TITLE: The Amazing Adventures of Heroic Man's Brother
GENRE: Adult Superhero Fantasy
I popped open a can of Fizz Beer and took a good, long swig. The stuff was cheap as hell, and non-creatively-named to boot, but there wasn’t much more a twenty-four-year-old guy like me could afford with a crummy mailroom job. And I had to celebrate my impeccable achievement somehow.
Raw energy—along with the insufficient buzz and flavorless taste of the beer—bolted through me as I stared at the electricity grid model on my bedroom desk. After four years of nonstop, grueling, though at times invigorating work, my masterpiece was finally complete.
I like many of the details in this, particularly the Fizz Beer and the hero's crummy mailroom job. My concern is that it feels like these lines are trying to do too much -- there's just so much information packed in. I'd suggest paring away at some of the writing as well. For example, while I love the detail about Fizz Beer, describing it as "non-creatively-named" is a mouthful. Maybe try "the stuff was cheap as hell, and bluntly named to boot" or something that keeps the narrative flowing. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou nailed your character in the first three sentences! I can actually *hear* him. Great voice, draws me right in.
ReplyDeleteFourth sentence sets me up to want to know why he's building a model of the grid, and fifth lets me know that this is incredibly important to him (following up on his wanting to celebrate the achievement). I'd suggest you em-dash "though at times invigorating" in that final sentence, for clarity's/readability's sake.
You've definitely intrigued me in the first five. Good job!
Christina
LUCKY THIRTEEN, Entry #15
Love the MC's voice! There is, perhaps, a bit too much information packed into these 5 sentences, but they had a lot to accomplish in a short space. Maybe spread it out more in the actual book so the reader doesn't feel overwhelmed? I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteSome of your sentences are a bit overdone (I agree, you need em-dashes in the last sentence), but you nailed the voice! That's the hard part. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI think sentence four (especially the first half, since it adds little) is the weakest line. And I'm curious about 'bedroom desk'. I don't know any adults with desks in their bedrooms unless they're still living at home in the room they grew up in--is that what you're implying?.
ReplyDeleteLove this! It might be a little complex, maybe spreading it out with another sentence or two to ease up might help, but this is right up my alley.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the em-dash; that would help a lot.
Lots of adults do have desks in their bedrooms, but the bedroom desk might imply that he's living in his mom's basement, sharing a house, apartment, etc. We can assume he's not a trust-fund baby. And if he was, I wouldn't care to read about him. But cheap-beer-swizzling-mailroom-boy-inventor? I'm there!
You ground me with the character right off the bat. Which is why this is one of my favorite entries. Within a few short sentences, I feel like I know this guy and, as a 24 year old girl, I know a lot of 24 year old guys. I will read any story that makes me care for the MC right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the two sentences of the second paragraph are a bit over-packed, Though I caution against throwing some em-dashes in sentence 5 and calling it a wrap, because sentence 4 also has them. Em-dashes can get over done really fast.
My suggestion, rescramble:
I stared at the electricity grid model on my bedroom desk as the beer's insufficient buzz and flavorless taste surged through me. After four years of grueling, though at times invigorating, work my masterpiece was complete.
I would love to read on :)
You definitely showed me a lot going on, the MC, his habits, his job, his accomplished goal, etc.
ReplyDelete