TITLE: The O'Malley Curse
GENRE: MG - Adventure
To break the family curse and heal his defective leg, Finn O’Malley, a twelve-year-old boy, embarks on a dangerous quest with his eccentric grandpa to find Old West treasure hidden by outlaw ancestors.
The fourth teenager hiked past me as I limped up Scar Mountain. I clutched the sled on my good side, opposite my bum leg, using it as a cane. The air was heavy with humidity, left over from one of those crazy Amber Storms, and my T-shirt was soaked. I heard shouts – they were sledding the ravine. I tried to climb faster.
We weren’t supposed to be here. Climbing, heck, touching Scar was against the law, but this is what kids from Wakanda did after an Amber Storm. The storm hits, with raindrops sharp as a wolf’s fangs and winds so strong the mountain sways, and carves a ravine down Scar that no kid could resist the urge to sled. Then the grownups would ruin the fun and fill in the ravine. Today, we lucked out because grownups were trapped at work, but kids were out of school.
And we were gonna sled.
More teenagers passed me. One knocked the sled out of my hand. “Finn O’Malley’s sledding? This should be good for a laugh.”
I picked up the sled, noticing younger kids were heading toward me. I groaned, knowing I’d get to the top with ten-year-olds. I gritted my teeth and forced myself up the steep slope covered with wildflowers and spongy moss the color of tea. My leg ached, a sensation starting in the hip and shooting to my toes. I was used to that, the daily pain. I wasn’t looking forward to what my father nicknamed, “Finn-being-stupid-pain.”
I like the blurb. It does what a blurb should: Motivation and action. While the stakes are implied, not breaking the curse, this could be stronger if the stakes are stated, meaning, what happens that’s bad if the curse is not broken. I don’t mean the world blows up, but like that.
ReplyDeleteThe story is engaging. Things are happening and about to happen. Sledding against the rules is fun. The voice is basically good. I liked this:
Today, we lucked out because grownups were trapped at work, but kids were out of school.
And we were gonna sled.
The one sentence paragraph conveys excitement to me.
The writing is a little rough in places, commas misplaced, and I don’t get this line: I groaned, knowing I’d get to the top with ten-year-olds.
But this is a good start to what sounds like a fun story. Best wishes for your success with it.
This opening is active and hints at theme and arc. Love it.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion, show Finn ache a little more when he has to pick up the slide. Not necessarily in pain, maybe just more frustration.
I like the last two lines.
The logline definitely hooked me, and I'm intrigued by the ravine. But why was it illegal? And if it was, why weren't there police officers there? Also, how would people actually fill in the ravine? Finally, if it had snowed, why were there wildflowers and moss?
ReplyDeleteFinally, when Finn sees the younger kids, maybe change the verb to "catching up." Overall, while the writing needs a bit of tightening, the premise is strong.
The logline definitely hooked me, and I'm intrigued by the ravine. But why was it illegal? And if it was, why weren't there police officers there? Also, how would people actually fill in the ravine? Finally, if it had snowed, why were there wildflowers and moss?
ReplyDeleteFinally, when Finn sees the younger kids, maybe change the verb to "catching up." Overall, while the writing needs a bit of tightening, the premise is strong.
Very strong hook. Great use of language: "sharp as a wolf’s fangs and winds so strong the mountain sways" and "the color of tea." The line, "And we were gonna sled" is perfectly placed alone. I think you give us just enough information to be intrigued. We don't really need to know why it's illegal to be on the mountain or why he has a bum leg, do we? All of that can come later; questions like this would make me keep reading. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening scene. I was confused at first - with sled I thought snow - but then it is raining and he is sweating. So I guess they slide on the mud?
ReplyDeleteAnyway - I would keep reading. I want to know why the mountain is illegal. I want to know why his dad is unsympathetic. I want to know how he hurt himself. I want to know why sledding is important enough to endure the pain and the ridicule of others.
Long story short - I Want To Know a lot of stuff and I would keep reading!! Nice work!