TITLE: Layers of Lennon
GENRE: MG - Contemporary Mystery
A boy with O.C.D. finds a portrait of his dead dad beneath germy mounds of gum at a local tourist attraction. The search for more artwork leads to clues about his dad’s death, which can only be pieced together by trading a hierarchy of fears for one of dreams.
Deep breath number one.
Five feet away looms the germiest, nastiest, most disgusting landmark in Seattle. It’s also one of the most popular. If you haven’t seen The Gum Wall at Pike Place Market, and for some reason actually want to, imagine sixty feet and twenty years’ worth of gooey wads and ropes drooping from every surface. Someone once counted fifty pieces of gum on a single brick. I don’t even want to think about how they went about counting saliva-saturated blob atop blob, pink, green, yellow, blue, ick, ick, ick, ick. All oozing in a vapor of spearmint and sugar that could gag a person in mid-summer.
Deep breath number two.
Okay, you might be asking why I’m standing in front of such a monstrosity. You’d be wondering even harder if you knew about my issues with germs. My mom, who doesn’t know the half of it (or, let’s be honest, even the tenth of it), thinks my worries about contamination might be the beginning of a “disorder”. I can say with certainty, although not publicly (duh!), that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, otherwise known as O . C . D .
But I can also report I’ve got it under control. The same way I got voted as sixth grade class president and taught myself to speak conversational Spanish. With a well-thought out and researched plan.
So, this thing I’m doing, standing in front of the gum wall right now? It’s rung number six on my germ ladder.
I liked the tone and the direction of the story. Yes, I'm hooked and would read more.
ReplyDeleteawells
ReplyDeleteI love the voice, and I think this is starting off really well. I'm hoping that you have researched enough to get the OCD part right (not enough here to tell), because that component of your story line is one of the things this has going for it.
The blurb is great. Sounds like a good mystery and character arc. The ending was bam. I wanted to read more. Now, my initial thought until the end was that the voice was too old, the observations and vocabulary had me doubting, but I guess if he’s a kid genius type, taught himself conversational Spanish, then maybe the voice does fit. The writing is nice and smooth. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHm. Love the concept. I wonder if you cut some of these paragraphs and showed his physical reaction more and talked about what he was thinking less. Help us see the world through his eyes? Like what does he/she do to remedy seeing all these germs. Not totally sure, but I'm intrigued with the voice and the potential for a person with OCD going through the world.
ReplyDeleteI also think you should mention that there's a portrait of his dead dad behind this gum that he wants/needs immediately. That would up the stakes to a nice high level right from the start. That could even be your opening line. (Layers of gum and layers of Lennon is a nice mirror image by the way.)
Good luck!
The description of the wall is great...good hook and it is a unique one too. After deep breath number two, though, you begin to tell instead of show. I would like to be in this kid's head more and feel what he's feeling. Might not even need to know about the OCD yet...save that for later. OCD plays out in so many interesting ways that it leaves you ample opportunity to create that platform before naming it directly. Great premise for the story!
ReplyDeleteThe description of the wall is great...good hook and it is a unique one too. After deep breath number two, though, you begin to tell instead of show. I would like to be in this kid's head more and feel what he's feeling. Might not even need to know about the OCD yet...save that for later. OCD plays out in so many interesting ways that it leaves you ample opportunity to create that platform before naming it directly. Great premise for the story!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteFor me the gum description was a bit long, but kids would probably love it!
Keep up the great work!
These critiques are much appreciated! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteReady to tackle the next revision,
Jeanne (aka Mama Chai)
I wanted to keep reading! IMO, it's just gross enough to attract boys, and underdog enough to attract girls. It was a stretch to believe the wall smells like gum, but I haven't been there, so maybe it does. Good luck with the rest of the story!
ReplyDelete