TITLE: The Legacy Project
GENRE: MG Contemporary
All May wants is to win the sixth grade Legacy Project and use the prize money to buy her dream telescope. But that seems impossible when her subject, the most ordinary man in town, 100-year-old Mr. Bailey, dies after one interview. But when May finds a note in his pocket at the funeral, she discovers that maybe he isn’t so boring after all.
I like the opening hook, but I feel we're not getting the stakes. Also, you begin the 2nd and 3rd sentences with 'but'. I'd change one of them. Maybe say, 'But when her subject, Mr. Bailey dies after one interview, all hope seems lost. Until she finds a note in his pocket at his funeral, hinting at a fascinating life lived. (Or something like that.)
ReplyDeleteLove the suggestions offered above (and I agree that stakes need to be raised and addressed.) Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteCut 'All' MG protagonist want clear and presented fast, and then we tumble into mystery that doesn't seem related. Go to 'Her project idea? Inter...' but not clear why she thinks an interview with an ordinary man will win a contest. Go back and ground me in what is the plan.
ReplyDeleteI can see the potential in this pitch. It starts off great. I know what May wants. I assume her project was to interview Mr. Bailey and she found him booooorrring. How very MG. Ha ha. But then it sounds like she digs through a dead man’s pockets at his funeral. Which borders on creepy. Unless the pocket isn’t in what he’s wearing? I’m sure this was unintentional. So, assuming the girl isn’t a pick pocket or a grave digger, she finds a note which leads her to believe there may be a story to pursue after all. Great! But what will she have to do to uncover the story since she can’t interview the man? This would be the challenge or obstacle that makes getting the prize money difficult. Even just a small hint is all you need. Sounds like a fun story about old people being NOT so boring afterall.
ReplyDeleteI think this has great potential but it needs to be elevated. I feel like it's missing more of an emotional stake. Other than learning he wasn't boring, what else does she learn along the way? Why did she pick Mr. Bailey if she thought he was so boring? She wanted to win so why would she pick a boring subject? The last sentence should say he "wasn't" so boring after all.
ReplyDeleteThis pitch is almost pitch perfect but could use a touch more irony. I had to infer from "Legacy" that you meant "historical." Why not say "Living History Project"? That way, when he's dies, it's more ironic. Then drop the added complications that he was the oldest living man in town and also boring because that doesn't add anything to the pitch. He was Living History when he was living but now her chances of winning the telescope are dead, just like Mr. X, etc. Then, it would be fun if you brought the idea of the telescope back in the finish, e.g. "until she finds a cryptic note in his jacket that brings success back into focus," or some other telescope-y, optics phrasing. Good luck!
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