TITLE: Snow Day!
GENRE: MG - adventure/magical realism
Fifth graders take on the seemingly impossible challenge that has eluded previous classes for decades: find a way to make it snow hard enough to get school cancelled.
There are Mondays and then there are Mondays… and I’ll give you three guesses what day of the week it was when I first met her.
As soon as I was out of my mom’s line of sight I yanked the embarrassingly purple mittens off my hands and stuffed ’em roughly back into my coat pockets. I was in absolutely no hurry to get where I was going. My twerp of a kid brother, on the other hand, was far more motivated. In fact, he had skipped so far ahead he’d already rounded the corner. Little runt. Yeah, you could safely say he was more excited about a full day of learning than I was. Whatevs.
I could sympathize with the broken sidewalk which led to where I didn’t want to go. It didn’t react well to the winter. I didn’t react well to that time of day. Cold and I get along just fine. Mornings and I are another story entirely.
And then it happened. There was, ohhh, maybe about a twelve second span where I was wasn’t able to see or hear either my mom and my wart of a brother, and, even though I didn’t know it at that time, those were the finest twelve seconds of my entire Monday.
It was on that thirteenth second that my brother came flying back around the corner yelling my name and flailing his arms. Good ol’ lucky thirteen.
“D.C.! D.C.! D.C.!” the toad screamed.
Your writing is really snappy and the voice is great. I was told to be a little mindful of sounding snarky in MG, as it can be a little YA. The only place I think of that is with whatevs. Love the nicknames for the brother. Also, I'm sure it makes sense with more to follow, but I might consider naming the brother in the first bit of dialogue.
ReplyDeleteInstead of And then it happened, I might use it to set the scene a bit more, instead of pre-telling us something is about to happen. She can stroll along, notice something, or take it out altogether.
Also, not sure if the sidewalk bit works. Love the idea, but I'd play a little with the time of day a bit more. It's a good line. But maybe use a comparison to something that also doesn't like mornings. Maybe... she could step over the cracks leading up to the twelve second span bit.
Anyway, just tweaks, you've got the voice down here. WEll done.
There are some very good moments here, the references to the brother, the finest 12 seconds part.
ReplyDeleteThe sidewalk thing tripped me up a bit and there is some telling that really pulls me away from the kid voice. A kid will just show, not get overly descriptive.
The main example is the "embarrassingly" purple and stuffed "roughly". Let the actions show those adverbs, because a kid can totally do that, whereas an adult falls into telling.
There are some very good moments here, the references to the brother, the finest 12 seconds part.
ReplyDeleteThe sidewalk thing tripped me up a bit and there is some telling that really pulls me away from the kid voice. A kid will just show, not get overly descriptive.
The main example is the "embarrassingly" purple and stuffed "roughly". Let the actions show those adverbs, because a kid can totally do that, whereas an adult falls into telling.
The voice is great and I loved the first paragraph. It was a bit snarky for my taste. The entire time I didn't know if the MC was a boy or a girl. I waited until the brother said the name and then it was D.C. Which tells me nothing.
ReplyDeleteI like the rhythm of the language - the voice sounds right.
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut back on the little brother's nicknames - twerp, runt and wart - three in the first 250 words sounds a bit much.
"Broken sidewalk" - broken due to frost heaves? Sidewalks can be broken for a lot of reasons. Specifics would help.
The opening paragraph left me a bit lost - guess how much someone likes it depends on how much patience the reader has to find out who "she" is. It feels disconnected from the rest of the story.
Logline: There isn't enough information here to support the length of a novel. Getting out of a test for one day isn't enough for a whole novel - does the 'snow day' get out of control? Do conditions 'snowball' out of control? What happens if the kid(s) doesn't get weather returned to normal? Other than wanting to get school cancelled I don't know what the story is about.
Right off the bat your logline hooked me. It already had me asking well how in the heck are they going to do that. I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a really good voice here. It get's a little wordy in a few place for instance when you start describing the seconds I think that first line could be tightened a little bit.
Also just another thing I noticed, you changed verb tense "Mornings and I are another story entirely." it should probably be were instead of are.
I think you've got an interesting start here and would be curious to see where things go.
Best of luck moving forward with this.
Jamie - Entry #35