TITLE: A GIRL NAMED JACK
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Slinking alongside the lockers, I flow around the students stopped in bubbles of conversation. I don’t know what other high schools are like, but mine is this stage-in-the-round of connecting buildings with never-ending hallways. I circle around a few times until I remember I’m looking for something. Room 201B. Hugging my Chuck Norris messenger bag, I maneuver through the aisles to my seat in the back corner. Alphabetically speaking, Torres, Jack favors Stealth.
Most of the other people herding through my high school have no idea that a kung-fu M.I.T. (master-in-training) is in their midst. For all intents and purposes, I play the short, frizzy-haired nerd girl quite well. And, if pressed, I will admit that Mr. Miyagi offering defensive lessons in my mind is a bit weird. But confessing your craziness is like taking the state route to Sanity.
For instance, I don’t know anyone else who, at this very minute, notices Bruce Lee settling on the teacher’s desk, his legs and arms crossed. Bruce Lee with his smooth face and piercing eyes, scanning the classroom for me. He says, “Be ready, Jack, not thinking but not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come.”
You got it, Bruce.
From my left, a melodic voice asks, “Who’s Bruce?”
Looks like I said that out loud. Of course William Blake would choose this moment to acknowledge me. Not the dead poet William Blake—I’m not that crazy—just the floppy-haired blonde guy who sits next to my desk in five out of nine classes.
I really like the humor here! I'd read on. I'm thinking your MC sounds a little more MG, but I'd have to read more to see. Good start.
ReplyDeleteNice strong writing. And I love your MC already. I have an imaginative MC as well, so the imaginations are done quite well.
ReplyDeleteIn these opening paragraphs I really got a great sense of the MC. Lots of fun pop culture references.
ReplyDeleteThis has the making of being a classic fish-out-of-water story. In the last paragraph, I got the sense that William Blake was going to be a love interest for Jack.
I think this is off to a great start.
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ReplyDeleteI love how she draws the crazy line at not seeing dead poets haha. I'm a little confused by, but also interested in, what's going on with Mr. Miyagi and Bruce Lee.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice! I'd definitely keep reading ( :
ReplyDeleteI know comments like this and people like me aren't very helpful--you know, the ones who just read, smile happily, and tell you they don't have any critique? But truly, I just enjoyed this little piece of writing and don't have anything to say! Besides GOOD comments, that is. Which I'm totally going to share, because I'm of the opinion that us writers don't get NEARLY enough positive feedback!
I thought the William Blake thing was clever.
I love that a GIRL is thinking about all things ninja.
I love that she has a Chuck-freakin'-Norris messenger bag!
I love the line "confessing your craziness is like taking the state route to sanity."
I love your title!
And I'm sure that if I read past the first 250 words I'd find a whole score of other awesome sauce things to love!
So here's to a completely useless, but hopefully moral-boosting comment! Best of luck in your writing! Although... something tells me you aren't going to need it ( :
Cute and quirky! The voice is great and I'd definitely keep reading. It took me two reads to get the Mr. Miyagi line because I thought there might be a typo in it, so it might be easier to read if rephrased. My brain tried to get me to read it as "to my mind" even on the second try - but that's probably just me! And I'm not sure I get the "taking the state route to sanity". Do you mean being committed to a state mental institution? I love the phrase "alphabetically speaking". Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. Not entirely sure where this is going (I'm imagining some sort of epic adventure out of what might normally be a mundane school day), but the voice is definitly catching my attention. And I like the idea that she's talking to Bruce Lee but "William Blake" is actually a guy next to her.
ReplyDeleteAlso loved the image of her stealthing to her classroom.
The main thing that stood out to me was the idea of cutting the word "something" so that third sentence reads: "I circle around a few times until I remember I’m looking for Room 201B."
But then.. that's a voice thing. So yeah.
Good luck with it. :-)
I wasn't a fan of the alphabetically speaking line until I remembered the title, and it made sense:)
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in this, and it sounds like a fun concept:) I'd read on.
I like the voice and humor. I was immediately drawn to your MC and would definitely keep reading. Loved the twist in the end that Wm Blake is a real live boy. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI'd read more. Like everyone else, I was fond of the voice. It did sound more upper MG than YA to me, though.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of her talking to Bruce Lee and that she's into martial arts. She sounds fun, quirky.
There were two lines that tripped me up. "Alphabetically speaking, Torres, Jack favours Stealth." I'm still not sure I totally get it. Torres would be at the back of the room alphabetically, but how does "alphabetically speaking" relate to stealth?
The other line was about Mr. Miyagi. It just took me a minute to get it. I think it's because the sentences in that second paragraph don't transition well for me. Perhaps rearrange them so the kung-fu reference is closer to Mr. Miyagi so the reader makes the connection better? Something like:
For all intents and purposes, I play the short, frizzy-haired nerd girl quite well. Most people herding through my high school have no idea that a kung-fu MIT is in their midst. And if pressed... etc.
Fantastic suggestions and comments! Thanks so much!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate comments that say "Maybe it's just me, but ..." but ... maybe it's just me. This didn't grab me, and I can't say precisely why, because I usually I love quirky. I think for me it seemed a bit over the top, a bit too much, a bit too slow going through the hall and getting INTO the room.
ReplyDeleteGiven the way the rest of the excerpt reads, I think your first line is trying a bit too hard. "I flow around the students" doesn't seem natural. I get what you're saying but I think given what follows you could come up with a stronger opening line. Maybe even something ninja worked in.
ReplyDeleteI got a visual for the space, and I get she thinks of herself as unique. I'd read on.
One other thing I feel I need to mention; although I got all of the pop culture references, I would check to see with some teen readers whether they do; I realize Chuck Norris got a second life with those jokes a few years back, and Karate Kid got a new movie, although Mr. Miyagi wasn't in it. Bruce Lee is pretty well known, but all of these together make for a lot of old references for YA. I just wanted to bring this up for consideration.
good luck with your story :)
I love so much about this, especially the voice, and agree with most of the comments above. I did have to same comment about whether YA readers would know Mr, Miyagi (which is their loss, of course!). Also, I loved the alphabetically speaking line, but it gave me the impression that they were seated alphabetically and that made me wonder how Torres was seated next to Blake in five classes. These are very minor things though- I would DEFINITELY keep reading!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's still pretty young (though no longer a teen) none of the references bothered me. Younger teens might have a problem with it, though.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. It flowed well and I think your voice comes through clearly. It does sound more MG than YA, though—I kept imagining the MC being maybe fourteen or thirteen or something. Loved that it's a girl, though.
Overall I don't have much to add but just to say I'd definitely keep reading this.
I'm pretty confused at what's going on here. These are a few lines that threw me:
ReplyDelete"Alphabetically speaking, Torres, Jack favors Stealth."
"And, if pressed, I will admit that Mr. Miyagi offering defensive lessons in my mind is a bit weird."
"Bruce Lee with his smooth face and piercing eyes, scanning the classroom for me. He says, “Be ready, Jack, not thinking but not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come.”"
Is she crazy? Is Bruce really there? What is going on. This isn't the strongest way to open a novel. I wouldn't keep reading because it is really confusing. You can keep the same concepts but you need to clean up your writing.
SecretAgent