TITLE: Liora
GENRE: YA
Adolescence is the vampire of childhood. It preys on innocent victims, wide eyed girls who have just grown capable enough to play really interesting games like “Battle of the Spy Clubs”, and “KiKi Munroe: Horse Whisperer”
That’s when the vampires strike. Slinking out from behind the shadows they tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe, behind the freshly washed faces and pony tails. “You’ll be the bell of the ball,” They hiss. “Boys will love you,” they whisper,”Girls will kill to be like you” they purr. All the while the vampires are sinking their teeth deeper and deeper into the girls’ milky white necks.
Once she has been bitten, there’s no turning back. The venomous poison courses through her veins, destroying everything that was interesting or unique about her.
Her Muppets T shirts get replaced by designer tops, her purple secret decoder rings morph into into cell phones, her long braided hair gets chopped and dyed.
The Newly Bitten seek each other out, forming snarling, boy hungry groups that prowl the mall looking for new blood.
What happens to the others, the ones who haven’t been bitten yet?
Mostly we try to blend in. The Newly Bitten can be ferocious.
As I lay here in the grass, a hardcover copy of Villete hiding my I spying eyes, I watch them, strutting and giggling and bouncing.. and I feel… I feel…
“OUCH!”
A white object comes hurtling towards my face. I try to seek cover under the shelter of my book, but as usual, my reflexes suck.
Haha wow, I love the metaphor. However, I think it needs a lot stronger language to make it pop off the page. It's too wordy, and about two or three sentences in I start wondering "okay, what's the point of all of this?" Replace "have just grown" and "is" and "are sinking" and "has been" and "there is" with stronger words, IMHO, more present tense, less helping verbs, and shorter sentences. You want to shock, not drag on and on.
ReplyDeleteInteresting comparison. I got a bit lost the first time I read it through, but I enjoyed it much more the second time. You have some nice descriptions here, but perhaps the sentences need to be tightened up some?
ReplyDeleteThe beginning comes off as a lot of telling and feels forced. You have some nice description, but it's not ready.
ReplyDeleteI do like the voice in the last paragraph, but even that is too wordy. Try: I hide behind my hardcover copy of Villete...
One other thing. The voice comes off as more middle grade than YA.
I see the intention here, but I'm unsure whether it works. I think the opening lines are strong, but the few paragraphs following sound more like a prologue (perhaps this IS a prologue and then the story starts?). I think this might work better to transition earlier to the MC and work in some of the metaphor as more grounded to her thoughts. Or, use that first chunk as a prologue, then start the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious whether this is paranormal YA or contemporary -- if the vampires are all just metaphorical. I do like the comparison of adolescence to something violent and lurking, I think much can be gleaned from this, and you have a good start to work from.
I agree with the first commenter on a sweep through to root out helping verbs and filler words that might drag down the pace.
Love the comparison here and this defintely comes across as a unique way of opening a novel!
ReplyDeleteI think I might be more engaged if you start out with the character watching the Newly Bitten (so we're fixed in specific time and place) and then give her musings in a little bit tighter format, then return to the present moment. Just a thought. I can tell that I'd like your protagonist!
I love the idea "what about the ones who haven't been bitten yet?"
ReplyDeleteDefinitely unique. I like the metaphor as well, but for me it doesn't sound like it's coming from the protagonist, but from the author.
Fantastic metaphor. I did have to read it through twice though, to fully understand it.
ReplyDeleteJust watch your use of language & editig. I assume in the second paragraph you mean "belle" of the ball. There is a double "into into" in the fourth paragraph. In the 8th para I'm not sure you need the "I" in "my I spying eyes". I think it would flow as well without it.
Ask yourself is this the strongest possible opening point for my story? Just my 0.02 worth :)
Take it or leave it, but I think your opening would be much more powerful if presented in the first person rather than the third. First person would engage the reader more, make them relate. Excellent comparison, though!
ReplyDeleteI agree with much of what has been written already. Once again, great metaphor.
ReplyDeleteHowever, shouldn't the last two paragraphs be reversed. "Ouch!" should follow her face being hit, I believe.
Keep writing.
intriguing first line.
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with this analogy!! When I first aw the word "vampire" I was like "Oh boy... here we go again with the bloodsuckers!" But this was fantastic! So clever! I'd definitely read more ( :
ReplyDeleteInitially I was totally lost, but then I read on and I'd love to read more. I really like this MC, and the voice.
