TITLE: All the Time in the World
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Seventeen-year-old Derek has only two goals in life: play major league baseball and marry his best friend, Corinne. When a spacetime glitch pulls his future kids into the present, he learns he didn’t marry Corinne, but his abrasive, STEM rival, Michelle. Now forced to play house with a girl he hates, Derek slowly grows more attached his imperfect family, prompting him to choose between the life he envisioned and the life he never saw coming.
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ReplyDeleteSorry, my comment published twice and then I messed up removing it. What I said was that I love this and want to read it now! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the kind words!
DeleteI really like this pitch. My one question is why does he suddenly need to 'play house' with Michelle? Does he feel like he HAS to ask her out? Playing house makes it sound like these two seventeen-year-olds are suddenly living together for reasons.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment! I was trying to be cute with the "playing house" theme, but I like your point better. I'll use different language next time. :)
DeleteI was also confused by the forced to play house bit. I thought maybe Derek was in the future, but no, the kids came back in time. Are they really young, so they need mom and dad? That might explain why he has to pretend with Michelle when he’s only 17. If so, add that clarification. If not and I’m way off base, maybe indicate why he has to pretend with Michelle.
ReplyDeleteI love the ending emotional lesson. It sounds heart warming.
Hi Bonnie! Thanks for commenting! Yeah, it seems my desire to be cute with the "playing house" theme only added confusion, so I'll definitely rephrase for future use. And no, you're not off base at all. You're right on the money. The kids are young children with no means of getting home, so Derek and Michelle have to essentially "play mom and dad" until the children can be sent back. Thus, "playing house". It's hard to cram all that into 75 words lol.
DeleteThank you again!
I like the pitch...it seems sort of on the long side. I think you could take out the fact that he has to "forced to play house with the girl he hates" unless it is important to the story. Leave in the last part about having to decide which future he wants though. Also there are a few grammatical errors. Good luck with this. Sounds like a really interesting story.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments! I could rephrase that line, but the fact that Derek and Michelle don't get along is extremely important to the plot. It's supposed to set up Derek's dilemma: "Would you rather have a happy marriage with your soulmate, or (possibly) be stuck in an unhappy marriage but conceive the two children you're falling in love with?"
DeleteAlso, grammatical errors? Could you show me where? I can't see them anymore. :(
The story has a Back to the Future kind of vibe, which I like.
ReplyDeleteThis is a strong pitch as is, but it could use some tightening:
Why is it important to use the STEM description for Michelle? Is Derek into STEM as well? You set up that baseball is important to him so it's surprising to know he has a STEM rival and then there's no further mention of what happens with his baseball dream. I agree with other commenters about taking out the "playing house" part. Why wouldn't his parents parent the orphaned children? Why does 17yo Michelle willingly do this? Is she in on the spacetime glitch? It doesn't sound like it. The last sentence has the grammatical error previously mentioned-it's missing a word.
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