TITLE: Dragon Dilemma
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
Long ago, the enchanted genes of Earth had become dormant and the world was disenchanted. Now, beyond the aftermath of severe climate change, the enchanted gene, which exists within every living thing, has been reactivated. Earth has become magical again.
But not everyone is okay with that.
I didn’t usually break the rules like this, but Mom and Pop were worried. Last year’s crop of specialized corn produced only half of what we were supposed to get. All of the crop-farms had been duds over the last several years. It didn’t make sense. Mom worked non-stop on her scientific calculations and formulas, looking through microscopes, scratching her head, trying to figure out why. And now it was planting season and the seedlings were sad and sickly, so Mom, usually a law abiding and uptight, paranoid woman was ready to try anything — even an old method Gran suggested — fertilizing naturally with cow droppings.
So, here I was hauling cow manure we got by trading eggs we weren’t supposed to have through the outlands, with a silly cat following me, pretending he wasn’t. I breathed deep and relaxed. There wasn’t a soul around besides the specs of farmers below planting their spring crops, so I’d be able to keep my promise to not talk to anyone.
I pedaled the rusty bike my brother, Reggie, put together with spare parts he’d found from somewhere, along the access road at the base of River Wall. The cart of manure bumped along behind me, buzzing with flies and attracting a flock of crows. The crows caw-cawed at me. Some dove in to peck at the cow pies. I wondered if Mom meant I shouldn’t even talk to crows or the cat. I shrugged. Who were they going to tell?
I liked the premise and while the logline hooked me on the concept - I found my attention wandering as I read through the submission - I think there is too much telling here and I find it gets in the way of the voice. I wonder if you could go from the first line to the action of what he is doing a little quicker. I think I need to feel the worry and tension more. Love the idea of what is 'not allowed' being normal things like eggs and cow-fertilizer. Like I said interesting premise and would love to see how it panned out.
ReplyDeleteThis is a cool concept! I did find the pitch to be pretty vague - a good pitch should include character, conflict, and stakes, and I think adding that in would really draw the reader's attention. For example, "Not everyone is okay with that." Who specifically? And why does it matter if they're ok with it or not - what are they going to do about it? What is the threat? And you should identify the main character in the pitch too. Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments. Needs more tension and specifics. Instead of breathing deep and relaxing, I'd like her to be worried.
ReplyDeleteThe first line on the 2nd para is a little confusing. Was it the eggs she wasn't supposed to have? The manure? Both? Maybe it goes back to the first line. What rule did she break? The trade? Having eggs? Riding through the outlands? So a little more clarity will go a long way to help me get into the world, connect with the voice and feel more tension.
And your magic in a post-apocalyptic world sounds awesome.
Your logline could be much tighter: In the aftermath of severe climate change, long dormant genes have reactivated in every living creature. Earth has become magical again.
ReplyDeleteBut not everyone is okay with that.
You've got a good voice, but be careful you don't ramble like you do with the Mom bit. Remember there's a economy to words. They have to have value. And some will be more valuable than others in certain phrases.
Thank you all! I think I had a better opening before this latest revise. Back to it. Thanks for the much needed insight.
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd share my rewrite of the opening. I went back to what I remembered was the true heart of the story. I got a bit distracted before with an idea that presented itself in my last revision.
ReplyDelete___
All I wanted was to get the cow manure home without talking to anyone as promised, but someone with my luck never gets the happily ever after like in Gran’s stories. I pedaled the rusty bike my brother, Reggie, put together with spare parts he found from who knows where, along the empty road at the base of River Wall. The cart of manure bumped along behind me, buzzing with flies and attracting a flock of crows. I wondered if Mom meant I shouldn’t even talk to crows or the cat who was following me, pretending he wasn’t. I shrugged. Who were they going to tell?
In my best imitation of Gran’s storytelling voice, I said, “Once upon a time, a tragically misunderstood girl, who her mother was afraid was a witch, hauled a cart of cow dung home with only one goal in mind, to keep her big mouth shut and, thus, not turn anyone into a frog, if such a thing were even possible.”
I stopped at the turn off to Farmer’s Lane. Even though it was shortest in distance, it would take twice as long with all those ruts and potholes. Plus it ran right through Forgotten Forest which everyone knew was filled with tree spirits waiting to pull you into the tree trunks and eat you for lunch or turn you into one of them. But worse, it ran by my X-best friend Sara’s house.
I'd still constrict:
ReplyDeleteAll I wanted was to get my cow manure home without any trouble. I pedaled my spare-parts bike along the empty road at the base of River Wall. The cart of manure bumped along behind me, buzzing with flies and attracting a flock of crows.
Mom had told me not to talk to anyone, but did that include crows and the cat who had been trailing me for two leagues, pretending like he wasn’t. I shrugged. Who were they going to tell?
I did my best imitation of one of Gran's tales. “Once upon a time, a tragically misunderstood girl, whose own mother thought was a witch, hauled a cart of cow dung home with only one goal in mind: to keep her big mouth shut and, thus, not turn anyone into a frog."