TITLE: LUCKY THIRTEEN
GENRE: Adult - Thriller/Mystery
Luck – if you counted a co-worker’s battle with the flu as luck – kept Danny Jones alive that night.
A few blocks away from what was once the Hawk and Dove, Danny served starters, mains, and espressos to an older, and more powerful, political set. These were the elite. The men – and occasional woman – who controlled the country and who didn't flinch at dropping several hundred bucks on dinner for two. Danny didn't care for them, but they paid the bills.
I love the opening sentence! The Hawk and Dove reference gives a sense of place, but I don't follow the logic of bringing it up in the second sentence. I *think* Danny's subbing for a sick co-worker, and that's why he survived. If you confirmed as a transition, I would follow better. Also, I think you need "women," plural instead of singular, to go with "occasional." Thanks for the story snippet, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence. The second confused me. Why mention the Hawk and Dove if that's not where the action is? The first sentence seems to be headed in one direction - and that's where I want to go -but the others pull it away. I am interested, though. I wish you could have included a bit more!
ReplyDeleteInteresting opening. My only critique is that the break in the first sentence felt a bit clunky to me. It was pretty long, and distracted me from the flow of the rest of the sentence. Maybe split it up into two separate sentences, or find some way to shorten the break? That's just my personal opinion, so feel free to ignore it if it isn't helpful! Other than that, I really enjoyed this snippet. It introduced me to a character I think I would like quite a bit, and an intriguing situation.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, everyone! The Hawk & Dove is actually mentioned in the prologue (yes, I have a prologue), so by the time it's mentioned in the first chapter, the reader will have context. I take your point about the first sentence seeming clunky. Always difficult to know what do do.
ReplyDeleteAnd huge *thank-yous* to Authoress for taking the time to run this crit session. It's helpful beyond words!
I'll try to get to as many of the other first fives as I can tomorrow.
Cheers,
Christina
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ReplyDeleteLike! This sets the scene for me very well and makes me want to read on. However, I'm going to respectfully disagree about changing the "occasional woman" to "women", because sadly, the people in power are almost always men, as powerful men want it that way and do all they can to keep their old boys club. Yeah it sucks, but that's reality. Keeping it "woman" fits in better with our misogynistic world, unless you're on the planet of Amazon Women (go, Wonder Woman!) Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the first sentence, it reads like a mini info dump for a first page. You're going to show me (hopefully) what you've already told me up front. This is a first line that would be great in a query to draw the agent on.
ReplyDeleteThere is also a bit of repetition. You could do away with an older, and more powerful, political set. These were the elite. because you then go on to describe the same thing again.
The last sentence - Danny didn't care for them, but they paid the bills - is quite distant and is telling.
DJ --Glad you liked the first line! I'm inclined to agree with you re the singular "woman". I know it's a bit of hyperbole, but I intended it. Yes, it's the way things are (still), and believe me, it'll make sense after another ten sentences.
ReplyDeleteKayC -- appreciate your thoughts re the info dump and repetition. I too think that second paragraph could be stronger. It does set up a contrast with the prologue, however. And it's also a bit of a red herring. This ain't no political thriller. ;-)
Thank you both,
Christina
I'll chime in and say that I agree that using "woman" rather than "women" works best, especially if this is a kind of noir world. I personally like the quippy first sentence and don't see it as an info dump. It seems to me that lots of books (and, ahem, my own opening) start out with a kind of distant overview, and then zoom in on the scene.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I'd love the second paragraph to be less of a summary, and to show the political elite Danny sees and the bar/restaurant itself. Is it a bustling Washington eatery with young, energetic guys in power suits (which is how I'm reading it)? Or does it have a cozy, wood paneled dark 'backroom' kind of vibe where the real deals go down?
You mention that the opening contrasts with the prologue, but just a word of caution that some agents skip prologues. Not sure why people hate on them so much, but there you go! Anyway, all that said, I'm totally curious about Danny and want to know what happens here!
The first and second paragraph seem to be completely unrelated. You need a smooth curve into your next thought. This is choppy although I do want to know how it saved him.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I'm a little bit confused about that first line, and like Madeline said, I think it would be beneficial if you made the transition smoother. However, I think you do a good job of grounding the reader in the setting, and I love the voice that comes across in these first sentences.
ReplyDeleteI liked this opening and felt pulled into the story immediately. My only suggestion is to reconsider the punctuation in the first line. I suppose they can work here (though you'll want to remove the spaces around the dashes for fiction writing), but you could also re-order the line with the same sticking power;
ReplyDelete"Luck kept Danny Jones alive that night. That is, if you counted a co-worker’s battle with the flu as luck."