ReplyDeleteOk, my first thought was "not another vampire story!" but as I read on, I started wondering if it's a vampire story or something else. My actual guess right now is that she's going to end up "bitten" by the whole popularity/growing up bug, and it's going to come full circle.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the last line "but as usual, my reflexes suck."
I think your attention to detail may be what is keeping me pulled in. The story itself doesn't sound like it'd have my immeadiete attention, however, the voice did keep me reading to the end of this passage. In other words, I'd have probably read a bit further to see if it kept my interest.
Good luck with it. :-)
Teenage girl here--I probably wouldn't want to read on because of the girl hate.
ReplyDeleteI do like a lot of this piece. The last sentence is funny and I like the MC's voice in it. I think that this could really be interesting. I like the vampire metaphor, and the writing is tight.
But a MC who thinks that "everything that was interesting or unique" about some girl is destroyed the moment she starts to care about different things than your MC does? Now, I think this is fine your MC ends up recognizing that girls who don't care about the same things she does aren't just "snarling" and "boy hungry" (which should be hyphenated) and "strutting"; they're actual people who respond to societal pressure differently than she does and are not inherently worse people, as your MC seems to think.
Okay, I loved this. It totally captured a young girl's love of overwrought musing (my sister would have eaten this up at that age). And then just when it went almost totally over the top, you flipped us on our heads with "as usual, my reflexes suck." I'd work on the punctuation of the second paragraph. For your audience, I think this is pitch perfect.
ReplyDeleteLike a lot of the others, I loved the metaphor, it's right on. But then I got confused with the vampires striking part in the second paragraph. Up until the 'Ouch' I didn't really feel the voice was YA, it felt a little too much like a voice over if that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteKeep the idea, the mataphor because it's awesome...truly. I'd just make the first half match the tone of the last three lines. Those I related to.
Goodness, this starts out oddly. (Careful with grammar, etc., - missing hyphens galore here, and "bell" of the ball instead of belle took me out of the flow.) Cut the beginning by half and to the actual story faster, and it may work. As is, I kept reading in grim fascination just to see where the HECK it was going, but you can't expect that degree of tolerance from agents or readers at large.
ReplyDeleteI like the metaphor, and the first paragraph is GREAT. After that things get a bit problematic for me, however. Mostly, I think the general metaphor is great but way too wordy. In the third paragraph I started wondering whether these girls were ACTUALLY bitten by vampires what with all the talk about venom. And by the fourth and fifth paragraph I was kind of aching for a hint of your MC. To me, she comes in too late, and it hindered my enjoyment of the piece a bit. I started wondering whether or not this was you as the author talking or the MC, and there's really no way to tell since you spend most of these 250 words with your metaphor instead of your MC.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest perhaps weaving your MC into this metaphor (because I would hate for you too lose it—it's too awesome) to ground the reader immediately. Without it it's just a musing on teenage girls told through metaphors to vampires. And while that's good and while the entire piece is well written and flows well, it's too little actual story for me to really, really care about your MC by the time she's introduced.
I like the metaphor, and the first paragraph is GREAT. After that things get a bit problematic for me, however. Mostly, I think the general metaphor is great but way too wordy. In the third paragraph I started wondering whether these girls were ACTUALLY bitten by vampires what with all the talk about venom. And by the fourth and fifth paragraph I was kind of aching for a hint of your MC. To me, she comes in too late, and it hindered my enjoyment of the piece a bit. I started wondering whether or not this was you as the author talking or the MC, and there's really no way to tell since you spend most of these 250 words with your metaphor instead of your MC.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest perhaps weaving your MC into this metaphor (because I would hate for you too lose it—it's too awesome) to ground the reader immediately. Without it it's just a musing on teenage girls told through metaphors to vampires. And while that's good and while the entire piece is well written and flows well, it's too little actual story for me to really, really care about your MC by the time she's introduced.
I like the metaphor but vampires are so overused. Even if they are just used as a metaphor. What about a little red riding hood/wolf thing or just any other dangerous creature that takes your soul/innocence? I was just instantly turned off by the use of vampire.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I thought it was clever and I think you have a great writing style.
SecretAgent