TITLE: Picket Town
GENRE: MG - Science Fiction
When adventuresome Amanda discovers a spaceship near her house, she secretly witnesses all the adults in town—including her parents—fly out of it, forcing her to alert the authorities before the alien-imposters conquer Earth.
Mr. Garrison strode to the front of the class, placed his briefcase on his desk, and drilled everyone with a gaze way more piercing than usual. I shivered at my desk in the third row, a layer of ice sprouting on my spine.
I knew that look. He had news, all right. Big news. And I was pretty sure I already knew what it was.
"Good morning, everyone," he said in his calm, smooth voice. Kind of ironic considering how intense his face looked, though he always talked like that no matter what mood he was in. His tall, thin figure leaned over the class like a narrow tsunami about to crash on it.
“’Morning,” a couple kids said. Others just grunted.
Mr. Garrison adjusted his thick-framed glasses on his nose. “Before we begin, I would like to announce that Zack Goldman has come down with the purple circle, and, therefore, has been transferred to Sedgwick Hospital for treatment.”
Yep. Just as I’d thought. A series of chills rippled through my body, a numb feeling settling deep inside me. Coldness sifted into my stomach and threatened to spread to my other internal organs.
Not that Mr. Garrison’s news was all that much of a surprise, though. Zack had been coughing and sniffling ever since homeroom. And his symptoms kept getting worse. By lunch his face even looked like it belonged in a wax museum, his eyes all red and puffy.
Yeah, he’d definitely been coming down with something.
Yay, more aliens!
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple things that tripped me up. In the logline, she witnesses all the adults fly out of a spaceship but thinks the authorities (a bit adult sounding) are safe to contact?
I love the layer of ice sprouting on her spine! But there were a few words that sounded a bit adult to me - strode, internal organs (maybe pick one that's funny like spleen!), piercing. It may not be so much that the words are too old for the mc, but that there's too much description. Probably don't need chills, numb feeling, and coldness sifted all in one paragraph.
But fun setup!
Yay, more aliens!
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple things that tripped me up. In the logline, she witnesses all the adults fly out of a spaceship but thinks the authorities (a bit adult sounding) are safe to contact?
I love the layer of ice sprouting on her spine! But there were a few words that sounded a bit adult to me - strode, internal organs (maybe pick one that's funny like spleen!), piercing. It may not be so much that the words are too old for the mc, but that there's too much description. Probably don't need chills, numb feeling, and coldness sifted all in one paragraph.
But fun setup!
I was thrown off about the line of the parents flying out of the spaceship. I don't have a clue what a purple circle is and it threw me out of the story. I was expecting this to be contemporary at the start and layer in the sci fi when she finds the spaceship but the mention of the purple circle makes me think otherwise. Your descriptions are great. Especially the spine line.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see more MG sci-fi with space/aliens...Love it! But I agree with the others, I'm thrown off by the parents in the logline and how alerting the authorities (who seem like they're also probably parents) would help Amanda save the world from alien conquest. The alien conquest, however, feels like a fun and action-filled storyline.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with a few words standing out as too adultish for MG (strode, narrow tsunami, internal organs, piercing) and I think the multiple mentions of how cold she is from the news about the purple circle is a bit too much. We don't know what the big deal is, so once you've shown us it's a big deal with her reaction, give us just a little bit more about WHY it's a big deal--is she in danger of catching it because she shared his PB&J last week? Has someone she loves already succumbed to the dread disease? Just a few hints (besides the cold references) to show us why we should be worried about this development--and how it affects your heroine--will help draw the reader in and make us care about MC and about the purple circle...
Seriously fun concept though--best of luck!
--Julie (#40)
Wow this is a unique twist on alien invasions. I really like the setup of you story and it helps highlight your voice, but I can't help but wonder if it might be even more powerful to start with Zack's purple circle (great name by the way) attack and really show the reader what is happening rather than have it explained to the main character. That way we get to know Amanda more as she reacts to what happened to Zack. It makes connecting with her easier.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the luck as you continue on with your project. It sounds like a fun story
Jamie - Entry #35