TITLE: In Darkness Reborn
GENRE: Futuristic Romance
The Anatta left her alone to watch Jaxon die. A suffocating sensation tightened her throat, making it difficult to swallow. Morena leaned against her ward's bedside, her legs shaking with the effort to stay upright. She stroked his hot cheek, sliding her fingertips through the damp, copper hair lying in limp strands on his moist skin. He moaned, his head moving from side to side. Agony etched deep lines into his skin, giving his young features the illusion of old age.
He wouldn't last much longer. His pain-filled wails, soft now, came farther and farther apart. Each ragged inhale and choked exhale drew him from her. Her own breath caught within her chest. When he died, she'd have failed to keep her promise. Failed to do her duty.
And you'll be alone.
She shuddered at the reminder she couldn't escape and pulled her hand back. Folding her arms about her waist, she held tight and rocked. Anguish squeezed her heart. Unable to watch his torture, she closed her eyes. He made a slight gasp and, for a brief moment, silence hung in the room.
A tiny noise, a whisper of silk brushing against stone, grabbed her attention. Her eyes snapped open and she pivoted. Her gaze swept around the room. Faint light from two luminas cast numerous shadows on the smooth, granite walls of the large chamber. Flickering darkness mocked her attempts to see the secrets hidden within.
Some great description, but also some confusion.
ReplyDeleteWho'll be alone?
Who is/are The Anatta?
Think there needs to be a bit more world-building before we're thrust into a death.
What torture?
I feel the anguish, grief, the loss. I know that a young man is dying, but I don't know why. That's okay for me. I am curious to read on and find out. Plus, I'm intrigued by whatever was scary enough to pull her away from the gripping scene. Yep, I'd read on. Super decription.
ReplyDelete#24,
ReplyDeleteI wasn’t hooked. The only thing good about this was the first line. The rest you need to tighten. Get to the action as soon as possible.
Good luck.
TITLE: In Darkness Reborn
GENRE: Futuristic Romance
The Anatta left her alone to watch Jaxon die. [Strong first line.] A suffocating sensation tightened her throat, making it difficult to swallow. [Cliche line.] Morena leaned against her ward's bedside, her legs shaking with the effort to stay upright. She stroked his hot cheek, sliding her fingertips through the damp, copper hair lying in limp strands on his moist skin. He moaned, his head moving from side to side. [You’re showing instead of telling, which is good.] Agony etched deep lines into his skin, giving his young features the illusion of old age. [Good description.]
He wouldn't last much longer. His pain-filled wails, soft now, came farther and farther apart. Each ragged inhale and choked exhale drew him from her. Her own breath caught within her chest. When he died, she'd have failed to keep her promise. Failed to do her duty.
And you'll be alone. [Is this switching to second person? Or was this supposed to be her thought?]
She shuddered at the reminder she couldn't escape and pulled her hand back. Folding her arms about her waist, she held tight and rocked. Anguish squeezed her heart. [You’re repeating this physical reactions too much.] Unable to watch his torture, she closed her eyes. He made a slight gasp and, for a brief moment, silence hung in the room.
A tiny noise, a whisper of silk brushing against stone, grabbed her attention. Her eyes snapped open and she pivoted. Her gaze swept around the room. Faint light from two luminas cast numerous shadows on the smooth, granite walls of the large chamber. Flickering darkness mocked her attempts to see the secrets hidden within. [You’re beating around the bush. Get to the action.]
I agree with Woods in that this could be tightened up and still as evocative.
ReplyDeleteFor example, the cliched line that Woods mentioned:
A suffocating sensation tightened her throat, making it difficult to swallow.
Why not:
Her throat tightened.
OR
A noose of panic tightened around her neck.
You need an attribution after "You'll be alone," she thought.
You might want to think the barrage of adjectives and think of other creative ways to get those images across:
damp, moist, limp, ragged
Also, I don't think of darkness as flickering.
You might not need to mention the Anatta in the first line (or first paragraphs) since it could pop your reader. Just let us know she's been tasked with watching someone she cares about die -- and she thinks it's her fault.
I think you have a lot of words here that say very little. As mentioned already, much of this could be cut down considerably. Cut the adverbs and adjectives and choose better, more pecise, verbs.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems a bit melodramatic on Morena's part with all her shuddering and breathing and squeezing and rocking.
When I reached the end, I wanted to know why. Why is she there? Why is Jaxson dying? Why do the Anatta want her to watch him die? Is it a punishment of some sort?
In the end, all I know is that Jaxson is dying and she's saddened by it. Perhaps give us more story and less description.
I'd like less description of her anguish and more imagery that allows me to see it without being told. I love the reaction in the fourth parg, but i think it would be stronger if you cut the lines "Anguish squeezed her heart. Unable to watch his torture," and focus on what the closed eyes and the rocking, because those details are what let us understand her pain.
ReplyDeleteSex and death. Keep'm short. That's my request of all scenes in these two categories. You can tell me that two characters enjoyed some nookie, but don't describe the nookie for me. Same with dying. Just tell me someone died, but please don't make me watch them die. ...Exception: I might be able to abide a death scene if the person dying is someone I've gotten to know and love or hate over the last 300 pages. But this is page one, and I'm here to dig into and commit to someone alive, not dwell in someone's icky expiration. I was so distracted by the anguish (and the general excess of adjectives), I was late to realizing something cool might be happening with afterlife here.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for all the wonderful comments. I've learned I really messed up the setup in this because this isn't supposed to be about someone dying - Jaxon doesn't actually die. In fact, just beyond these 250 pages, like the next paragraph, she meets the peson who can save his life. So, looks like I need to do some serious tightening (including adjectives). Thanks again! These are always helpful.
ReplyDelete