Thursday, January 12, 2012

Drop the Needle #6

TITLE: Geekomancy
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

(removed by request)


  1. I thought "Dork Lord" was a typo at first, and then it clicked. *grin*

    I think the emotion and internalizations were good, but the dialogue had me reading and rereading to understand it. Ree, especially, doesn't speak very clearly. Not sure if this is characterization, but even if she's supposed to be like that, it needs to be a little smoother. I'd also take out the phrase "full-on-punched," leaving "Not slapped" as it's own sentence. This will give the next line a little more oomph, and you're not saying "punched" a third time in three sentences.

    Interesting premise.

  2. This is hysterical. Like National Lampoon giggly.
    I think I missed the import of Eastwood's wrongdoing because Ree's accusations seemed lengthy. Maybe
    separating each transgression with an admission would make it blatant:
    "You knew they were happening etc."
    "You came in like some cowardly etc."
    "And now you're willing etc."
    And then, bam, she punches him.
    PLEASE tell me they wear capes at least in one scene. Please?

  3. I really liked the character's voice. This sounds like it'd be a very fun read. And I liked her reaction. Very believable.

    The only thing I'd drop would be the "completely and irrevocably." at the end of the first paragraph. I don't think that's needed.

  4. With this lead-in, I sort of expected the excerpt to be more tongue-in-cheek. For example, instead of talking about how Ree used her Tae Kwon Do skills to punch him in the nose, it would fit the in-jokey premise to use something totally unrelated, instead.

    I also agree with Kirsten that timing is hugely important for the humor here, if humor is what you're going for. Even if it isn't, a quirky premise like this demands a quirky voice. You're close, with the too-lengthy definitions in places, but it could be tweaked.

  5. This is my first thought when I read "completely and irrevocably" => "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him" - Bella, Twilight

    It's a very teen-angsty thing to say, which blurs your genre. You say this is Urban Fantasy, but it really seems to be about teen-type characters (plus the reference to teen-virginn). Inclusion or removal depends on where your story really fits, genre wise.

    The use of "teen-virgin suicides" will probably get you an instant decline from agents and publishers. The traditional agents/publishers I follow indicate they try to avoid topics like this one (even tongue-in-cheek humor, I suppose.)

    Consider by comparison:
    "I have to bring him the souls of five broken-hearted virgin suicides before the full moon on All Hallow's Eve or I'll never get her back."
    "I have to bring him the souls of five, broken-hearted, virgin suicides, before the full moon on All Hallow's Eve, or I'll never get her back."

    I tend to dislike sentences which require three or more commas because it can confuse the reader. The use of short, declarative sentences does not make the writer simple. If you're going to go for something lengthier, you must punctuate to help the reader with rhythm and meaning.

    The addition of "broken-hearted" is (in grammar) considered a non-essential element to the sentence (even though it's quite essential to the type of virgin required by the Dork Lord). The clause regarding the full moon is dependent upon the first clause about the needed souls. The last clause is an independent clause that is appropriately tied to the preceding clauses. It just needs better punctuation.

    Also compare:
    "You came in like some cowardly hyena ghoul jackass and you took their souls to pawn off to get one woman back who probably got herself into the damn mess and now you're willing to trade five deaths for one life?"
    "You came in, like some cowardly hyena, ghoul, jackass, and you took their souls, to pawn off-- to get one woman back, who probably got herself into the damn mess, and now you're willing to trade five deaths for one life?"

    I agree with most of the other comments here. I especially like Kirsten's suggestion of breaking up the transgressions to build tension before the punching. This is funny/hilarious in concept, and I love the voice, but it needs some polish. Best wishes.

  6. I was into this until I got to the part about "Not slapped, full-on-punched." It pulled me out of the narrative, as did the next sentence.

    The final paragraph has some clunkiness to it that could be smoothed out.

    Good action, and I'd be tempted to read more.