TITLE: The Interim Solution
GENRE: Adult fiction
They parked around the corner on Kimbark Avenue. Nobody parked on 55th since the city put in the meters, except lazy people who wouldn't walk a few steps. Side streets were clear, unless there was something going on in the park.
Karen usually enjoyed this street, but not today as they walked to the new church. She looked toward 53rd and sighed. Her favorite way to spend lunchtime was to walk to Ribs 'n' Bibs, eat at the window counter, and then stroll west to the Ace hardware store.
She loved to spend time there, learning how to fix the fading elements of the house. She had enough tools for basic repairs, but Tom reacted when she suggested they buy more. "Not ladylike, and a waste of money. Take golf lessons, for God's sake. What does it take to get you to follow simple suggestions?"
Karen wondered if she was starting to slip. That's the thing about being crazy. You don't know if you're sliding into hell again, or just having a bad day. Which this was shaping up to be. She'd accepted Tom's devotion to this church; it improved his behavior, but brought other challenges. Each day was more difficult. She hoped to hold on long enough for the prenuptial agreement to hit. Her father was adamant about the agreement, he was right. Tom was not what he seemed, but few people saw through the flawless manners, the natty attire, and the sweet good looks that still thrilled. Occasionally.
I'm sorry, but I'm completely lost here.
ReplyDeleteThe first problem was the beginning. I like that you're trying to give us a clear sense of place, and that you know where things are in relationship to each other. I hate it when I read a book and have no sense of where anything is in relation to anything else. However, you may want to scale it back. Right now, it feels kind of like you're giving directions.
Then the 3rd paragraph was a bit hard to follow for me. She's talking about fixing up an old house, and I'm with you, but then Tom (her husband maybe, but it's not real clear) says three things that don't seem to follow each other. First, he says buying tools to repair the house isn't lady-like. Ok. Don't like Tom, but I get it. But then, he says to talk golf lessons. Golf would be more lady-like? Then, he says the bit about following simple instructions. What instructions? Instructions about being lady-like? About taking golf lessons?
Then we get into the bit about her being crazy. Ok, I'm with you again for a moment, and then she gets into the prenup (which needs to be its own paragraph, by the way). At first, it sounds like she's wanting to stay sane long enough to get money from a prenup, but then there's this bit about her father being behind the prenup, and Tom not being what he seems, which seems like she's the one with money and he's the one getting cash. But then why is she trying to hang on long enough? Because she loves him despite his flaws, maybe? If so, this really, really wasn't clear to me. In fact, it seems she doesn't really like Tom, for good reason.
So, sorry to say, but I'm kind of lost all around. However, I think the prose is clear, so you definitely can write. Just work on the clarity, and you'll have something good, I think. ;-)
This didn't grab me. Your first paragraph and especially your first sentence should set an intriguing tone, but this one fell flat for me.
ReplyDeleteI've seen back story done well on the first page, but it's rare. It's best if you put the back story much further on into the novel and let the story unfold naturally drawing us in with small but intriguing insights.
Another issue was the writing and the woman's thoughts were disjointed. I have no idea what kind of connection there is between hardware stores, sanity, and pre-nups.
One last thing, and I apologize for being so negative, but you have a few comma errors. The good news is that grammar issues are much easier to fix than plot problems.
On the up side, you have done well with capturing your MC's emotional state so that the readers can feel it.
You know what? I think if you moved the last paragraph to the beginning, the whole thing would come alive a little more and at least from what I can see it would all still make sense.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line of the last paragraph. I didn't care about the MC until I read that and now I want to read the whole thing.
Lucy hit on something I didn't think about. Your story actually starts with the last paragraph, so instead of moving it in front of the other ones you have on the first page, just start with that paragraph and continue from there.
ReplyDeleteA great first line:
ReplyDelete"The thing about being crazy is that you don't know if you're sliding into hell again, or just having a bad day."
Now, that would grip me!
I think started at the last paragraph would certainly help, especially if you can clarify the points I mentioned. ;-)
I tend to go against the current. I really liked this and it works for me because it's adult fiction, with a literary feel to it. I love the details of the Ace hardware store, and the parking meters. I think if you read YA etc. as a steady diet, we tend to look for "hooks," up front, but I think in adult fiction you can take a little longer. I'm hooked. I would read further and I think the writing is strong. I want to know about this relationship. Nice!
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening was slow and that, instead of describing the streets, you gave us a bit more of Tom.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind the info about the hardware store because it gives us some insight into who she.
The story became more inriguing when she mentions she is, or was, crazy, and I wanted to know crazy how? Nervous breakdown? Schizo? Paranoid? What? I'd read more to find out.
The prenup was a bit confusing. AT first I imagined Tom was the rich one, but I quickly readjusted when it turned out to be the MC, but then I couldn't figure out what she might be waiting for.
The meat of this though, seems to be in that last parg, and I thought Lucy had a great suggestion of putting it first. And I thought Kyle's suggestion would make a great first line. My thought would be to do as Lanette suggested. Start with parg 4 and go on from there.
It can certainly be tweaked here and there, but the subject matter does pull me in. I'd read more.
Hmmmm. Interesting clash of the starkly profound ("Karen wondered if she was starting to slip. That's the thing about being crazy. You don't know if you're sliding into hell again, or just having a bad day") and the excessively and needlessly detailed ("They parked around the corner on Kimbark Avenue. Nobody parked on 55th since the city put in the meters, except lazy people who wouldn't walk a few steps. Side streets were clear, unless there was something going on in the park"). It's as though the author were both a street cop, guiding traffic with basic comands and statements of fact, and a woman in intense therapy, contemplating her motives and her crime. I wish it were working as a story, but the clash of styles is a bit too unbelievable; I also find myself confused by the order (or lackthereof) of details.
ReplyDeleteThis is my work. Thank you for the helpful comments. You've reinforced my thoughts that my novel would benefit from another round of edits. Off I go :-)
ReplyDelete