TITLE: The Actual and Truthful Adventures of Becky Thatcher
GENRE: MG Retelling (of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer)
By the time I crept back home and lifted the side window, Mama was in her armchair snoring. Good God in Heaven, Joseph and Mary, and all six or seven disciples, too—her growling and nose whistling was like a mix between a steamboat and a tea kettle. Grateful for the noise, I slipped inside and tippy-toed around the corner, down the hall, and up the steps. It wasn’t until I reached my room and closed the door, quiet as a tinkle in the woods, that I saw him.
Daddy.
Judge Thatcher, as I had to call him when I got into mischief, was sitting on my bed with his arms crossed. In one hand was his fancy pocket watch, the one he used in court matters. About the size of a baby’s palm, it was always shiny and always wound and always exactly on time. He called it Old Reliable. Me and Old Reliable weren’t on friendly terms.
“It’s past ten o’clock, Becky,” he said, snapping the watch shut. He caught sight of my clothing—Jon’s old clothing, that is. I saw him soften and then go to a sad place before he recovered himself. “Mighty late, considering you said your goodnights nearly two hours ago.”
“Oh, is it late?” I asked. “Well, I guess I’ll get to bed.” I yawned real big. “Judge, I’ll have to ask you to excuse yourself. I’m getting mighty big to have my Daddy in my room when I put on a nightgown.”
Great voice- it comes through instantly. I love the line "Me and Old Reliable weren't in friendly terms." which tells us a lot about the character in one line. I also like the way sending Daddy out of the room so she can change tells us her age without "telling" us her age. Great examples of "show don't tell"!
ReplyDeleteI don't really like the over-use of 'was.' Almost every sentence has 'was' in it, and 'was,' just like any other word, should not get that much spotlight time! Stronger diction?
ReplyDeleteI love your voice, though. "quiet as a tinkle in the woods" and "Me and Old Reliable weren't on friendly terms"--awesome!
You almost manage to draw me into Tom Sawyer comparisons from the get-go!
ReplyDeleteAwesome voice.I am not too sure of calling her Daddy Judge Thatcher though. Judge maybe when he's strict but the full name doesn't connect to me.
Anyways great work!
Nice start. I like the voice a lot, and I'd keep reading. Maybe some rewording to make this a bit tighter? Perhaps omit "was like a" in first paragraph. Consider rewording last sentence: "Not until I reached my room and closed the door, quiet as a tinkle in the woods, did I saw him." Is there a way to tighten up the paragraph with the watch? It's been a long time since I've read Tom Sawyer, but I find myself asking if Becky would respond the way she did to her dad. The next few paragraphs might convince me she would.
ReplyDeleteI like this and would read on. Really enjoyed the voice. I have to say, though, I got hung up on that last sentence. Just felt weird to me that she would ever remember dressing in front of her daddy. I know it's meant to be sweet and show connection between the two, but still. I may be totally off about that, just thought I'd share. Great job all around!
ReplyDeleteThe voice booms through strong and insistent--the strongest part of this excerpt.
ReplyDeleteThe passive voice ("was") smacks of old-fashioned writing. However, if this is an important part of the style and voice, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
However, the title bothers me a bit. Aren't "actual" and "truthful" redundant?
I love this! Great voice, really strong writing--I would definitely read on. And I love this concept, fantastic!
ReplyDeleteVery cute, love the voice. I really hate passive voice, but honestly, I didn't even notice how often 'was' was used until pointed out.
ReplyDeleteSounds like fun, I'd want to read on.
Love the concept!!
ReplyDeleteLove it! Love Becky, love the super strong voice, and I think having an old-fashioned feel to the writing is important if you're retelling Twain (which is sure a ballsy thing to do). My favorite part: "all six or seven disciples." ;-)
ReplyDeleteI really like the writing and the voice! Nicely done. I think the concept needs a bigger hint in these opening words. What does Becky have to say that's so different to Tom Sawyer's version of events? So far all I know is that she sneaks out and her dad is strict.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I would read further to find out.
Strong voice! Punchy! Would definitely read more. Not sure about the "tinkle" line.
ReplyDeleteHee, this is great! There's a lot of passive voice that I'm not entirely sure you'll need in a retelling, but I was definitely pulled in.
ReplyDeleteExcellent and authentic voice that sounds like it was lifted right from the era. It flowed and I was right there with the MC. I don't know where it is going but I sure like the start and I think you have hit the right pitch with a bullseye. The only clang was the last line with the nightgown and asking daddy to leave - as if he normally watched her undress. Somethign about that just made my skin crawl. Oh yeah, I also think calling her daddy "Judge" is great, Everything about this is excellent.
ReplyDeleteLove. Good vernacular.
ReplyDeleteYour character's voice shines through here and I get a good sense on the impending tension. I would review the first paragraph as it didn't draw me in. If you could give her discovery of dad more pow, it could make the opening stronger. For example, she might see signs he was waiting for her like the light on in her room, the door open ajar, etc.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I like the concept. My favorite line: Me and Old Reliable weren't on friendly terms.
ReplyDeleteIn the last paragraph, would she call him Judge? That's admitting she's in trouble.
The voice is excellent and not just because it's interesting and witty but because it is a reflection of the time period and setting. Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, great descriptions--I love the comparison to "a mix between a steamboat and a tea kettle" and many of the other bits people have already singled out.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about all of the references commenters are making to passive voice, though. There is no passive voice in this entry! It takes more than a "was" to create passive voice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_passive_voice
I don't think I would have even noticed it otherwise, but there probably are a couple of places where you can swap out a "was" for a more descriptive verb...maybe the nose whistling "sounded" like a mix or Judge Thatcher "sat" on my bed would work?
Great job--good luck with this!
This pace is quick, snappy, and drew me right along. There are a lot of details, but they interested me instead of being a distraction. Nice!
ReplyDeleteFANTASTIC! Such a wonderful voice. My gosh. I have no negative comments on this. I would definitely keep reading this. The MC has such a distinct voice and it's wonderful. Your writing is awesome...fast and fun and witty.
ReplyDeleteSecretAgent