TITLE: THE BATTLE OF DESTINY GARDENS
GENRE: MG - Fantasy Adventure
After his middle school nemesis is kidnapped at a retirement home by its possessed dance instructor, Ellis must save the girl and lead the oddball elderly residents to battle the demon and its raven minions.
The news hit Ellis Brown like a blindside tackle, instantly ruining his once-promising Saturday morning. He could not believe what he just heard. “You mean a girl has already been here selling these tickets?”
Mr. McGregor nodded, “Yes, she came about an hour ago. Still in the building, I believe.”
"Such an angel, blonde hair, blue eyes, and beaming with joy,” said Mrs. McGregor perched beside him in a matching red velvet armchair.
Yep, that’s Alicia. What a fake. Ellis forced a smile as anxiety bubbled in the pit of his stomach. “And I suppose she sold you tickets to our show?”
“As a matter of fact, she did," Mr. McGregor said. “She seems to be a sweet young lady.”
Sweet? Maybe, if rattlesnake’s venom is sweet. “She does have a way,” Ellis said.
“She did mention that a friend might stop by later. That must be you.”
Ellis had one big problem, Alicia Swanson. She had been a thorn in his side since the very first minute of middle school. She beat him at everything. Worst of all, she had a habit of broadcasting it to everyone. Ellis stifled a groan and wondered how long until the whole world knew of this latest conquest.
Ever since their summer drama teacher announced a contest to sell the most tickets to their performance of Alice In Wonderland, he’d been banking on winning by selling a boatload of tickets to the old people at the Destiny Gardens Retirement Community. Instead, Alicia had beaten him to the punch.
Your logline pulled me in! I like the voice in the first scene, and it feels believable for an older middle schooler. The first two sentence feel a little cliched, particularly if Ellis is a drama kid rather than a football kid. A couple other little suggestions: change "perched beside him" to "perched beside her husband." We're new to these characters and there are three of them, so it just makes the scene a little clearer. I would also suggest "what a sweet young lady" rather than "seems like a sweet young lady," as Mr. McGregor seems to be completely taken in by Alicia.
ReplyDeleteI think you really have the voice there. Sounds like my kids. Especially the "What a fake." I agree with Cathleen's comments but if he is into football I would keep the first sentence cause I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a little taken out of the scene (seemed to lose its flow) when you stopped the dialogue and started stating everything. Maybe he can be thinking "Alicia Swanson. She's been a thorn in my side since the first second I laid eyes on her (except put it in 3rd person and maybe find something other than thorn in my side because that is cliche too).
I like your style of writing.
I think you really have the voice there. Sounds like my kids. Especially the "What a fake." I agree with Cathleen's comments but if he is into football I would keep the first sentence cause I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI did feel a little taken out of the scene (seemed to lose its flow) when you stopped the dialogue and started stating everything. Maybe he can be thinking "Alicia Swanson. She's been a thorn in my side since the first second I laid eyes on her (except put it in 3rd person and maybe find something other than thorn in my side because that is cliche too).
I like your style of writing.
Agreed on voice. Feels authentic to me. The complete annoyance with this girl is believable too. I like the churning in your gut that we can all relate to. There were a couple lines commenters have noted above that threw me. I didn't think you needed the older folks referring to her as sweet twice. We get it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we get to know what he could WIN from the contest comes soon, but I'd like it right up front. That way we know what's at stake. Give these first few paragraphs more punch for us to worry about for the MC.
Nice work.
Regarding your logline, the premise is fascinating, but I was confused about identities. Is the “middle school nemesis” also the girl he must save? Or are those two separate people? (After reading your 250, I believe I know the answer, but for the sake of your hook’s clarity I thought it worth mentioning.)
ReplyDeleteYou might want to consider changing Mr. and Mrs. McGregor’s last name. As soon as I read that I was in Beatrix Potter mode.
I love your premise! I’m a sucker for eccentric elderly characters, so any story that includes them makes me smile.
I wonder if it would work better to start off showing Alicia selling the tickets at the retirement community so we can see her in action for ourselves. That way you would rope the reader into identifying with her and then we’d live through the same feeling of betrayal when we get into Ellis’s head. Just a thought.
As far as voice goes, I think you did an excellent job. This feels right for upper MG. And I like the tension of a boy being bested by a girl. The battle of the sexes always makes for a fun read. Well done!