TITLE: THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES
GENRE: YA FANTASY
At twelve and not old enough for a title, the Boy kept his focus on himself, but he stopped his daily walk through the cemetery at a sight even he could not ignore.
"You shouldn't do that." He narrowed his eyes and glared with all the indignation called for in such a situation.
"Do what?" The target of his fury, a girl no older than he, swung her legs back and forth. She had brown eyes, but as for her other features, he had not taken the time to notice them. He found something else far more interesting.
"What you're doing, sitting on that headstone there."
"And why shouldn't I?" Her question seemed genuine, but the Boy could not fathom how she could not see the issue with her actions.
"Because. Someone died there."
The Brown-Eyed Girl brushed an orange leaf from the headstone. "No they didn't. Not one of these people died here. They all died at home in their beds, or abroad in the world, or wherever it suited the world best to have them die."
The Boy paused in surprise at her response, but could not deny she was right. "Well, I'm sure that person doesn't want you sitting on his headstone."
"Oh, I'm quite certain she doesn't mind."
The Boy jolted. Who did she think she was? He puffed up his chest. "And how can you be so certain?"
She ran her fingers through her hair and shook it loose. "Because," she said, "this headstone is mine."
I liked this. The interaction between the two was good. I do wonder about the word "certain". It has an older feel to it as if we've stepped back in time. If we have, I am intrigued even more.
ReplyDeleteThis is tighter than the last version I read. I liked it before, but the slight tweaking made this so much better. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely set in a different time. Glad that makes you feel more intrigued though! Always a good sign. Thanks for taking a look!
ReplyDeleteOoooooooh! I like this! And so much better than a version I saw at WriteOnCon. I like that it's sort of formal. The intelligent dialogue works. The fact that it's her headstone is the HOOK that makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. This is the exact same version as the one at WriteOnCon.
ReplyDeleteTracy,
ReplyDeleteMaybe I"m remembering the query? Sorry to be so confused.
M
That's okay. Maybe you did see an older version somewhere. I appreciate the nice comments anyways. Thank you for looking!
ReplyDeleteI liked that you kept a sense of mystery throughout the piece, and the last line is a great hook
ReplyDeleteTwo things stood out to me. I wondered why 'the Boy' wasn't named. He knows who he is, and if he's your MC, why not name him?
The other thing was the distant feeling of the piece. I liked it in regard to how it gave this a feeling of otherworldliness, and of a different time and place. But it also puts me at arms length from the characters, far enouh to make me not care about either of them. I'm interested, but I don't I care.
If it's a prologue, I could read it and move on, but I don't think I could read a whole novel in this style.
Hmmmm. The opening sentences read a little tongue-tied and I got hung up a bit there. But things improve in the graphs that follow. (Although, there's still a bit of stiffness in the prose, which doesn't seem connected to the boy's snobbery and which kept tripping me up). The surprise at the end didn't surprise me, I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteThis is a nitpick, but one thing that tripped me up was that he noticed her eye color but nothing else. I'd think he'd notice her hair and skin color, and maybe not notice her eyes at all if he's distracted by her actions.
ReplyDelete