TITLE: The Doppelgangers
GENRE: MG - Contemporary w/fantasy
Reed Bradley is beside himself - really. That's because a doppelganger just popped out of him. The villian Rasputin is to blame but left no instructions to reverse the curse.
It was a school tradition. Nobody cared about the Quiz Bowl. Not since the very first one – back when phones were on walls and STEM was part of a flower. Reed Bradley only cared because the Quiz Bowl was the one day of the year that anybody wanted him around. The homerooms compete against each other and this year his homeroom was a pretty tough crowd. Socially, that is – not academically. Reed was all they had.
When his name made the roster for the Quiz Bowl team, nobody was surprised. But making the team wasn’t like making the basketball team or soccer. Parents didn’t even attended it and nobody ever remembered who won.
“I mean, really,” said one girl, checking her fingernails, each painted a different color, “Non-Event.”
That apathy ended abruptly when Gretchen Goodwin visited the school. Suddenly, everybody took it seriously. This year everybody cared.
It started in April with a surprise assembly in the gym. Climbing the bleachers, Reed knew something was up. His homeroom teacher, Mrs. Baker followed the class up and sat next to Reed. He wished she wouldn’t do that – it just drew attention to the fact that he sat alone. Reed thought that she seemed twitchy, like she knew something that she hadn’t told the kids.
Principal Grant stood in the middle of the gym floor, looking the same as always– like he was impersonating a bundle of dirty laundry. His pants were buckled low under his droopy middle and his limp mustard-stained shirt was untucked on one side. But something was different. Mr. Grant was standing straighter than usual and was smoothing his hair with his hand.
Nice work! I laughed out loud in a couple of places. The voice is consistent throughout, and some of the quips regarding STEM and "non-event" are current and very funny. I could see a middle grader having these thoughts and attitude.
ReplyDeleteI love the main character, that they only want him for his "brains" which makes him quite endearing. I like him immediately.
My one quibble is the mention of Gretchen Goodwin. Who is she? Aside from the assumption she's either a local hero or a Hollywood starlet, I felt like I was left hanging. And because you abandon her as quickly as you introduce her, I forget about her by the end of the excerpt.
If you're going to stick a mention in like that, just to whet our whistle, that's fine, but I think including why she matters will make a difference, something other than the fact her presence makes the Quiz Bowl an "event."
Good luck with your story! Great read!
In the word cut off, the info about Gretchen Goodwin is only a few sentences away. Thanks for the insight. My, oh, my - feedback is precious!!!
DeleteThe first paragraph is money! Well done. I agree with the Gretchen Goodwin sentence. Not knowing the significance or who this character is pulls me out of the beginning of the story. Maybe work in later and just mentioning something was different this year in the first 250. I think the voice is a solid MG, but am on the fence about the inclusion of the comment by the girl with the nails.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is money! Well done. I agree with the Gretchen Goodwin sentence. Not knowing the significance or who this character is pulls me out of the beginning of the story. Maybe work in later and just mentioning something was different this year in the first 250. I think the voice is a solid MG, but am on the fence about the inclusion of the comment by the girl with the nails.
ReplyDeleteHm, I'm questioning my own judgment because I agree that I like your writing but it feels a little older to me than middle grade for all the things the 2 others mentioned. So maybe I'm wrong. Good story, nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteHm, I'm questioning my own judgment because I agree that I like your writing but it feels a little older to me than middle grade for all the things the 2 others mentioned. So maybe I'm wrong. Good story, nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice. It reads upper middle grade to me like Percy Jackson, because of the type and amount of wry reflection going on, but kids who are 11-14 will totally get it and may not be reading YA yet. I'm always looking for upper mg for my 12 year old. You've got great humor in here! I was okay with not knowing who Gretchen was, because I wanted to keep reading to find out, as I'm sure we will learn more. Excellent work!
ReplyDeleteSeems like a fun, unique concept and I love the details about the teachers that give up that "something is not what it seems." Voice seems authentic and entertains.
ReplyDeleteWhen Mrs. Baker sits next to him I feel like you could do that less tell-y. It's a powerful moment to a middle schooler (revolting) and might be stronger.
Nice work!
Entry #2
I'm really interested in your premise, and I think for the most part your voice is spot on. That said there's a couple phrases (and while I like them) they struck me as more something an adult would say not a kid
ReplyDeleteThe first one was - Not since the very first one – back when phones were on walls and STEM was part of a flower. (I really love this phrase but not sure a kid would make these comparisons, especially not the first one.)
The second phrase that sounded adultish is Socially, that is – not academically.
I also noticed you tend to favor to be verbs, especially in the last paragraph. If you can trim some of those down I think that will make your voice even stronger.
You also had a small typo in "Parents didn’t even attended it" And Id consider cutting the word even, I dont think you need it.
But overall I really like your story and think you are definitely on the right track.
Best of luck moving forward with your manuscript.
Jamie - Entry #35