Title: Shrouded Goddess
Genre: YA Fantasy
Only Uncle Hector would hang a man then go fishing.
The giant jatoba tree, where the noose is set, shades the corpse but doesn’t protect it from the heat. Winter is more merciful than the hellish summer of this land, but only slightly. Noon is fast approaching, and a stench of emptied bowels permeates the village like early morning fog. I press an arm over my nose and quicken my pace to the bakery ahead. At least there is some advantage to being forced to wear long sleeves in this weather.
Vultures circle the cloudless sky above the tree, but not even they dare to defy Uncle Hector. Why did Aryeea send me to the village now? I glance over my shoulder at the fortress’s four-story tower spiked on the Igjommi Hill. The fluttering white cloth, billowing like a sail in the valley breeze, can only be my grandmother’s skirt. Of course she’s watching me from the balcony.
I find the bakery door closed, so I shut it behind me. The warm scent of dough helps me ignore the heat. Steps approach from an inside room, and the baker’s rosy face beams at me as he ambles through the doorway.
“Lady Sophia.” He wipes his hands on his tunic. “What do you like today?”
I’d like someone to cut down that man and bury him before he rots. But if I voice the request, the baker will feel obliged to carry out the order. No need to tempt another hanging.
I didn't understand what you meant by this sentence: At least there is some advantage to being forced to wear long sleeves in this weather.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a strong opening. I think you could expand a tiny bit about the grandmother watching over her, though. I'm sure you do later, but I wanted another sentence here about why her grandmother is watching her from the top of a tower, of all places.
I didn't understand what you meant by this sentence: At least there is some advantage to being forced to wear long sleeves in this weather.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a strong opening. I think you could expand a tiny bit about the grandmother watching over her, though. I'm sure you do later, but I wanted another sentence here about why her grandmother is watching her from the top of a tower, of all places.
I really like the title for this one! The opening is strong with great descriptions and introducing quite an event. I'm very curious about what's happened here and why it seems to be normal? My only question, is this historical fantasy?
ReplyDeleteGreat first line! And a good opening page. Some of the names were hard to pronounce, and I also didn't get that sentence about the long sleeves right away. I did get it after a bit of thought. She can use the sleeve to protect her from the smell, but I shouldn't have to think about it, so maybe make that a bit more evident.
ReplyDeleteI find the bakery door closed, so I shut it behind me - was also awkward, because she has to open it first and go inside, then close it.
But you did leave me with a lot of questions of the good kind!
The first line drew me right in, and there's questions I'm dying to have answered, so I'd read more. The sleeves confused me a little, and I wasn't sure if Aryeea is the Grandmother or someone else. I would have liked to have a hint at the grandmother's reason for staring to get an idea of the relationship, but only a word or two.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the descriptions! I could smell the bakery and feel the cold. As said, I'd keep reading.
I love great openings like this. Way to start with a hook :) I thought you did a good job of describing the setting, but I hope you introduce your MC's stakes very soon, from the first page all I got were the things she sees around herself.
ReplyDeleteHooked from the first opening line of this. Well done there and definitely I want to keep reading. I didn’t have the same issue with the long sleeves comment as others have (as I take a quick skim of the comments) but this is a perfect example of how subjective this business is. What works for one doesn’t work for another.
ReplyDeleteI do, however, find some words quite hard to prononuce (Areea and Igjommi particularly) and it pulls me out of the narration to have to stop and try to sound it out in my head. Watch your blocking here since if a door is closed, it’s awkward to have her close it again behind her. I know what you’re going for so you could say that she closed the door like she found it, or something. But definitely a very strong opening. Well done!