TITLE: Legends of Elavahn - The Dark Morning
GENRE: Fantasy
"You hear me, don't you?" Her eyes darted wildly in to the dark space searching for the voice. He is back. Yet again.
"Yes. How did you find me?"
"It does not matter. Only you do. You are our destiny". The eyes blazed with intensity. She had not observed the urgency in those eyes before. "What destiny?"
Silence.
"Say something. You have my brother, isn't it?" She fixed her dark brown eyes on his light brown ones. They were silent and this is usually when he would be close to fading away. Escaping from her questions. Today she was determined to get her answers. The silence grew heavy. "Answer me. Why don't you tell me who you are? Where is my brother?" She was frustrated with no answers. She was ready to do anything to get back her brother, her best friend. But what?
"Tell me what do I have to do, damn it?"
At last the eyes spoke. She could see a tiny change in them now. That of interest, to test if she was telling the truth. They fluttered as if in embarrassment of the words that are about to be uttered.
"Come to us and you will get all your answers". A single thought flickered through her mind. Was that a trick?
"Where? Would you give my brother back if I come?"
"I cannot give him back. It's not in my hand anymore". The hint of sadness in those eyes worried Aira. Why can't he give him back?
Starting off with action -- good thing there. But I was thrown off by the use of "her" and no name to connect it to in the first line. I also noticed that the tenses jumped from past to present. Are these her inner thoughts and the italics just didn't come through? If so, she has an oddly formal tone for such a frightening situation. I didn't even need to be told that she would do anything to get her brother back. The desperation in her dialogue made it clear.
ReplyDeleteI like the scene itself as an opening, it raises a lot of interesting questions. But I think the writing is holding it back. I want to see more of where this character is and more of how she's feeling.
I hope that's helpful.
I feel like there's not enough context in the opening. Is this one of the main character's dreams?
ReplyDeleteAlso, a lot of the dialogue is dropped. The writing might flow smoother if there was a lead-in to what each character says.
The name Aira is very pretty, and this has great potential, but I think the reader needs to know more in order to feel a connection.
I like the opening scene, it drew me into the story quickly. The setting confused me though. At first she searched the darkness, then there were eyes. Disembodied eyes or were they in her mind? Some passive tense in there that could be tightened up, but I would read on. I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is my entry. Thank you Katrina, Jessica and Tori for the honest feedback. I was really worried if this was the right scene and relieved it is not too out of place. Yes, the italics for the dialogues are missing. So, it might sound confusing. I definitely see where I can improve. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the scene but think you would benefit from not restating a point twice.
ReplyDeleteFor example:
Her eyes darted wildly in to the dark space searching for the voice.
I think darting eyes means wildly. So maybe put - Her eyes darted to the dark space...
The eyes blazed with intensity. She had not observed the urgency in those eyes before.
Once again - blazed seems intense to me. Maybe try - The eyes blazed with an urgency I'd never seen before.
I like the feel but think losing the adverbs and tightening with active verbs would make this even better.
Thank you Mary for the detailed feedback. This is my first brush with real reader's feedback and I am so glad about this platform. Thank you all for the same and I hope after revision, it is going to be better.
ReplyDeleteI think the overall idea is working for you. Perhaps concentrate on the writing and the technical aspects.
ReplyDeleteYou hear me, don't you. - I'm thinking that's the eyes? But you have it in the same parg as her eye movements, so it seems they are her words. That should be a new parg.
Maybe add a tag after a line of dialogue so we know who's speaking.
Do the eyes belong to someone? Do they have a name?
Perhaps work at making this clearer and easier to read.
I'm immediately confused. If it's dark, how can they see eye colors? There's no reason to say "yet again" after "he's back." It's implied. There are too many references to eyes. Later, I'm stuck on, "You have my brother, isn't it?" Not good to confuse your reader in so many ways, so early in story.
ReplyDeleteI was confused about who was speaking in the first 3 pargs. Reffering to Aira immediatly after the first line of dialog ended made me think she was speaking. But then she was searching for his voice, which made me think he'd spoken. Maybe add some dialog tags somewhere in here. For example, "Yes," she whispered. "How did you find me?" That'd make it clear who had spoken in the first line.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's a nitpick, but I don't think you need the lines about being frustrated and doing anything for her brother. That's already clear from her dialog.