TITLE: Two Plus One
GENRE: MG - Realistic Fiction
When a cool new kid inserts himself right in the middle of Samantha and David’s best friendship, the two seventh graders learn how easy it is to hurt a friend, and how hard it can be to own up to what you’ve done, or what’s been done to you.
I’m doing Shrinky Dinks with Allie when the doorbell rings and Mom shouts from upstairs, “Answer that. It’s probably Luke,” even though she’s the one who set up this Meet the New Kid date, and ruined my last winter vacation Saturday.
It would be so much easier if she would just come downstairs, open the door and do a Mom thing, with cookies and “let me introduce you to my son, David, who’s in seventh grade too.” But no. I push my Shrinky Dinks over to Allie’s side of the table and turn on the TV to ESPN so it will look like I’ve been watching sports, not dorking out doing arts and crafts with my little sister.
I open the front door, and think: twelve minutes. Because that’s how long Luke Sullivan will be my friend.
He’s already started his growth spurt, and has hair on his upper lip, enough to maybe even shave, plus some kind of sideburn action happening. Me? Think pale ginger. The Pillsbury Dough Boy with a curly carrot top -- except I do not giggle when people poke my belly. Oh, yeah, and freckles. Lots of freckles. I’m rocking the freckles.
The only person who would ever think that I have anything in common with Luke Sullivan is my mother.
“Hey,” he says. “Thanks for having me over.”
“Come on in,” I say, thinking that he is one of those guys who will have every girl in school writing his name in stupid cursive with hearts around it.
I think this is a great opening scene and love the MC's voice right off the bat--flipping the TV to ESPN so it does not look like he's playing with his little sister feels pitch perfect. As does the calculation that they're going to be friends for precisely twelve minutes. I think this captures the self-awareness and self-consciousness of an older middle schooler so well.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the intention here is to comment on the pitch part, as well, but I think the opening page is so much more vibrant than the pitch (possibly from your query?). Instead of "cool, new kid", for example, maybe "nearly-shaving Luke" by way of introducing the antagonist (even though I'm already rooting for him, after page one).
I missed the entry window on this contest, but am also writing realistic upper-MG and this one resonated with me. Again, not sure if this is "allowed" but I think our style could be a nice match if you're looking for a beta reader or CP...
Thank you for your super helpful feedback! I stink at log lines and query letter. I would love to trade novels.
DeleteBased on the blog link through your profile, I think I've found you on Twitter. I'll message you about connecting!
DeleteThis older-MG voice rings so true to me. Using 1st person POV was a good choice in bringing this to life, and I love the telling details that point to a very self-aware and intelligent kid (changing TV channel, wishing his mom would do the mom thing, his self-description etc.)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the commentor above about the first page shining much more than the logline. Of course, in a query, you'll get more than fifty words, but you might want to see if you can bring some more voice to your pitch as well.
A best friendship... the logline hooked me. 1st person works because you seem to be in the POV's head. And switching the TV to ESPN is perfect. It shows how a young man still wants to play with his little sister but life demands more manly pursuits. My husband still does that! I would read more!
ReplyDeleteawells
ReplyDeleteLove the voice, and I think you did a great job on the logline, as well, given the word count constraint. I do wonder if "enough to maybe even shave" may read as too old? But your story problem seems perfect for the MG audience.
The Shrinky Dinks are what caught my interest...such a quirky thing, who can't help but chuckle. That aside, I loved the position that the MC is in, and how honestly he assessed the situation (thinking he was totally out of the new kid's league and how his mother was blind to that). I'm intrigued, especially because the logline told us that the two boys DO become friends. Hmmmmmmm....
ReplyDeleteThe Shrinky Dinks are what caught my interest...such a quirky thing, who can't help but chuckle. That aside, I loved the position that the MC is in, and how honestly he assessed the situation (thinking he was totally out of the new kid's league and how his mother was blind to that). I'm intrigued, especially because the logline told us that the two boys DO become friends. Hmmmmmmm....
ReplyDeleteI really like this set up. The voice is spot-on. I was so pleasantly surprised when Luke leads off with a polite thank you! That has me hooked. I want to keep reading to see if Luke is going to be a great kid and friend to the MC or if he is a Eddie Haskell character - greasy and insincere.
ReplyDeleteI think you "get" the middle grade reader.Nice Job!!