TITLE: Mikravim Empire
GENRE: MG - Adventure
Danny bites off more than he can chew when he tries to get to the bottom of a secret world his father is involved in.
My dad drew a picture of someone breaking into our apartment as someone broke into our apartment.
I put my book down once I heard the front door open. Dad and I had lived in our little apartment on the north side of Chicago my entire life, all twelve years of it. We never had a break in before. I thought with that kind of a track record, we would be safe for life.
Don’t jump to conclusions, Danny, I told myself. That was a Dad-ism. He would want me to think through the evidence before I made up my mind.
Dad was in his study, drawing. It was his job. He worked with the Chicago Police Department creating those artist renderings of unknown criminals they post on the news. I knew he wouldn’t leave the apartment in the middle of work, not without saying something to me first.
I also knew we didn’t tend to get visitors this late at night. Even if there was an on-going, high-priority case, a guest would have needed to buzz just to be let into the building. The front door was always locked. There was no other way around it. Our apartment was being burglarized.
The smart thing would have been to turn off my lamp and hide. Dad always told me not to be a hero and do something stupid that would get me killed. Typical protective Dad stuff. I didn’t disobey him to be heroic. Something else compelled me to get up and peek out from my bedroom doorway. Mainly disbelief.
I found the first line of the submission very intriguing. Unfortunately you sort of lost me after that - there seemed to be a flow to the scene that wasn't happening for me. Maybe it's a 'tense' thing. Or perhaps it is that the immediacy of the break-in is then stalled as you discuss other things; from the setting to his dad's job and the like. I think perhaps if you focus on the break-in only the other details can come out a bit later. also unless the logline is hinting at a 'chewing' or 'food' theme it is too much of a cliché to be affective. Again that first line though - if you can let that guide you - this scene could really work. Thanks for the read
ReplyDeleteThe first line of your piece is so compelling, but then you back away from it, and give an awful lot of what feels like backstory. And the story that follows from the first line doesn't seem to pair up with the first line, and is at points confusing. How does Danny know that his dad is drawing a picture of the break-in as it happens if he's not with his father? And why has his father disappeared, and how does Danny know it, if he's in his bedroom and his dad is/was working in his study? Also, the log line doesn't tell enough of the arc of the story and relies on cliches - "Bites off more than he can chew" and "get to the bottom of."
ReplyDeleteYou end your logline with a weak preposition. End on a strong phrase, like '... bottom of his father's secret world.'
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other two comments. It's close to being a good hook, but into the emotion of the motion not the reasoning.
That last bit was supposed to read 'get into the emotion of the moment, not the reasoning'
DeleteOops
Your story has an interesting and fresh premise. Love the dad being an artist for the police department!
ReplyDeleteI basically agree with the previous comments. I think you can shorten this - get the reader into the story sooner.
I also agree with the logline comments - no cliches allowed! Gives us the challenges and the stakes.
Titles - Titles that have a strange word can be a challenge because the word doesn't mean anything to the reader. We don't know from the writing sample what the Mikravin Empire is - ants, or T-rexs, from outer space. A more reader-friendly choice in the title might be a better hook.
The story is interesting - keep working!
The premise is compelling, drawing the reader in. I also like the fact that the dad is a sketch artist - can't say I've read any book with a character having that job! I hope that as the plot plays out that Dad's job is a key point.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the opening scene itself is hard to stick with. Put us IN the scene and show us what is happening and what your MC is feeling (in a fairly linear way - as it is things jump back and forth). Give us something to hook our teeth into...once you hook us you can later sprinkle in the backstory.
The premise is compelling, drawing the reader in. I also like the fact that the dad is a sketch artist - can't say I've read any book with a character having that job! I hope that as the plot plays out that Dad's job is a key point.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the opening scene itself is hard to stick with. Put us IN the scene and show us what is happening and what your MC is feeling (in a fairly linear way - as it is things jump back and forth). Give us something to hook our teeth into...once you hook us you can later sprinkle in the backstory.
I think that opening with a break-in is a strong lead, but it seems like the MC is more analytical than at all scared. I would at least like to know that his heart is pounding.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, but truth be told, I would be unlikely to pick a book with that title. It doesn't tell me anything about what will happen. I think your premise and writing are better than your title.
Nice work!