TITLE: NEFERTITI'S HEART
GENRE: NA Steampunk Thriller
There was something cathartic about wielding a crowbar. Cara used one end to loosen the tacks, before ripping up the expensive Persian carpets. She tossed the strip in a growing pile by the wall. Taking a moment’s break from her work, she flung open the second story window and took a deep breath of London air. And coughed. Coal smoke and steam spiralled past her window, forced skywards by the combination of the narrow street and tall buildings. She blinked the stinging smog from her eyes and looked up. An airship glided by like a giant floating dodo, its tiny props spinning frantically to keep its bulk airborne.
Turning, Cara leaned on the casement, surveying her work. She had taken up most of the library carpet, the wooden floor boards dull in the morning light. Hidden for years under the carpet they were coated in dust and grime. Pacing the floor she knew she was close, a spot to one side called to her. The hairs on the backs of her arms rose as she walked the bare boards. Ah. There. The wooden planks of the floor stained a slightly darker colour. A maid had spent hours on her knees there. Using scrubbing brush and bleach, she had tried to wash away the blood before the new carpets were laid.
There was an old saying blood will out. Cara wondered if this was what her grandmother meant. You can scrub as hard as you want, but you can never remove the taint.
I like how you immediately add in the steampunk with London setting, the coal smoke and the airship- very vivid. I also love the first line! The last bit about the blood is very Lady MacBeth. This is not generally (well, ever) a genre that I read, but the writing is good and I'm intrigued. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteNice - blood will out. And we want to read why: why is she cleaning, whose blood, whose library. I like it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice clear set-up. It definitely left me wondering what she was looking for and wanting to read more. I love the last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteLove that first line, but was slightly disappointed it was being used to pull up carpet. ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat set-up. I would read more.
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ReplyDeleteThe first line grabbed my attention and immediately projected a strong voice.
ReplyDeleteI love that this opening is active and reflective. Good luck! :)
Nice first sentence and solid first paragraphs. I do wonder if the paragraphs are a bit too long for the first page. I can't say I normally read steampunk, but I would read more. Should the first line of your last paragraph have quotes around "blood will out?"
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the first line! This is definitely something I would want to read more of. If this was my edit, my only comment would be the 'like a giant flying dodo' line felt a bit awkward. I'd just strike it out. You definitely don't need it with the quality of your work :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome first line!! :) Love the whole tone. While I like how you include the setting in that first paragraph, I wish she had a reason for opening the window - maybe thinking she needed air, the coughing... If that makes any sense. Regardless, I love the voice and I would definitely read on :)
ReplyDeleteYou have a great writing style, and know how to paint a picture right off the bat. I feel like I'm right there with her.
ReplyDeleteLove the setting, library, era, London, etc., but one would have to be extraordinarily wealthy to install Persian carpets in such a way that would require ripping out. One would have them custom made, so that they just lifted out with no damage to carpet. Silly thing, but I would want someone to mention such a thought to me.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the end. The blood. The elusive board....
This is excellent. Love the first line and the last paragraph. If I were editing it, I'd change the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph to read: "Scrubbing with brush and bleach," and strike "using". Wish I could keep reading this one, right now!
ReplyDeletethis is a very interesting premise, the way you add the setting and description of an airship. I'm certainly curious about the blood. . . .and would read on
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in this. Immediately I'm drawn to Cara and want to know what she's up to. Your descriptions and setting won me, I was there with her. I'd absolutely want to see/read more of this. Nicely done, it's hard to grab a reader with so few words but that first line was perfect!
ReplyDeleteOh, my, I'd keep reading. If this was for sale, I'd likely buy it now.
ReplyDeleteOohh, I am so intrigued by this! All the questions are there and your prose is strong.
ReplyDeleteI would read on for sure :)
I liked this piece a lot, nice work.
ReplyDeleteA few things: This is certainly up for debate, but I think you're safe with just Steampunk as a genre instead of New Adult Steampunk. Realizing NA isn't well-defined, since that is so specific it becomes limiting. You also have thriller tacked on which muddies it up further; I say pick the strongest element and focus on that (assuming it's Steampunk).
I would suggest changing to a dash here: "...took a deep breath of London air -- and coughed."
The airship feels like it's there to convey "Steampunk." It might be overkill; I want to know more about that blood stain she sees on the floor. This screams Clue! or Potential Mystery! and I want to explore this rather than extraneous Steampunky details. I think you can work those in when necessary.
Random technical note - airships aren't kept airborne by propellers; the gas in the envelope holds them up. Unless you're redefining what an airship is here, which is fine, but would need to be a lot more clear.
ReplyDeleteIt is a beginning that captures your attention and interest. I like how you avoid the temptation to toss in a lot of backstory and will presumably weave it in naturally later. Some attention to detail could strengthen the overall effect. As was mentioned, the props don't keep those dirigibles airborne, they are just there to steer. Likewise the Persian carpets (which I think are more universally referred to as rugs). For some reason the last paragraph bothered me because of course the saying "blood will out" has nothing to do with the removal of blood. That she so fundametally misunderstands this saying for some reason weakens the opening.
ReplyDeleteIt is a beginning that captures your attention and interest. I like how you avoid the temptation to toss in a lot of backstory and will presumably weave it in naturally later. Some attention to detail could strengthen the overall effect. As was mentioned, the props don't keep those dirigibles airborne, they are just there to steer. Likewise the Persian carpets (which I think are more universally referred to as rugs). For some reason the last paragraph bothered me because of course the saying "blood will out" has nothing to do with the removal of blood. That she so fundametally misunderstands this saying for some reason weakens the opening.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful language. A bit heavy but it fits with steampunk. I wish I knew a little more about the MC. But I am really intrigued by these paragraphs. Especially since I know it's a thriller and then it ends with the blood bit. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd say slow it down a bit and add ore detail upfront about the MC. Not an information dump, but tidbits.
SecretAgent