TITLE: The Great Cookie Caper
GENRE: Contemporary Chapter Book
Amelia tiptoed past her grandma, but grandma was too busy stirring the spaghetti sauce to notice her. Mom didn’t see her either while she kneaded dough. Amelia pulled out the bottom drawer, the one holding the pots and pans, and stood on it with her untied sneakers. The bear shaped cookie jar was just out of her reach. She pulled herself on the tile counter and lifted the lid off the cookie jar, barely making a sound.
Great set up! The readers know exactly where we are, who the main character is, and what she's doing. We can also surmise that Amelia's mom probably doesn't pay much attention to her. The writing is crisp and clean, and I feel like I'm right there with Amelia.
ReplyDeleteI really like the detail of her untied sneakers. I feel it gives a good sense of who the mc is.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see and smell the scene with more sensual language. I feel I'm being given the bare facts and I'd like more. I have an idea that Amelia is resourceful but is she playful or fearful, sneaky, rebellious, smart or just having a cookie fit. I'd like to see the adults knowing she's there & letting her get away with it.
ReplyDeleteI like this, every sentence does something, which is good. I'm not a reader of this kind of story, but everything reads very well if I try to picture each sentences going with an illustration.
ReplyDelete#25
I am more grounded in the setting than the character. The thing that strikes me most is I'd like more voice. It's reading like a detached observer is relaying to us Amelia's attempt to steal a cookie. A little too play by play. For instance, I want to feel what she feels when she's stretching her hand, so close to getting that cookie, but still just out of reach. The more you can get in your character's POV, the more quickly the reader will be engaged in the dangerous endeavor (to Amelia) of pinching a cookie right before dinner. I'd really like your sentence to give us your character's emotional state and put some stakes out there for this cookie thievery. Is she nervous or does she do this all the time? Has she been thinking about it for an hour, waiting until just the right moment? I mean, even tossing in a sentence like "Amelia knew the moment was right," before you begin the action tells us something about your character's state of mind that is currently missing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Thanks for sharing your work!
I'd watch the repetition - grandma twice in three words - cookie jar in two consecutive sentences. I also had difficult visualising how she was standing on the pot drawer when it was open - was she balancing on the edge of the drawer, or standing on the pots and pans (which would make a racket)? Did she glance around to make sure no one was watching? How did she feel when she couldn't quite reach? Currently it is a little too detached to engage me and a bit more detail would help.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very popular scene: sneaking into a cookie jar. I expect you to take it to a whole new level. "Mom didn’t see her either while she kneaded dough." is an awkward sentence.
ReplyDeleteThis looks like a great start with a few revisions, but sounds much older than a chapter book to me. More like regular middle grade. My own daughter has just started reading chapter books and while I know there are various levels and I've only seen the one's she's brought home the voice here seems too old. If you go read Junie B. Jones or any of the Nancy Clancy books it might help. Good luck with your project. :)
ReplyDelete