TITLE: The Unchosen
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
With her memories gone, all Fia wants to do is survive on Earth when an old lover arrives in town and pulls her away into a world of magic where boats can fly, people can throw fire, and almost everyone wants her dead.
I'm left with a lot of why's with this one. Not in a good way. Ground the agent or editor. You've got little time. Make it count. Reads like the middle of a longer pitch. Why lose her memories? Why do they want her dead? But first, why will I care? Hit that in a pitch. Hang in there! A pitch can't be a fantasy world building explaination. That is set decoration. You need to give the hesrtline plot. Make sense?
ReplyDeleteAhhhgh. Heartline of course!
DeleteYou have room for more in this pitch. This is an interesting set up, but what will drive the story? A woman with no memories goes to a fantasy land with an old lover. People/creatures? want her dead. So, what does she do about it? I can imagine her struggle, since she won’t know why anything is happening, but I don’t know from this what abilities she has to figure things out. This is the fun of a 75 word pitch. Adding that extra twist or tidbit of character or world that hooks the reader. Does she have magic or not? Both indicate how she might have to cope. Does the boyfriend help/hinder/frustrate? Ha ha. All sorts of possibilities. Is it more like a Bourne Identity thriller or a comical romantic mystery?
ReplyDeleteI agree that there should be more emphasis on plot. A big problem is this is one long sentence. It should be at least three sentences. Try looking at the back covers of paperbacks to get a sense of what works.
ReplyDeleteI agree we need more, Something like she must X but will she be able to Y? after she enters this real world
ReplyDeleteAlthough the pitch seems incomplete, it grabbed my interest enough for me to comment, which mean it's enough for me to like the premise. I’d also like a quick insight into Fia. How did she lose her memory? What’s her impression of the magical world? Does it confuse her? Does she think she's going crazy? Also, I’d like a hint as to what’s happened that everyone wants her dead. I suspect that's at the core of the story, right?
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