TITLE: The Adventures of Finn Farrow and the Infallible Time Travelers
GENRE: MG - Science Fiction
Finn Farrow always thought his dad was crazy until he inherited the silver comb. He could now Leap Behind and explore ancient worlds. With the help of his new friends, Finn quickly learns how dangerous time travel can be.
Finn Farrow opened the bottom drawer of the dresser, pulled out a stack of jeans and threw them into his duffel bag. He glanced at Bags, sitting on his bed, playing with his phone. His friend preferred to wear a Greek toga, just in case he could squeeze in a quick trip to Ancient Greece, but today he was dressed like an ordinary kid, jeans, a tee shirt and flip-flops.
“Are you packed?” Finn asked.
Bags grinned and said, “Yep. Three togas, a toothbrush and my Leap Behind. I’m ready to go!”
Both were both tall for fourteen, just under six feet. Bags had a thin frame with brown wavy hair, brown eyes and a crooked smile. He was outgoing and very popular. Finn was fair with serious green eyes. They were more than roommates, they were best friends, and they were time travelers.
Finn continued to pack, emptying his closet and checking under his bed for any wayward socks. He couldn’t believe his freshman year at Whispering Pines was over. In some ways he was glad, he really wanted to go home and see his dad.
I’m not going to time travel this summer. At least not until I know dad is okay. Finn pulled out the silver comb in his back pocket and turned it over in his hands several times. If I comb my hair, would my Leap Behind take me back to Egypt? Would King Tut still be dead?
The voice seems appropriate for the age. However, you might want to do a little editing and get rid of some repeating words. It sounds like an interesting set up.
ReplyDeleteI totally love the concept introduced in the logline. And I agree, the voice seems age appropriate. The things Finn notices seem appropriate.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you might tweak the beginning. First lines are supposedly so very important and yours is of a boy packing. Doesn't draw a person in. The togas are interesting and the boarding school is interesting, and the comb/Leap Behind is interesting.
Also consider getting rid of the info dump on their looks. Not interesting, or necessary.
Great concept and details!
I totally love the concept introduced in the logline. And I agree, the voice seems age appropriate. The things Finn notices seem appropriate.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you might tweak the beginning. First lines are supposedly so very important and yours is of a boy packing. Doesn't draw a person in. The togas are interesting and the boarding school is interesting, and the comb/Leap Behind is interesting.
Also consider getting rid of the info dump on their looks. Not interesting, or necessary.
Great concept and details!
I like the start of the logline, but the end is too generic for me--as if there's no nemesis just situations.
ReplyDeleteAlthough interesting, I wouldn't read on. It feels like I'm reading the sequel, too much is in play already. I hope this isn't a prolog that then goes into 'I remember six months ago'. If so you're starting in the wrong place.
The setting is fine, the characters seem solid, but your opening is weak. It misses a hook. Here's a suggestion: add a sentence at the end of your first paragraph, to establish the setting, strengthen the voice and improve your opening.
ReplyDelete"...but today he was dressed like an ordinary kid: jeans, tee shirt and flip-flops. The outfit of choice for someone who was not going to time-travel. Or so, Finn kept telling him."
"...but today he was dressed like an ordinary kid: jeans, tee shirt and flip-flops. No chance of someone finding out /this/ was a time-travel outfit."
I agree that you may want a stronger "hook" at the very beginning. There is a fair amount of description which could be added later instead.
ReplyDeleteIf a kid has finished his freshman year - would this be more of a Young Adult?
I really like your premise and I think your voice is spot on. I have to wonder if you started in the right spot for your story though. It feels like half a step up from a normal day. And for someone who is a time traveler i'd expect a little more abnormal, and slightly less repetitive. Maybe jump to the trip faster and have less time for packing. That might increase the immediacy and tension in your opening.
ReplyDeleteI agree with S.D. King if he finished his freshman year he's probably closer to 15 and 14/15 can often fall in no mans land in terms of whether a story should be MG or YA. Based on your voice and concept you seem squarely in MG territory so you might want to adjust ages and school years slightly.
Best of luck as you continue on with this.
Jamie - Entry #35