Wednesday, August 17, 2011

August Secret Agent Contest #28

TITLE: Sky's The Limit
GENRE: Erotic Romance/Comedy

"Sky, please come in." Paul stood, gesturing to a comfortable chair in front of his desk.

Sky hesitated, still uncertain of the wisdom of agreeing to meet Paul in the first place. He crossed the room, barely glancing at the exquisite decor of Paul's office. He expected as much. The man had resources, it's how he won Teri. The thought left a bitter taste in Sky's mouth.

"Lim, will you. . ." Paul began.

"Tim's already on his way." Paul's secretary smiled and closed the door, leaving Paul and Sky alone. Instead of sitting behind his desk, Paul sat in the chair beside Sky.

He wants something, Sky decided. A magazine lay open on the desk with a picture of Teri on Paul's arm attending a charity banquet. Sky stared at it and didn't feel inclined to do Paul any favors.

"You got a divorce." Paul said.

"So? You've got Teri, I'm not a threat anymore." Sky snapped.

"Do you still want her?"

"What?" Sky couldn't believe what he was hearing. Paul worshiped Teri. He looked into it while he went through the divorce, determined to continue the pursuit. She made a decision, but women changed their minds. When he watched them though, it was clear she wouldn't change her mind this time. He didn't expect Paul to.

"Sky, I have to ask you not to repeat what I tell you here today. It won't be for long, but it's important."

Sky frowned, but finally nodded in agreement.

"I'm dying."


  1. I was confused by this. There are characters mentioned that we don't meet--Teri, Tim, Lim--which doesn't help. I also didn't feel grounded in the scene--not sure why. I do think you have good writing but the confusion I'm feeling would probably make me stop reading.

  2. I, too, am confused. I few of general thoughts:

    1. I detest cute character names that are used in the title. I would never read a book with a main character named Sky where it's in a cliche in the title. I'm sorry.

    2. If this is a comedy, make me laugh on the first page. You must. Otherwise, it's not a comedy. It might have funny moments, but don't call it a comedy if you're not going to deliver right up front.

    3. I don't really like the line about women changing their minds, as if we're all so fickle we just switch men every other week. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially in a romance, especially coming from the main character.

    "He looked into it while he went through the divorce, determined to continue the pursuit." <- I have no idea what this sentence means. It's difficult when you have a scene with tho characters of the same gender - you must be more specific with your "he"s.

    Good luck

  3. One more thought, especially since I was so tough in my other comment. I love the idea of a humorous erotic romance. I am totally your target audience, and so I wish you well! :)

    There is inherent bitter humor in a dude meeting with the guy who stole his lover. Maybe that's a good place to start when thinking about infusing the first page with a little more oomph.

  4. Sky sounds feminine to me, so I was confused at first.

    Tim and Lim confused me. I thought it was a typo at first. Best not have such similarity in names, especially so close together.

    I liked the sentence where Sky does not admire Paul's office. It spoke volumes of both personalities.

  5. I agree with the other comments that the name Sky is confusing. I thought Sky was female, so then I had a hard time following the "he" references. And, it is a little cliche to use a character's name to have a cute title.

    I don't know that you need to call it a comedy if you have no comedic reference at the start.

    I'm intrigued by the idea that these adversaries are meeting...and that one confides that he's dying. I'd turn the page to find out what he has in mind for Teri's future.

  6. You used Paul's name twelve times on the first page. I had to read it a second time as I got distracted 'Paul watching' the first time.

    I'm with the others, I thought Sky was a girl until Paul mentioned the divorce.

    Also, I'm in agreement that you might be better off just calling this a romance rather than a comedy.

  7. I thought a lot of this was confusing and unclear. I thought Sky, at first, was a woman. I thought Lim was a typo of Tim. There were sentences that I just didn't get. And as others have said, if you label it as comedy, you need comedy on the first page to set the tone of the story.

    Perhaps rewrite the opening to make things clearer, and reconsider the genre.

  8. Teri and Sky divorced, Teri married Paul, Skys still bitter about it and wants her back but its obviouse Teris too in love to consider it.

    That's what I think is happening in this scene, but I'm a little confused. Is there a way to make this more obviuse so I can tell for certain whats happening?

  9. Confused. Very very confused. Sky is a girl's name, no? But, more confusing is the conversation these two men are having (divorce, dying, looking "into it,"....) and the names flying about (Teri, Lim, Tim). Confusion at this level is never a good thing.