TITLE: Unplugged
GENRE: ya thriller
I never thought my hacking could kill someone.
I know the dangers of high school. Drugs turn brains to mush, drinking makes the hottest guys act stupid, and bad grades only secures a future working in a McD's drive-through. However, I've never seen a PSA warning about how computers kill.
When I first hacked the system, I knew something was effed up. The program was screwy, the source code as murky as my local public pool, and there were signs of hack scripts.
Even with that, I had no clue someone would die over it.
My eyes skim the directory as my fingers glide the old keyboard. Except for the light blue glow spraying from the monitor, the room is dark. The only sounds I hear are the hum of the hard drive and the clicks of my fingers as they tap the keys.
It amazes me how people leave their computers so unprotected without even knowing. When I'm done, I sit back, smiling at my command string. I may not know the inverse trigonometric functions or whether Hamlet was totally insane or just faking. But, I do know computers. I'm multi-lingual. Guess you could say I speak computer-ese. My mother tongue is Java, but I'm fluent in most programming languages. Whether it's Linux, C++, or some crazy combo, I have the strange ability to understand it.
And if I can read it, I can hack it.
This has a great voice and I would definitely read on. My only comment for improvement would be to reduce the number of times your MC says her hacking can kill. It's mentioned 3 times in the first half of the excerpt. Trust your reader.
ReplyDelete#42,
ReplyDeleteThis was great! I don’t usually like reading about computer geeks, but this MC was entertaining to read.
Good luck with your writing!
TITLE: Unplugged [After I started reading the title made sense, so this is a good title--in my opinion, at least.]
GENRE: ya thriller
I never thought my hacking could kill someone. [Strong voice. Good.]
I know the dangers of high school. Drugs turn brains to mush, drinking makes the hottest guys act stupid, and bad grades only secures a future working in a McD's drive-through. [So true!] However, I've never seen a PSA warning about how computers kill. [Good sentence. The first line makes better sense now.]
When I first hacked the system, I knew something was effed up. The program was screwy, the source code as murky as my local public pool, and there were signs of hack scripts. [GREAT voice!]
Even with that, I had no clue someone would die over it.
My eyes skim the directory as my fingers glide the old keyboard. Except for the light blue glow spraying from the monitor, the room is dark. The only sounds I hear are the hum of the hard drive and the clicks of my fingers as they tap the keys.
It amazes me how people leave their computers so unprotected without even knowing. When I'm done, I sit back, smiling at my command string. I may not know the inverse trigonometric functions or whether Hamlet was totally insane or just faking. [You’re nailing the voice--I’m learning so much about the MC already!] But, I do know computers. I'm multi-lingual. Guess you could say I speak computer-ese. My mother tongue is Java, but I'm fluent in most programming languages. Whether it's Linux, C++, or some crazy combo, I have the strange ability to understand it. [I used to have Linux. ;) Great system, just to let everyone know.]
And if I can read it, I can hack it.
Great voice. I like the idea of a smart teen hacker protag. I hope your MC's female because bending the gender stereotype would make it even better.
ReplyDeleteawesome! there are too few books on the dangers of hacking in the world! i like the "source code as murky as my local public school." (although you may just need to say "public school" and ditch the "local." i would read this book!
ReplyDeleteWow, a thriller with a hacker. I'm definitely hooked! I love your title, and your MC seems to really know his/her computers!
ReplyDeleteSome of your verb tenses don't match up, and the writing could flow better in some places, but aside from that, I'd read on.
Awesome voice! The first line was fantastic.
ReplyDeleteThis is my entry and it is a girl MC.
ReplyDeleteYou find that out on the first page but could not get it in this submission. Thanks for great feedback!
I loved this! Great voice, great hook! The only thing I'd like to point out is the repetitiveness of the hacking can kill idea, which Rachel up at the top already said. Otherwise, great! I'd totally read on. =)
ReplyDeleteGood hook. I agree to cut down the number of times hacking can kill is mentioned and your tense seems to shift.
ReplyDeleteI did assume the MC was female from the 'drinking makes the hottest guys act stupid' reference - a guy wouldn't say that.
Good voice, it sounds like a teenager. The little bits of computer references were believable as well. Not overbearing, it was just enough. Good job.
I really liked the way it immediately transports us to the teenager's mind - shocked, scared and yet, that layer of unreality about the whole situation when she was musing about hacking and killing. I liked topic was fresh. I just hope it doesn't get technical later...but I would definitely want to read it further! I am hooked!
ReplyDeleteFlows really well, strong voice, too. Definitely holds an interest!
ReplyDeleteI like it. My hubs is a programmer and sometimes his explanation of things turns my brain to mush but you put everything in basic, understandable terms - i.e. the programming languages. I think it's unique as well. Don't see many stories with this angle. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteVery nice! I would be interested in reading more. My only comment is that I thought the first sentence was about coughing. That could be remedied by a wonderful cover.
ReplyDeleteI'm in agreement with most of the comments here.
ReplyDeleteI like the hacker angle. There have been some very successful works involving Hackers and computer "crimes" (most notably, "Hackers," "The Matrix," and "Tron" - all of which took very different approaches to the idea of the ways computers and users interact). If you're not already VERY familiar with them all, I recommend getting there to make sure you're not duplicating content unintentionally.
Also, the redundancy of "computers can kill" is an issue, but very easily resolved.
One other thing that bothered me: I wouldn't us "computer-ese." In fact, I'd cut that sentence altogether. The writing picks up pace and density if you simply say "I'm multi-lingual. My mother tongue is Java, but I'm fluent..."
Readers like prose that makes them (the readers) feel clever. You do that in part by eliminating redundancy and trusting them to get the links in your clever turns of phrase. I loved the parallel between linguistics and programming - and I think you underestimate your own writing by thinking you need to clarify. You're good, and you don't.
Really interesting opening. This is one of my favorite pieces in this contest.
Love the voice and the line...murky as a public swimming pool. Great.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise here, that she killed someone through hacking, but then you drop it and she goes on to brag about her skills. I'd think she go on to tell us about the death and how it happened, or perhaps deny she was responsible, depending on where you're taking the story. Moving on to her skills make her seem cold and callous. Is she?
ReplyDeleteI do remember this, and the previous version took place in real time, I think. I liked that version better.
The tense changes have been mentioned.
My sugestion would be to stick with the death a bit longer and give us some details, or go back to the event that set things in motion, and cut the last two pargs. She can always think that, or say it aloud in conversation later.
Fantastic comments! I agree with all. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis could go to some interesting places but requires some major pruning. Think "economy of words." I'd start here, tinker as follows, and cut everything else, "When I'm done, I sit back, smiling at my command string. I may not know the inverse trigonometric functions or whether Hamlet was totally insane or just faking. But, I do know computers. I'm multi-lingual. I speak English and computer-ese. My mother tongue is Java. ...Thank god so many people leave their computers unprotected..."
ReplyDelete