the page, or pretty soon, only because of your audience. Or maybe I’m just underestimating them. I’ve been really helpful, haven’t I?
It was nice to see two more comments when I thought they were done! Yes, the island is temperate. I added the oak trees on purpose - it does seem like people think of islands as tropical when there's Greenland, Iceland, Prince Edward Island, Maine has islands as does Norway. Alaska has a huge archipelago. This is only the first 250 words - there's more about the island's make up later on. MG has big breadth in reading ability and story type. I try to never underestimate kids. Whether this would appeal to them - I guess I'll have to find out. Thanks for your comments. They're always helpful!
DeleteI really liked this -- it felt very whole, like you knew exactly what you were doing. I would totally trust you and read on. The only thing I might change would be "But Marisi had learned that being the star of your own sad story wasn't so great." -- changing "had learned" to "But Marisi knew that being the star". The had learned skews a bit older than I think she actually is to me. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed it! I've enjoyed living so close to this world. I know its mythologies, the characters, the world - inside out. I'm glad that came across. I'll think about changing the wording in that one sentence. It seems to have stubbed a lot of toes. Thanks again.
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