TITLE: The Seven Strings
GENRE: YA Fantasy
To free her sister from a Traitor’s prison, sixteen-year-old Eva must free herself first—by taking back her soul.
In a brutal experiment, her captors rip her soul out using a sinister black knife.
She learns she must destroy the black knife and get her soul back before she can return to her sister, but she doesn’t know where to look or how to do it, and if she fails, she’ll be lost forever, disappearing into nothingness.
I love the title, it intrigues me. I would have liked the blurb to explain the title more. What's a "traitor's prison"? I sense there is something important here in the name. She lost her soul, but is she in her soul or just in her body? I found this confusing. I like the stakes: losing herself. I don't think the sister is important yet, so just maybe losing herself could be elaborated upon. Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteIntro: To free her sister from Traitor’s Prison, sixteen-year-old Eva must free herself—by taking back her soul. Edited... but then the rest falls apart. Why was sister taken? How does the knife bit relate to sister? Since of timeline for the MC's event happening?
ReplyDeleteAnd I adore the title, but how does it relate?
DeleteAs someone having a twin sister I'm a sucker for sister characters. I like Eva's desperate need to free her sister. I felt there was some repetition in the pitch that could be consolidated so that you could add some things that are missing.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, you could name the captors so we know something about them. And perhaps there's a way to connect the title to your pitch. I don't know if it's proper but I kind of used your exact words and rearranged them so you could see what I mean. I hope you don't mind that I did that.
Edit: Sixteen-year-old Eva, must destroy the sinister black knife of her captors the _________, to retrieve her soul they ripped from her in a brutal experiment. Only then can she free her sister from a Traitor’s prison. But she doesn’t know where to look or how to do it, and if she fails, she’ll be lost forever, disappearing into nothingness. And so will her sister.
You might be able to lose the word 'sinister' as you already describe it by calling it a black knife which is sinister in itself - not to mention ripping out her soul tells us a lot about how sinister the captors are.
Intriguing. "Sinister" black knife? That makes it sound like it has its own mind. Does it?
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds interesting in parts. The first line is definitely intriguing. I would combine the first and second lines into a clever rewrite. Discard most or all of the last part. The pitch is a taste of the story - not the entire meal. Tease the reader with awesome details but not every detail. And also remember to be as clear as possible. Right now, I'm assuming the person that gets their soul ripped out was the sister. But I could be wrong. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIs Traitor supposed to be capitalized? If it's a fantasy word, it's easier to avoid fantasy terms in a short pitch. Otherwise, very intriguing premise!
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