TITLE: The Portal
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Quinn tested the bookend’s weight in her hand. Nice and heavy, just what she was looking for.
Perfect.
With a practiced grace, she launched it across the room where it smashed into her mirrored reflection. Unfortunately, the shards of glass splintered from the point of impact but the mirror stayed intact otherwise.
It definitely feels YA. I get a good sense of the mc right away, and I'm curious about her motivation for destruction. I also feel like it's pretty grounded as fantasy, but maybe that's only because the name Quinn feels like a fantasy name.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a sense of place here; perhaps you could mention the room Quinn is in? Remember to take your time,world-building is huge in fantasy."just what she was looking for" and "perfect" means the same thing.I would revise i.e."Nice and heavy-perfect, she thought." Last could be tightened up. You have an interesting concept.
ReplyDeleteWrite On!
All the best!
Write on!
This reads well, but 'Unfortunately' is redundant, and doesn't need to be there when the rest of the sentence says the same thing. I like it, though I don't see the implications yet for why it is Fantasy, or why she is having a temper tantrum (although since it's YA and I can remember what I was like as a teenager a million years ago, reasons probably aren't necessary).
ReplyDelete#25
I would keep reading! I have a good sense of the setting and the MC's desire--which makes me think fantasy--though nothing convinces me of her specific age or what century we're in. There's only so much you can do in five sentences. You might squeeze in more clues if you eliminate repetition. For example, "just what she was looking for" AND "Perfect." IMO, "mirrored reflection" is also redundant. And I'm not sure we get shards unless the splintered pieces fall out. Nitpicking aside, I'm very curious about where this story is going, and I wish you well with it!
ReplyDeleteI have a good sense of the character's attitude and the setting. It feels YA, and I want to know more about the MC. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteMY DOG JEEVES #19
I agree cutting the redundant words will increase the opening's punch (which is already strong). I love the phrase 'a practiced grace' as it hints at a level of athleticism (to be revealed later, I assume) -- or that the MC has a tendency to hurl things -- both interesting possibilities. The YA voice is clear.
ReplyDeleteFive lines doesn't give a lot of time, but if there's a way to let us know if she's at home/in her room or? when she breaks the mirror, that would help ground the reader (I expect that info comes into the story soon making this a non-issue).
I like this and it definitely feels YA, but I think you might have more impact if you started with the smashing of the mirror. That's what really grabbed my attention and made me want to know more. The stuff prior to that was a bit repetitive and felt a bit like excessive noise by comparison.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have my attention, and I want to know why in the world is she smashing that mirror. Your last sentence was a little wordy.
ReplyDeleteI like your first sentence, but the second reads like a cliche. What's nice about it? How heavy is it? I'm puzzled by the phrase "Practiced grace", though I think you mean she is graceful and has good aim. But "grace" strikes me as a word that doesn't imply action, and this is clearly an action scene. I am very interested to find out why she is throwing the bookend but it doesn't really imply fantasy. Best of luck with revisions!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of starting with the smashing of the mirror.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening, but I agree with the other comments. A quick description of the room would help ground your MC.
ReplyDelete