TITLE: The Rookery
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
Twelve-year-old Kellen absolutely refuses to be turning into a bird, or really, a Freak. But when her younger sister becomes the next victim of Avian kidnappers, she realizes that the only way to save her is to accept her newfound powers.
Secrets used to be cool to Kellen. Mysterious and intriguing. But now that she had a secret of her own, she knew otherwise. Secrets were stupid. Secrets were embarrassing. Secrets were disastrous.
She looked at her unmade bed and shame rushed to her cheeks. There were feathers splayed all over her bed. How the heck did they get there? They weren’t goose-down, like the white ones you find when your pillow explodes. These were different. Fluffy and soft, like the lining of a bird’s nest. Some were white with black stripes and others were tawny with white specks.
Her window had been closed all night—nothing could have come in. Rat, the family cat, was locked out—he couldn’t have left her a “present”. How could the feathers have gotten into her bed? A strange thought snuck into her head like an oil leak. Could the feathers have come from her?
Someone pounded on her bedroom door. “Kellen! There’s been another! Kellen! Wake up!” It was Linnet, her little sister.
“Not now, Linnet!” she muttered under her breath. But she knew, with Linnet, it had to be now. Kellen had to hide her secret, quick!
“Kellen! I’m coming in!” Linnet warned.
A metallic tinkling came through the doorknob. She had to act fast. Linnet had been working on her lock-picking skills lately, and it wouldn’t take long for her to get in. Most seven-year old girls loved horses or wanted to be princesses. Kellen’s little sister was in training to be a detective.
I'm hooked - the logline was a little awkward but the first paragraph was intriguing - and how is the main character going to keep a secret with a detective for a younger sister - nice
ReplyDeleteI agree with MFGoddard -- the logline needs work, but the overall implication hooked me too. This would be a book I'd want to read.
ReplyDeleteI do have trouble believing that Kellen would guess so quickly that the feathers came from her, however. Why wouldn't she wonder if her little sister had been playing a prank? If Linnet can pick locks, it would be quite easy to sneak into Kellen's room in the middle of the night and dump feathers in the bed.
I think Kellen would have to have had multiple episodes like this before she starts thinking she's the source of the feathers. That or she'd heard of this kind of thing through stories her grandmother (or somebody) used to tell her.
The voice of Kellen didn't consistently sound like a 12-year-old to me. Especially at the beginning when she was talking about secrets -- she sounds older than 12 sometimes.
Good luck with your story!
I agree with Kate. The line where she is wondering if the feathers came from her seems a little bit of a reach and probably not a logical deduction. I would simply delete that sentence. Also, I am intrigued with the premise. It sounds like something a middle grader would we interested in reading.
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ReplyDeleteawells
ReplyDeleteI like the premise a lot, and your logline really did get my interest. I agree with the comments above about Kellen picking up on what's happening a little too quickly. I love the little sister already--and would read further to see how that relationship develops.
I'll admit the premise doesn't call to me, but it's not my type of fantasy. I know it'll be popular.
ReplyDeleteThe voice and the narrative both need work IMO because she knows about the avian disease. This is first person. Why would she waste time thinking about pillows? I'd rather you start with the second paragraph and get right into the freak part of her fears.
I agree with everyone above except where does it say she knows about the Avian disease? I thought it sounded like a 12 year old except for the oil leak comment. Although I like the thing about secrets, it doesn't seem to go with the next paragraph where she doesn't know where the feathers are coming from. I agree I would start the book with her finding the feathers in her bed and not the secrets.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone above except where does it say she knows about the Avian disease? I thought it sounded like a 12 year old except for the oil leak comment. Although I like the thing about secrets, it doesn't seem to go with the next paragraph where she doesn't know where the feathers are coming from. I agree I would start the book with her finding the feathers in her bed and not the secrets.
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