TITLE: THE SUBSTITUTE AND THE SUBMISSIVE
GENRE: paranormal romance
The band's performance was raging to a crescendo as I felt around in my bag for the handcuffs.
I hummed with satisfaction when my fingers finally made contact, my mind soothed by the feel of cold metal. I knew the cuffs were in there, but sometimes my compulsions needed to be sated before I made my move.
My ears throbbed from the barrage of guitar solos, and I knew they would be ringing later, but I didn't care. Eighties-fest plays in Portsmouth every year to sell-out crowds, and this year's line-up was the best yet--only half of the rockers had been on reality TV shows or rehab, so the music was pure and unadulterated. I had been listening to my retro playlist for weeks in preparation for tonight's pleasure.
I felt a vibration in my back pocket, signaling an incoming text. I smirked wickedly as I slid out the phone, anticipating what was about to go down.
I would definitely read more of this! The narrator's voice makes it hard to stop -- jumping from normal person enjoying a concert to creepy person fingering a set of handcuffs and getting all excited about it. I want to know what this person is planning. (Kinda wish I knew for the purposes of commenting if this is a he or a she, but I don't see that as much of a problem in a book, since it's usually obvious from the cover or the blurb.)
ReplyDeleteThis was fun! I don't know what's going on, but I want to know. Your best line was your first one. What a great hook. I think you could have cut half the information on Eighty's music without losing anything. Otherwise, it's a good beginning.
ReplyDeleteI love it. I would definitely keep reading. My only nitpick is I don't think you need "wickedly" after "smirked". Smirked kind of implies some measure of naughtiness, plus the narrator can't know what their own smirk looks like.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! Some of the word choice got me though, like "barrage" or "my compulsions needed to be sated." These words didn't fit with the voice.
ReplyDeleteBut this was fun, and I'd definitely read on!
Hehe, I'm just now realizing that I should have clarifed the genre.
ReplyDeleteThis is erotic paranormal romance.
Thanks for the comments! This is so much fun.
I would read on, but only if the sensory descriptions faded out. It's good to explore all the senses, and you're using it to set the scene, but there's a lot in a short space and it's an overload for me. I'm interested in seeing what happens though.
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ReplyDeleteI am definitely hooked! But I am confused about the gender of the narrator. Wouldn't be stopping me from reading further though!
ReplyDeletevery intrigued! you've definitely got me curious & want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked the set up - wanted to know what's this person up to. Nice!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this one. Set a unique and interesting premise in such little space. Given a whole book, I bet this author would keep our attention.
ReplyDeleteThis has an intriguing sense of simmering anticipation. I really want to know what he/she is going to do with those handcuffs.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with this.
I love how the most normal actions sound so sensual. I can tell it just buil and builds! Great job!
ReplyDeleteNice job with the concert. I could hear the noise. I assumed the MC was female simply because it's a romance, but it would be nice to be sure.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lanette about cutting fom EIghties-fest to the end of the parg. It doesn't add anything, and it would give you room to get whatever it was that was going down onto the first page.
Smart use of a weird/kinky/mysterious object in the opening, but after that I'm distracted by diction, in particular Botox phrases (smirked wickedly, raging to a crescendo, etc.). Also, too many sentences starting with I + verb. And too self conscious.
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