TITLE: Fractured Sky
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Rose plucked the last of the herbs her mother requested, guilt gnawing at her insides for a lie she hadn’t even told yet. She stood, tossing her purple and blonde plait back behind her shoulders, and tucking the sharp smelling herbs into her basket. She could not think of any circumstances in which the joy she was expected to feel for her two best friends could be plausible. Smiling and pretending to be happy for Hallie and Leilah would be expected.
Rather, smiling and actually being happy for them would be expected.
I really like this, and I REALLY love this "guilt gnawing at her insides for a lie she hadn't even told yet." I'd read on just for that :) One thing to be aware of: I read somewhere that many agents find the "herb gathering opener" in fantasy books (YA and adult) to overdone. Anyway, for what it's worth. Lovely job creating a scene and conflict and getting us into the head of your MC!
ReplyDeleteI'm OK with the first two sentences although I don't know where she is, inside or outside; urban or rural. Maybe it doesn't matter. The guilt thoughts in the first sentence is a good set up; description of herbs as sharp-smelling doesn't tell me much. The last three sentences confused me - I wasn't sure what you were trying to say and it might clarify your point if you could be more exact in saying it.
ReplyDeleteRight away I feel grounded in the setting. She is clearly in a garden. Since her hair is purple, the story it is probably fantasy and the word "plait' give it an other-world feel. (Unless she's an English girl who dyed her hair purple, but it just doesn't come off that way.) I would like to know why she's supposed to be happy for her friends but isn't. Would keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences were great, as far as sense of place. It's obvious where she is and that it's a fantasy. "Sharp smelling herbs" is a great description, so don't waver on that. But you kind of lose me with the last three sentences. I don't know what you're getting at, and think some clarity is in order. Otherwise, good job!
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence -- puts me right into a garden or rural setting, and puts me into your MC's head. The second sentence gives me an idea of otherworldliness. Sentence three is (in my opinion) very cumbersome. The content is fine, but the wording slows me down. That's easily taken care of with a quick rewrite.
ReplyDeleteIt's the last two sentences that I don't get:
"Smiling and pretending to be happy for Hallie and Leilah would be expected.
Rather, smiling and actually being happy for them would be expected."
The word "rather" sets me up for a contrast as far as what would be expected is concerned. But you've got "X and Y would be expected" followed by "[but instead of this] X and Z would be expected." The linguist in me finds it impossible to process these two from a semantic standpoint and makes me wonder if there's a missing word or one of the two would *not* be expected?
Otherwise, fine intro -- especially the first couple of sentences.
Christina (#15)
The first two sentences give this a nice, whimsical fantasy feel. I get a sense of a country setting and can definitely see this as a YA fantasy with the MC doing tasks for her mother and talking of her best friends.
ReplyDeleteThe third sentence threw me, however, with its wordiness. Also, sentences 3-5 pretty much say the same thing. If you cut some filler words you have: She should feel joy for Hallie and Leilah, after all they were her best friends, but it wasn't plausible.
That's all you need. Then you can dedicate sentences 4 and 5 to WHY she can't feel happy for them.
The first two sentences give this a nice, whimsical fantasy feel. I get a sense of a country setting and can definitely see this as a YA fantasy with the MC doing tasks for her mother and talking of her best friends.
ReplyDeleteThe third sentence threw me, however, with its wordiness. Also, sentences 3-5 pretty much say the same thing. If you cut some filler words you have: She should feel joy for Hallie and Leilah, after all they were her best friends, but it wasn't plausible.
That's all you need. Then you can dedicate sentences 4 and 5 to WHY she can't feel happy for them.
I like how you showed her thoughts, so we know what's really going on, but she's still taking some sort of action just by walking in the garden.
ReplyDelete