Wednesday, January 14, 2015

January Secret Agent #28

TITLE: Found
GENRE: New Adult/Science Fiction

I stared down at the palms of my hands, saw them spread out in front of me, as gravel dug deep into my knees.  The dark, heavy night wrapped around me like a thick blanket; as a cool breeze whipped at my hair.  My body trembled as waves of power pricked at my skin, screaming to get out.  The energy coursing through me was magnificent, full of life and liberating.  It was also frightening and draining.  My mind spun out of control as I fought to make sense of what was happening to me.  I was changing.

Wasn’t this what I had wanted?  What my juvenile wishes had been filled with?  Desperation found its way to me again; causing my heart to ache.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight.  They burned.  I desperately wanted the cleansing moisture the human body naturally offered as a release.  But no tears came.  Could I cry now?  Was that something I could do?  Crying was such a human emotion.  Was I still human enough to experience the action?  The questions raced through my mind and ransacked my thoughts at a surprising speed, taking note of every one of my fantasies, involving a moment like this one.

How many times had I wished for this; to be different and extraordinary in some way? Hundreds?  Thousands, maybe?  How many movies had I watched?  How many books had I read?  How many fictional characters had I dreamed of being?  Suddenly I felt naïve and ignorant.


  1. My favorite line of this was ‘I was changing.’ That being said I don’t think you need so many questions on the first page, there’s almost too many. I think your audience is already asking themselves a lot of these questions. Taking them out would give you the opportunity to give us so much more in the first page. Like the environment, I only know its night, but where? Since this is sci-fi. And I really liked what your MC was going through in the second paragraph, I would like to know more, it bored on the edge of vague. The last line of that paragraph gave me a hint, maybe, but it’s unclear. And I love NA.
    Good luck!

  2. I wonder if you started with "My mind spun out of control as I fought to make sense of what was happening to me. I was changing." and then explained the change, it might grab readers better. Or start with the fact that the character is changing and then explain.

    Also, I agree with Anonymous Girl, there are quite a few rhetorical questions on this page. My favorite though was "How many fictional characters had I dreamed of being?" and the answer that follows, it made the character relatable.

  3. I agree with REJourneys! Start with "My mind spun out of control..." because that is such a great hook. As the excerpt reads right now, I got lost in all of the descriptions but grounding those descriptions with an opening line like "My mind spun out of control...I was changing" really grabs the reader and takes them along for the ride. Then in the next paragraph you could add your description of what your MC is going through.

    There are quite a few rhetorical questions in this passage, but I think most of them are important for capturing your MC's voice. I do really like "How many fictional characters had I dreamed of being?"

    Nice excerpt! Good luck!

  4. This is a very interesting beginning. I liked the line "I was changing." I think partly because it is quite tangible compared to the other thougths and questions.

    This scene begins in such a momentous moment. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to begin earlier, so that we could get to know the MC before this amazing thing happens. Then we'd understand maybe why it is so important, and maybe we could feel along with the MC.

    If you don't want to start earlier, I'd take a look at the number of questions you use and see if any could be reduced, and instead, add some specifics about the change.

    Good luck!

  5. Yes. lose the questions and start with the actual change, let us see what the MC sees as they change into...whatever is is. Good luck!

  6. The overuse of rhetorical questions in this opening is a bit much, and doesn’t make this as strong an opening as it could be. There’s also a lot going on to keep track of, sort of like a stream of consciousness that’s bit much. I’m not quite sure what type of change is going on, which adds an element of mystery. As a note, NA Sci-fi is a tougher sell (although not impossible), since NA hasn’t really burst out in sci-fi yet, but that doesn’t mean it won’t at some point.