TITLE: The Chicken That Saved The World
GENRE: MG Mystery
I knew what my birthday present was the minute I saw it.
My mom handed it to me, all wrapped in bright lime and turquoise paper with a big turquoise bow. I shook it gently, sniffed it, pretended I had no clue. But it had to be, it just had to be!
I ripped it open in record time.
You can't stop there I have to know what is the present. Good job drawing me in.
ReplyDeleteI agree! Definitely want to know what the present is.
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting a clear sense of your MC's age or gender, however -- and I wonder if something about the setting would be a helpful addition. Right now, all I'm seeking is the present and its wrapper and the fact that the MC wants something rather desperately. Yes, I wanna know what that something is, but I'd like just a tad more voice and setting.
Christina
LUCKY THIRTEEN entry #15
Maybe you could describe the present a little more to give us a hint right away about what it could be. How big is it? Is it shaped oddly? Square? Flat? I know you describe the wrapping paper but that doesn't give any clues about what is inside. Otherwise, I got a good MG voice out of this sample.
ReplyDeletePS. I could be wrong since it's a chicken, not a human, but should the title be The Chicken Who Saved the World, rather than The Chicken That Saved the World? Just checking.
Nice! This pulled me in. Some hints about the MC's age and gender would have been nice, but I assume those come after. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThanks, all! The age, gender, what she hoped for her birthday and what she actually got, etc. all come out in the first 250.
ReplyDeleteAnd Anonymous, I agree about the title. I go back and forth between Who and That and can't decide. It's probably more That than Who, because it has to do with a chicken, as in feathers, but it could also be construed as the MC being chicken when faced with her ordeal. I was hoping one of you would know, 'cause I don't!
Love the title! Great MG voice-she feels like a precocious girl. Put her somewhere, i.e sitting at the kitchen table, this will give us a better sense of place. Love the suspense of the gift; I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWrite On!
Oh! I'm so drawn in! I'd like to know where they are--otherwise, no sense of place. But I have to find out what the gift is! I think it's not what she is sure it is. Even though she sniffed it. Funny.
ReplyDeleteSmall suggestion, perhaps tweak the opening line -- for a bit more clarity -- to: 'I knew what my birthday present was the moment I saw (it) the box.' The descriptive details are wonderful -- as is the MC's voice. I, too, want to know what the MC got!
ReplyDeleteI want to know what the present is, just like everyone else. It would be interesting if she didn't get what she thought it was, but maybe something even better (time-travelling machine, or something). Was the present the "Chicken that Saved the World" as your title suggests?
ReplyDelete