Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Public Slushpile #22

TITLE: Vis Decor: Alphi
GENRE: Epic Fantasy

In an underwater village, the only thing missing is justice. No one supports the dark-skinned Greys except seventeen-year-old Pure, Alphi McClure—and her call of equality is about to set tempers ablaze.

Once the villagers attack Alphi for her beliefs, she flees to her uncles’ city in the hope for refuge. The place is teeming with life, and Alphi’s heart soars --a big city means big ideas, there can’t be any age-old racism here. But when her uncle brutally tortures a Grey, he pushes Alphi aside, and she can do nothing but watch --until the Grey rebels attack her own family. And when they do, she joins them.

Her uncles’ enemies become her true family, and the rebels’ base her true home. This should be her dream. Yet when war is declared, Alphi’s rash decision to join the rebels comes back to haunt her. The two sides hunger for blood, and deciding which family to kill will leave Alphi torn apart. The war with the rebels is nothing compared to the war with herself, and unless she picks a side, both will only end in death.

49 comments:

Jennifer said...

No.

I don't get a good sense of the story or the main character. I need some concrete details, the language is too vague, to draw my interest.

A Little Push said...

NO. I didn't identify enough with Alphi.

Durango Writer said...

No. Confusing language; misuse of apostrophe on uncle.

Elizabeth Light said...

No. There were a few grammatical errors and cliches (heart soars) the use of world-building vocabulary (Pure, Grey) made things a little muddy for me.

Loralie Hall said...

No. So close, but it took me too long to get a sense of if Alphi was a Grey and the closing sentence muddled the consequences.

EmilyaNaymark said...

No. This has potential but the query is lacking good structure.

Nicole said...

No. I like the idea of this, but I don't get a good enough sense of the big picture to say yes.

Michael Tate said...

No. Not sure what side everybody is on and I don't really see how this is epic.

Jean Davis said...

No. Intesting idea but too many grammatical errors and a lack of clarity.

Adam Heine said...

YES. I'm fuzzy on some of the world details, but I'm intrigued by Alphi's choices and the stakes.

Rick said...

No. It would be an agonizing, pain-staking decision to betray your own family; this makes it sound like flipping a switch. You need to sell me on a plot point as dramatic and central to your conflict as this.

Lanette said...

No. I don't get a sense of who the Greys are, what their beliefs are, or why they are prejudiced against.

Rachel Menard said...

No. The concept seems interesting, but I need more to be hooked. Why does Alphi support the Greys? Why does everyone else hate them? What is a Pure? I understand the consequences, but this lacks motivation.

Em said...

No. The story sounds interesting, but I am not hooked. I agree that it lacks motivation.

Patti said...

No, the beginning confused me. I thought her name was Pure at first, maybe put "except a seventeen-year-old, Pure." I agree with others that I need to know why Alphi sympathizes with the Greys. Is she in love with one?

Angela said...

No. I didn't get a good feel for the story or the voice and found my mind drifting after the first paragraph

Lori M. Lee said...

No. I get no sense of the world, and the things you presented are too vague and, as a result, unoriginal .

Tina Moss said...

NO, I don't know enough about Alphi to connect with her and the cliches distracted me.

Sarah Ahiers said...

NO
It was too vague for me. I didn't connect with either the MC, the plot, or the world.

A.C. Turcotte said...

No. I don't think the world building was clear enough, and there are some grammar issues that make me wary of the manuscript.

Holly Bodger said...

No. Nothing unique enough in this journey to intrigue me.

Krista V. said...

No. The query almost moved too quickly for me; I wanted less plot and more Alphi.

John Wiswell said...

No. No sense of why characters take their sides, particularly the uncle, and the racial conflict is too bald to interest me.

Jen said...

NO. While I have sympathy with the premise, it seems too heavy on the abstract politics and too light on the protagonist's character.

Amber said...

Yes. I thought this was a new twist on an age-old issue.

Stephanie G said...

No. I don't get a strong enough idea of who the Greys are and what exactly is at stake.

Megan C. said...

No. You might start with defining what Greys are. It could be a good story, but I can't make a real decision without more details.

Leah Petersen said...

No.

The first sentence made no sense to me, and "justice" is way too vague a term. The rest didn't redeem it even though it did give a better picture of the world. And I was totally thrown in the end by the fact that she was deciding who to kill?

Heather said...

No.

There were too many grammar issues, and I couldn't get a clear feeling for the world or a unique conflict.

Rena said...

No.

I had a hard time figuring things out from the query, and I'd hate to read a book that felt as up in the air as the query.

Amelia Loken said...

Yes. I liked the idea of racism, the fight for equality, and a inner battle of priorities/loyalties played out in an underwater realm.

Mary Vettel said...

No. I wasn't drawn in to the MC and her underwater world. And when she flees to her uncle's (not uncles' unless it's plural uncles) city is that underwater as well?

Anonymous said...

No, I completely agree with all the other naysayers. There's just to much jumping around, no focus on Alphi or her real plight. What moves this story forward?

SMKrafty said...

Yes- but reluctantly- the premise is good but the focus to grab me is buried in a weak description.

Aldrea Alien said...

No. The vagueness in this just doesn't grab me.

Dale said...

No. Too many grammatical and punctuation errors.

Mia K Rose said...

No. Remove words like 'about to', to make the query punchy, and needs tighter focus on Alphi.

S L Jenan said...

NO, 'teeming with life', 'heart soars', 'comes back to haunt her', 'hunger for blood', 'war with herself'.

MittensMorgul said...

No.

I don't feel any connection to Alphi. I had to read the first paragraph three times to understand her name wasn't Pure. I still don't understand what's at stake, or why.

Lisa said...

No. I was interested by the idea of an underwater world and the idea that she has to fight against her family, but the query wasn't tight and I got confused. I'd also like to know what a Grey is and to connect with your character somehow.

Huntress said...

No. I feel this is lacking Voice and purpose.

macaronipants said...

No. There is nothing new here.

Beth H said...

Yes. I want to know about this underwater world. The query could be stronger, but I sympathize with how hard it is to set up a complicated fantasy world in just a couple of sentences.

Staci Krause said...

No. The query doesn't grab my attention and excite me to want to read the book.

CM said...

No. Too complicated + grammatical errors which make me think the novel will be a trial to read.

sarahwedgbrow said...

No. While I really liked the "race" aspect, I don't have a good sense of what this story is about.

Lindsay Kitson said...

No - I like the premise, but the idea that choosing a side is going to be more terrible than all out war seems implausible to me, and makes me wonder about the main character's development.

callmebecks said...

No. The premise and conflict are potentially intriguing, but the letter is confusing, especially where it jumps in and uses world lingo (Greys, Pures) without me having any idea what that signifies.

BuffySquirrel said...

No, because I don't feel engaged with the conflict.